the poet

confusion

i spent that weekend at home. half of my trip was spent sitting in the kitchen watching my mom cook.often times i'd tell her stories about the city and she'd tell me stories about home. the other half was spent tutoring my little brother. 

it was overall uneventful. 

my dad seemed different, he wasn't acting like his usual self. his sentences were short, he barely made any eye contact with any of us. i didn't think much of it till i was back at my dorm. 

you sent me 3 messages in total -- which were a lot for you.

hey

are you in town?

hello?

i didn't respond till the morning after i arrived back. 

went to visit mom and dad 

im back now 

naznina still hadn't spoken to me.

i went back to the routine i had in december. eat sleep study. it worked well for me.

on my walks back home i would often think about you. i still wasn't sure if i liked you, or if you liked me -- even as a person.

what was i to you? 

did you consider me a friend? 

and nazina, what was up with her? 

i felt insulted, my ego was hurt beyond repair but there was still something very humorous about this. i couldnt put a finger on it 

i eventually pushed you far away. so far away that till october i wouldn't see you again and when we would meet it would be at davit's party where you'd shoot me a confused glance. 

i didn't really like that party nor did i want to go in the first place but charlie insisted. 

the entire evening you would glance my way but never approached me which obviously set a tone. 

were you embarrassed by me? 

soon the party died down and people began to leave. being the good guest i was i helped davit clean up as much as i could before everyone left.

"hope you didn't get too bored today" davit said as he tied up the last garbage bag.

i had just finished putting the second batch of plates in the dishwasher. "no i wasn't too bored... -- well maybe a little" i replied causing a loud crackle to rumble through davit's belly. 

he was such a lovely soul you could just tell. his eyes were always bright and alert paired with his brilliant smile. there weren't enough people like davit in this world and when the world lost him i was sure it would take a while for me to meet someone like him again. 

"stay a little longer then" he smiled, "we'll make tea and watch the late night runs"

it was a brilliant offer. i liked tea, i liked davit's apartment and i loved the late night runs on the good ol telly but it just didnt seem right. last thing i wanted was to lead him on.

to be fair i wasn't sure if he was even being "led" but i didnt want to leave any room for doubt. 

to me late night tea meant spending time with a lovely friend yet to davit it could mean anything. yes davit was a good man but he was a man nonetheless and i wasn't planning on taking any chances. 

"i have an early class tomorrow davie.." placing my hand on the counter i lead towards it, eyes locked with davit. even with my eyes on him i could sense you move around the kitchen. 

why were you even there? your silly friends had left a long time ago. 

"aaaaish i get it i get it no worries" davit said a little embarrassed and placed his hand a few inches away from mine, following my actions. 

before i could make more excuses to make him feel better you butted in between the two of us and grabbed a paper towel from the stand causing us to jerk away a little. 

"eyy! timmy!" davit exclaimed and pat your back which left a loud smack to echo around us. i watched you winch a little.

the both of you eventually indulged yourselves in a discussion about god knows what and i took that as my cue to leave. i grabbed my things, waved at davit from the hallway outside of the kitchen and left. 

on my stroll back to my dorm you texted me. i didn't bother reading the whole thing.

yada yada yada why were you ignoring me blah blah blah 

enough of it! i was done.

i had bigger problems, problems i knew of and problems that were yet to dawn on me. 

back then i thought of you as just another silly boy. time come i'd realise you were much more than that. in fact! you would be everything to me, the one and only.

doesn't that make you feel special? 

.

hiiiii took me a while to write this cause i had exams ;-; 

also 90 reads vs 5 votes 😭 yall are ratioing me 

no worries! even if one person is reading i will write for youuu 

happy winter to everyone! (except australia) 

-shir