the poet

such a gentleman

"have you ever?.." 

"have i ever what?" 

it was march and we found ourselves driving up north to a cabin we'd rented for the following 3 days. it was right next to a bike trail and a camping site -- family friendly and whatnot. 

"have you ever .." you took your time taking a turn off the highway, the suspense was piercing the back of my head at that point, "started a bonfire?" 

of course, i hadn't, "yeah a few times." 

"great," you said with a smile, "i'll unload the groceries while you get started on that" 

how hard could arson be? 

long story short, i couldn't get the fire started and blamed it on the wind yet you went along with it. 

you could always see right through me and my idol lies but you went along with them. i however, could not understand a single emotion that loomed behind your devouring eyes. even till the end i assumed i had you figured out but i was far from cracking whatever secrets you had. 

we spent the evening blasting music, chatting about senseless topics and soon found ourselves laying in bed with the windows open and the comforter thrown on the floor. 

"how is it so hot in march?" you mumbled in disdain. 

"global warming" i groaned, turning to my side. the weather wasn't this bad during the day so it really didn't make sense for it to be this bad during the night. 

"we should recycle more" you added, throwing your arm over my side, "have you seen those biodegradable sponges made out of coral?" 

"coral?" i asked, "mass harvest of coral doesn't sound very sustainable" 

"maybe it's a mushroom" i felt you shrug. 

i dozed off to sleep for a few hours and i suppose you did too, by the time the sun peaked out from behind the mountains, both of us stirred awake. your hair was flying across the pillow, eyes barely open and a tiny smile gracing your delicate lips. 

"if my breath didn't stink i'd give you a kiss" i grumbled half asleep with my hand scratching the side of your head. 

"i know" you replied just as my eyes shut back to sleep. 

the weekend went by peacefully, the mornings we would spend sitting on the porch, during the afternoons we'd swim by the lake and at night we would lay in that inferno like room and talk till one of us fell asleep. thus, before we knew it we were driving back to the city. 

"i missed the city a little," i said. i had my right foot tucked under me as my right hand kept the knee steady. rows of lush green sped past us as you drove down the dark grey gravel. 

"i thought the city hated you?" you said, focused on the road as you calculated the width of the car compared to the road. 

"it does but i don't blame it." 

i unpacked my things at your flat, it wasn't much but my heart shook at the idea of having a spare corner in your closet. what a wonderous feeling it was. 

we had dinner with your roommates that night. they were as loud as ever and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. their joyeous exclaims echoed till the hallway as i made my way out.

i wasn't excited about going home but i was paying rent for that place and it would be a shame to have it go to waste and i feared i was annoying your roommates by always being there. 

"i'm home." i said out loud as i entered my flat. all the lights were on but i couldn't see naznina around and though that triggered my suspicion, i was going to give myself the benefit of the doubt. 

i sat on my couch for a bit even though the tv was off. technically it was naz's couch since we threw out mine for being "lumpy" and "too big", couches are supposed to be big and lumpy that's the whole point. 

it was around 15 minutes later that i decided to look for naz and annoy her. which was not my brightest idea. the most plausible place i could find her was her room but to my surprise she was nowhere to be seen. 

her laptop sat half shut on her bed with the window fully open. god knows where she was.

the appropriate thing to do in a situation like that would be to simply leave and wait for her to come back -- somewhere i wouldn't be overstepping boundaries however i decided against that as; before i could shut the door my eyes landed on a picture taped to her wardrobe door. to this day im surprised my eyes caught one picture in that sea of memories. 

after debating on it for a bit i forced myself to strode towards it and against my better judgement i closely analysed it. 

you probably remember that picture. naznina stood next to you and a group of other people. your hand pulling her to your side and her's around your waist, grabbing the belt loop on your pants. 

i could feel my face sting from embarrassment. 

i was roommates with your ex? 

perhaps i shouldn't had been nosey, it cost us a lot and maybe we'd be somewhere else in life if i'd just idoly sat there on our small nonlumpy couch. 

that moment, i couldn't feel the ground under my feet and after gulping a few knots down my throat i felt myself swan from the spot in front of her wardrobe, out her door and to my room. 

suddenly a wave of anxiousness crashed into my shoulders. my room was filled with second hand furniture. a creaky old bed, a boulder heavy study table accompanied by a pitiful stool. a dusty old mirror that leaned against my wall. 

maybe the feng shui of my room caused this? 

naznina's room was bright with sturdy furniture. she even had a cute plant by the window, meanwhile my sad little money plant was begging for her life. her name was madokht by the way, "daughter of the moon." 

i shuffled to turn on the light, unfortunately my dirty mirror was right next to the switch and as the dull light flickered on i caught a glance of my appearance. being the nervous young adult i was, i saw the worst. 

like most people, i looked for validation in other people and at that moment, everything seemed to be crumbling around me. 

in the grander scheme of things, this was just the start. this small adversity was nothing, i assumed naz was your ex, she could've just been a friend -- i was yet to uncover the title of the relationship you had with her. 

it was just shocking at the moment but, shocks cause ripples. 

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hello! sorry for being so horrible with updates :3 

ALSO 1k READS HELLO???? WTH IM SO HAPPY THIS IS SO COOL 

thank you so much for reading my work i know it's not luxurious but it really helps me go about life. 

everytime i feel down i write pieces of chapters and it really gets me through the day so thank you for being here :)

i'll edit it soon so that should up the quality hopefully lol 

love you!

-shir