the poet

i find it kinda sad

it was late into the summer when leila and mathias decided to visit the city to attend open houses with me. 

i had already told you i was moving into an apartment with some old friends and you seemed to be expecting it. however, i did leave out the part where one of the friends was the boy i had a crush on from prep school to a levels. 

i suppose we were both great at hiding things from each other. 

you noticed my decline in hygiene. my hair would often be greasy, and i would sometimes visit in my pyjamas. i'd started missing my morning classes from not being able to get out of bed till noon while i would spend my nights rotting in bed, listening to music and reading books. 

my professors had already started emailing me about my attendance and my declining gpa. 

however, the day leila and mathias were visiting i'd made an effort to shower and wear something nice. the dress i'd take out from the closet to wear didn't look as good on me anymore. my arm flab was annoying me, i'd wish i could've just snipped it off but i accepted what was what and decided to wear an oversized tee and my best pair of jeans with slip-on loafers.

it was the most i could bring myself to do. 

leila jumped into my arms as we met, mathias stood behind her smiling at me as leila rambled out a long greeting and a line of 'i missed you's. 

she held onto my hand and swung it back and forth on our walk to the apartment. leila was like a drop of sunshine, and i felt like the clouds. 

somewhere along that day she ran her thumb under my eye and asked about the dark shadows that cast themselves underneath my eyes. i don't remember what i said, probably a fumble of excuses. 

that day we decided on our apartment on kipson street. the same loft we would live in for the following year and make most of our lovely memories at. 

on our way back from kipson, we rejoiced at finding a good place and decided to get a waffle to celebrate. leila kept my hand in her's and somewhere along the walk i felt mathias' coarse hand lightly clasp itself around my fingers. i looked up at him from the corner of my eyes and he looked back at me with a light smile. 

i reminded myself it was because we were old friends. it wasn't the first time we'd held hands, it meant nothing. even though that 'nothing' was increasing my blood pressure by the minute and i could feel my fingers in his hand string and tingle. 

by september, i started moving my things from my old apartment to kipson. you did your best to help me and thankfully naznina wasn't home during the mornings. 

you and i were speaking less and less by the day, a part of me felt guilty for not putting in an effort but i couldn't see an effort on your behalf so i assumed we would figure it out once i'd settled down. 

"where do you want me to pack this?" you asked, holding up an old china doll in your hand.

"just throw it in the fragile box," i replied, folding the last of my clothes. 

"probably shouldn't throw it if it's fragile" you chuckled and i let out a humourous snort. 

i heard you shuffle to pack up the doll as i sat with my back toward you, "so what are these 'old friends' like?" you asked, emphasising 'old friends'. 

"we grew up together," i stacked a pile into my suitcase, "they lived a few houses from us and we attended the same school." 

"and this mathias guy, do you trust him?" 

i paused and thought about it for a second. i trusted him enough to live with him but a tiny part of me knew it was going to be awkward. 

"i trust him enough to live with me," i said simply. you were crouched down and immediately stopped moving the china around. i could feel you think from across the room and maybe i was enjoying the idea of you worrying about me but i knew i couldn't play sick games with your head. 

"his sister's living with us," i began, "and i spend most of my time at your places anyways." 

i assumed i'd convinced you but it would soon seem to be otherwise. 

when unpacking, i could feel leila's uneasy gaze on you. at one point she leaned against the doorframe of my new room and stared at you -- analysing your every move. 

"let's have dinner together," she pushed her glasses up, her voice sounding distant -- as if she was calculating her next move. 

you could feel her stare, it was evident in the way you moved and how uncomfortable you were carrying yourself, which wasn't normal. 

dinner that night was mostly filled with silence and the echoing pitter-patter of rain outside. 

you sat opposite me, next to leila while mathias sat to my right. our dining table freshly assembled. 

"leila this food is delicious," you said, before eating a mouthful of the roasted eggplant and yoghurt dish she had prepared. 

"thanks," leila replied, as she glanced at my plate, noticing the lack of food on it, "why aren't you eating? hope you're not dieting."

i looked down at the rice and lentils on my plate, seeing nothing wrong with it. "I'm not dieting -- just not as hungry" 

back then leila let it slide, but throughout the following year, she'd pester me till i'd eat every meal. i'd often feel bad for wasting her time as she cooked meals for me just so i wouldn't develop an eating disorder but i suppose i owe her my life for it now. 

to this day, she still shows up to my house with her babies in their pram and a box of pulao made just for me. 

after our meal, you left rather abruptly. 

i walked you down to the street that night and as we waited for your cab, i held my arms over your shoulders. 

"do you like my new place?" i inquired, placing a soft kiss on your chin. you were silent, eyes boring into mine. you seemed to have a lot to say but chose to keep quiet. a part of me was glad you did because i would've listened to every word you'd order to me. 

as your cab pulled in, you grabbed my hand and drew it to your lips. i grinned at you with shy eyes as we pulled away. 

once your cab was on its way down the street, turning on my heel i decided to head inside. i was stopped in my tracks as i gazed up at my apartment. mathias stood in the giant glass window, staring down right at me. one foot on the sill while the other steadied him on the ground. 

his mouth was pressed into a line, dark abyss like eyes gazing straight into mine. 

. 

HELLO???? 2K VIEWS???? 

crying. tears and all. i love you all for all your votes and ESPECIALLY your lovely comments they literally keep my heart beating <33 

i have an instagram btw: lulu.khorkhore lets be mutuals! 

a thousand kisses to you! 

-shir