Off Ice.

Chapter Thirty-Four.

Avery

It's been a few days of being back in Seattle and let me just say, I'm so fucking excited to come back for good. There's really no way to describe how much better I feel here - how much safer and at home I feel.

Even just driving around in the car he drove in high school boosts my mood. Everything feels normal again. It feels like how life should feel.

Despite everything that's happened lately, I do love LA - don't get me wrong. I love the city and I love my school. I'm really, really happy that I went to UCLA for college; it was exactly what I needed. I needed to move somewhere different with my best friend, I needed to get my first apartment with a roommate and live on my own. Los Angeles shaped me more than I could ever think the last four years and I'm
going to cherish the memories I have from there - the memories of Cam and I or of the events and things I've done throughout college.

But now I'm ready to grow up. I know a lot of people don't when they leave college, because you're young and don't need too right away, but I am. I'm ready to move in with Finn and go to the next chapter.

It'll be bittersweet leaving LA. I'm going to be an absolute wreck when it comes to leaving Cam and I really just don't want to think about it right now. I know I'll see him more than I would if I moved anywhere else, since he comes home to visit his family a lot, but still. I see that bitch every fucking day and not hearing him insult me first thing in the morning is going to be very upsetting.

But this place is my home and - fuck. That apartment, dude. I cannot believe that's going to be our apartment.

I still feel guilty and like I'm mooching off of Finn because there's absolutely no way I would be able to afford it. We had this conversation before we went to our first apartment that day - I brought up how much my apartment is now and how I afford it. But he told me not to worry about that, which obviously lead to me telling him that he's not just buying me an apartment.

He elaborated a bit more than he did while we were in the actual apartment. He told me that this was something he really wanted to do and that he'd rather use his money on the apartment and not something material that doesn't even matter. He said that once we're married, *heavy breathing*, everything we have is going to be combined anyway. He said that this is our life now and this is what he can provide.

It's hard to stay pessimistic when you have that being told to you. I'm still going to help as much as I can - I'm going to pay for the utilities and give what I can for rent. I'm hoping that I'll get on my feet quick enough so that I don't feel as guilty like I do now.

Thinking about what I'm going to do when we move here is a little bit stressful, but I'm also excited about it. I think I'm going to apply to grad school here - get a masters in English and start my road to higher education. I've thought about it a lot after having conversations with Finn about what I want to do with my life. He's so supportive, no matter what it is he always makes it feel like I can conquer it. He doesn't try to talk me out of anything or act like I don't know enough about it - or that I haven't thought it through. Maybe that's rewarding a fish for swimming, but I know what it's like to not feel that. Not only has my mother question every single thing I've done since the moment I slipped out of her womb, but Theo always made me second guess myself. He doubted everything I ever did and made me explain throughly why I was doing it. I thought at the time that he was helping me, but looking back it just made me more self conscious. It made me feel dumb for some reason - like I wasn't a logical person and it made me a bit smaller minded. I never thought out long term goals or dreams because I was told that they weren't realistic.

And I know it's my own fault for listening to him. He didn't hold a gun to my head - I made my own decisions. But I guess that's just what happens when you're being so deeply manipulated every single day for over a year. I lost a part of myself in that relationship and I'm really fucking glad she's back.