the poet

i was embarrassed

i couldn't stop thinking about you.

by then you were already an enigma in my head. someone so mysterious and beautiful it was upsetting. 

there would be random moments throughout the day when i'd think back to our first encounter and giggle like an idiot. perhaps it was the expressions you made when you saw me sway like a lunatic.

meeting once was by chance, meeting twice was by coincidence and now i was determined to make our third meeting by choice. 

a day after that evening i -- very awkwardly -- enquired from naznina whether or not she knew anything about your band. earlier she had mentioned you had mutuals friends so i was hopeful she'd know something. 

she squinched her eyes at her for mere second and glanced back at her laptop, for some reason it almost seemed as if she was expecting this. she was judging me. 

an odd sensation ran up the sides of my neck; i was embarrassed. 

she said she would ask her friend and let me know. 

i wasn't counting on it. 

since that night i could feel a strain in our relationship. naznina was distant -- not the usual kind. it was like she was standing on top of her walls and staring down at me. 

it was only fueling my inferiority complex. 

i wanted to feel warm. it was the only reason i was grasping onto the idea of you. it was a selfish reason and i hadnt been thinking about it for long. the idea was still new. 

it was the last week of april when i decided to go back to the bar and test my luck. i kept telling myself that it was just a silly notion and that i wasn't expecting a third encounter anymore. 

i was so obviously lying to myself. 

it was amazing how enamoured i was by you. maybe it was the way we met -- so odd and charming yet clumsy and almost ... ridiculous. 

i sat on a bar stool in a vacant corner and watched. my hands felt tingly, my chest heaved, i could feel my organs sink into my feet.

i didnt think this through -- i had absolutely no plan obviously because i wasn't expecting to see you, right? 

but i did. 

we both saw each other and you squinted your eyes at me from the stage, mid song. 

i was so surprised by your expression. i remember choking on my own spit and quickly shuffling off my seat and moving to another stool farther back. that only made me look more stupid than i already did. 

you didn't look again.

by 11 i had given up and was slightly embarrassed by the situation, so i decided to head to the library. 

i felt so stupid back then. my ego was crushed, if naznina hadn't revived it i would've lost it.

sunday -- the same week, two days later naznina cornered me in the kitchen. "are you free tonight?" she asked. i raised an eyebrow at her. tomorrow was monday and school was sucking the soul out of me.

besides, she had ignored me for almost two weeks, why would i be nice to her--

"yea why?" 

"one of my friend's is having a party" her gaze met the flab on my upper arms "... it's more of small gathering to be fair, thought you'd like to join"

there was no reason for me to comply. at that point i had given up trying to befriend her or have any significant sort of relationshi-- 

"sure, it'll take me like an hour to get ready though" 

and there we were, almost two hours later standing outside your apartment -- but i didnt know this was your apartment at that moment. i was simply there to ... well, i was there to make friends?

"naz!" davit cheered as we soon as we entered. davit was a big armenian fella, he was 90% muscle and the rest of the 10% just hair but he was so so kind. 

thinking back to it now, i can only wonder how things would've turned out if i had chosen him over you. would he had given me more happiness? more warmth? 

all the years i knew you, you were always a stranger. 

nothing we did together, no amount of time we spent together changed that. 

yet somehow you still managed to make me feel like the most special girl walking this earth. 

i saw you that evening. we held eye contact twice that night and for some reason i wasn't surprised to bump into you again. a part of me knew i'd see you there.

when everyone sat down in the lounge chatting away you sat silently -- observing. charlie, another one of naznina's friends kept bringing the conversation back to me, asking things about me, hobbies, favourite albums etc etc. 

then you spoke. 

you added your input and told everyone you remembered me as the girl from friday night. the one sitting on the barstool. 

as soon as you mentioned that, naznina's sharp gaze pierced into me. i could feel her claws rip out of her paws, hot blood rushing into her skull. 

had i embarrassed her? what could possibly be so irritating?

i was a little embarrassed myself but covered it up by saying i was there to meet a friend. 

i had no friends; naznina knew that.

we didn't talk privately that night -- i couldn't bring myself to approach you by myself. 

davit kept me company in a corner for the rest of that evening -- chatting about his family, his city to which i kept rambling on about my home and my people. 

by the time my head hit my pillow my thoughts were a mess. i couldn't understand naznina, i had so much work left to complete and davit ... oh sweet, sweet davit. 

he made me feel like a person but you made me feel like a field on fire. 

how had i become this woman? 

was this adulthood? 

how horrid. 

.

a/n: hi hiiii

this was a confusing chapter .. im not sure where to go w the story cause it went off track after chapter one so . 😐

my mind; weird place 

disturbing how im always thinking about a specific guy when im writing these, almost as if these are my letters to him -- kinda creepy tbh. 

women write stories about the guys they like and what do men do ... crickets

um chile anyways 

im sorry in advance about any spelling or grammar mistakes

please vote n comment :3 

-shir