the poet

a loss and a gain

on the 14th day of november, my father lost his little brother. 

he had been sick for a while -- throat cancer or something along with a poor cardiac condition so this was inevitable. 

my trip home was a daze and before i knew it i stood under the archway to my late uncle's garden. women clad in black veils howled and wept for a dead man, his coffin lain in the centre of all the uproar. 

it felt so unnatural -- though death is the most natural thing to happen to anyone. i could feel death. it's presence still lingered even after it had taken my uncle. 

death wasn't done here.

when the sun fell, they took my uncle to the graveyard while me and my mother sat on the cold floor of my aunt's living room with my aunt and cousin. sereen -- my cousin -- stared blankly at the floor as i held her in my arms. 

it would take months, years even to get rid of the low ache in her chest. the feeling of dread that would crawl up from her stomach to her throat, gripping her tongue till she cried it out. 

i held her for hours, till the sun peaked up from the horizon.

not getting much sleep the night before, i slept on my train ride back to school. 

the city welcomed me with a glare, a mocking glare. much like the one my uncle would give me when he would grab my arms and scoff at me. he would mock me at family dinners, say things about the way i dressed, the way i did my makeup. he would comment on my weight, my height, the colour of my hair -- i couldn't stand him and yet, here i was standing in a public bathroom washing away the tears i had cried for him. 

maybe i wasn't crying for him. perhaps those tears were meant for sereen and her mother. 

gripping the dirty counter i decided that i couldn't attend any classes that day -- i thought i could but everything was crashing down on me all at once.

i was contemplating sitting on a train back home so i could go fall into my mother's arms but that wasn't an option. 

i managed to get myself together and set out. 

at the moment i didn't know where i was headed, everyone would've be busy with school and my dorm wasn't an option. 

and so, a bus ride later i found myself outside your old apartment. the one you had your silly little parties at. 

i half expected you to be at school, or practising with your band. maybe i just didn't want you to be at home so i wouldn't have to go through with this ridiculously stupid and embarrassing subconscious decision. 

you came all the way down to get me and as soon as your eyes settled on me, you knew something was wrong. i could see it on your face.

we sat on your couch in complete silence for the most part. i hadn't talked to you since davit's party so you were obviously confused by my sudden appearance and i'd just attended a funeral in addition to the fact i hadn't slept in 22 hours. 

"how's naznina" you finally spoke and i almost jolted out of my seat.

"fine i think" i began, "haven't talked to her in awhile" 

"isn't she your roommate" you enquired with your face twisted into a confused expression.

"barely." 

you let out a loud sigh -- much to my confusion, "so she's acting up again" 

"it's fine" i replied, "even though i'm not sure what started it--" 

"-- and you never will" you said, getting up from your seat. "she likes to keep things to herself even if they're bothering her" 

my eyes followed you to the kitchen. your hair tied up, clad in all black as usual -- even dressed up like death itself you looked so charming. 

"that's unfortunate." 

our conversation for the rest of the evening was just as boring. you made tea for me even though i never asked you to -- a weird thing you'd continue to do for years to come -- while i tried explaining astrology to you even though i didn't know much about it myself. 

by the time the sun set, we were sprawled over your lounge floor trying to guess the age of the persian rug we sat on. 

"i reckon this was woven by a man with a single eye" i said 

"why's that?" you chuckled 

"the lines are crooked" sure art is not about perfection but lines on a weaving loom tend to go straight. 

you let out another low chuckle as you leaned your head against the couch. 

in that moment you looked so perfect. so calm and friendly -- nothing like when you were around your friends. 

"i should get going" i announced and slowly got up from my place on the floor. this was too much. you were being nice now but come tomorrow you'd turn your back on me and the thought terrified me. 

you followed suit and chased after me to the door, lightly pulling your pants up in the process. "i have some leftovers if you want to take those with you" 

"oh no thank you" i grabbed my coat from the rack, trying my best not to look you in the eyes. even with my back towards i could feel your calculating gaze on me and it was making me nervous. 

the doorway was narrow therefore there wasn't much space for two people and so when you swiftly moved your arm around me towards the door handle i felt nauseous, engulfed by your presence. 

i eventually turned to you and we wished each other a goodnight but even as i left your apartment building i couldn't shake off the feeling of leaving comfort. like when you leave your house to go get something from the corner store or when you get out of your warm bed on a winter morning.

it didn't feel right. 

i made a decision that night -- a decision that twisted both of our lives together. you probably remember this, the elevator was taking too long and so i walked up 4 flights of stairs, you asked me why i was huffing and puffing so much but there we were. 

so young and full of hope. i don't have as much confidence now as i did all those years ago. 

it was a short kiss, your lips against mine. i had your arms gripped to keep you in place for some reason, you then released yourself and brought your arms around my shoulders and my back. 

we went back in, laid on the same persian rug and stared at your ceiling for a bit. all we did that night was talk -- i did the majority of the talking, you just sat and listened to me blab on about how much i liked you. 

it was sweet.  

close to dawn you walked me home. with your hand in mine the city cowered away, it's glare dimming down to nothing and when we walked along the river i didn't feel alone. i even twirled and skipped around a little to which you let out a soft chuckle. 

for once, i was sure i'd be alright.

.

heyyyy 

sorry it took so long i didnt rlly know where to go with this but i knew i had to hurry things up a bit or i'd bore you all also omg 200+ views ?!$%^&#*& thank you so much mwah mwah mwah mwah

vote n comment :3 love youse 

-shir