the poet

bahebak

soon christmas rolled in and by that time we had been "dating" for a month. however, things were still awfully awkward in a childish yet charming way. i spent the majority of the time giggling at the completely serious things you'd say, leaving you confused and while the most action we got was the time we took a walk in the park holding hands. you still managed to rally my heart around it's chamber. 

like the time we were out shopping for christmas decorations. it was the 20th was it? i convinced you to drive me 45 minutes to the fanciest art supply store in downtown where we spent centuries looking for parking but it was worth it. 

you swanned across aisles with me in tow, grabbing onto anything maroon and gold. that was our theme -- if i remember correctly, christmas colours but darker. maroon, moss green and gold. 

besides all the hussle bussle i couldn't get davit out of my head -- i still can't get him out of my head. he's like an enigma, like a lost hazy memory. even a week after his death i couldn't imagine his face, almost as if he was never really there. 

it took a toll on both of us, me more than you probably. we had formed a cocoon around ourselves which wasn't very healthy. it was as if the past month the only person i had spoken to was you. 

i'd see your face at school, after school, before school -- i mean i didn't hate it, trust me i didn't hate it but it seemed a little crazy to me. i was worried you'd get tired of me. 

that day when we were decorating your apartment and for the first time in 3 weeks we had company around us, i could feel a shift in you. your roommates were really giddy about the christmas decoration and were very obviously enjoying themselves. for me it had been a while since i'd experience personalities other than our's so i was a little unsure of how to communicate with them. 

however, soon we all warmed up to each other other and spent the majority of the evening laughing and cheering on, besides you. 

you were focused on the tree, eyebrows knitted together, mouth pressed into a line. i wanted to ask what was wrong but i also didn't want unnecessary attention on the both of us. the most i could think of was giving you a pat on the back every 20 minutes to let you know i was there for you but that was probably counterproductive.  

after the living room was draped in red green and gold, your roommates decided to go out for dinner and they didn't leave us any room for declining. shoving your jacket in your hand while leading me to the door with a hand on my back we were off for the rest of the night. 

it was good fun. we spent most of our time with mindless banter, your roommate jessie would go on about his brilliant trips while the other two, ammon and beau would crack jokes about said trips. they were friendly and welcoming ... just like naznina's friends had been. 

for a second there i started to doubt everything. what if this would end like it did with naznina -- of course the probability of that happening was low but i couldn't help myself. 

by the end of the night, when those three bid farewell and went on to party till dawn we walked home alone, hands clasped together, in complete silence. 

it was a calming silence, i suppose neither of us had any energy left to make small talk again. 

the city sparkled in its glory around us, street bustling with glamour and excitement. i grabbed onto your arm and wrapped it around my shoulders, burying myself in your chest as hot tingles spread around every corner that touched you. 

you looked down and gave me a tiny smile, a curt smile but it was enough to warm up my face.

yet, soon when we reached the underground subway station i had to let go of you. 

"i should get going" i started, "my train's on the other platform" 

you weren't one to show emotions very often but i could see the confusion in your eyes. this past month i would nap on your couch till dawn before heading out to school, it was our routine. 

your eyebrows knit together once more, mouth pressed into the same line from earlier that day and you stared at me with calculating eyes. i really wanted to go with you, to get on that train with you and cuddle up on the couch all night but i didn't want you to get tired of me. 

maybe i was being foolish but to me it felt right at the time. 

the train swooshed in through the tunnel causing our hair to fly about. i gave you a small peck on your lips and pushed my forehead against yours, staring right into your eyes that were still trying to figure out what was going on. not another word was said before i went on up to the street to get to the other platform.

i felt wave of loneliness wash over me as i stood waiting for my train. it was late so my only company were the creepy old men who ogled at the women around them, sometimes even trying to talking to them and the blackout drunk college students on their way back to their dorms. 

everything was so loud and cheerful. the loud crackles and silly banter from the street above echoed down in the station, even the train let out a happy whistle as it entered the tunnel but there i stood, with a grey cloud above my head. 

we had been apart for maybe 25 minutes or so but i was already missing you -- it was really  ridiculous. 

i never thought i'd be this clingy and we'd only been together a few weeks so i could only imagine how embarrassing i was being. to be fair i was only embarrassing myself in front of ... myself. this inner turmoil was getting the best of me and as i got on the train, hugging my coat against me, i decided that i was only creating problems for myself.

no one was judging me more than i was judging myself. 

this was normal. beyond normal -- wait no not beyond normal. just normal. 

i was just a young girl missing her hot boyfriend. 

it was normal. 

. 

a/n: hello hello :33 

hope you liked this chapter sorry for any mistakes, im too lazy to proof read lol 

thank you so so so much for the reads and votes this is so cool and the comments! i love your comments so much they make my day they really do :D 

anywho, take care of yourselves! love u 

-shir