Off Ice.

Chapter Forty.

Avery

The only feeling I can equate this too is what it felt like after Mason got me to that shed. I feel like something was lost - I feel like I'm hollow on the inside.

I don't feel any better, honestly. Usually when I cry like that, especially if Finn is there to comfort me, I at least feel a little bit lighter but I don't right now.

Maybe it's because I'm laying in their house, knowing that they're in a hospital room. Maybe it's because I know Mason is out there somewhere, probably trying to come up with another way to accomplish what he failed today. Maybe it's because no matter what anyone is telling me and how much they believe their words, I feel like I've caused all the awful things that have happened in their lives.

I understand why people leave now. I understand why the phrase if you love them, let them go is so often used. I can't help but think that if I were to just pack up my shit and leave without anything more than a note to tell them that I'm sorry and that I'm safe, everyone would end up being okay. Yeah, they'd probably be sad for a bit but they'd move on. I'm nothing special enough to be miserable without. They'd move on and be a lot safer if I weren't around anymore.

Running away seems like the only option at the moment. Changing my name, changing my career, changing everything about me. I'd be out of everyone's hair - I'd start a new life.

Of course I'd love to run away with Finn. I could live in a shack with no running water and be the happiest version of myself as long as I'm with him. But his life is too important. He has an impact on thousands of people across the US and Canada. He inspires young boys and girls every day with what he does for a living, how am I supposed to just want him to leave that? He's important. I'm not.

I'm just a liability.

I wipe the few tears that have fallen to my cheek as I look over to my boy, who's fast asleep as he lays on his side - his arm draped on my waist as I lay on my back. He was staying up until I fell asleep, so I did my best to fake it and somehow got away with it. I knew I succeeded when he pressed his lips to my temple lightly, so that he wouldn't wake me, and softly said, "I love you more than anything, ma fleur."

I know he does. I know that if I do just disappear, it'll destroy him. He'd come looking for me, he'd probably sacrifice a lot of his life for it and I have to be honest, that's one of the only reasons I'm not packing everything I can right now.

Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe I'm thinking to much into it. I'm sure some kind of expert would tell me that it's normal to think like this after a trauma, but that doesn't really help. Casey is lying in a fucking hospital bed because of me. He has thousands of people who love him and they're all going to be heartbroken over the news. He's going to miss a decent amount of the season, if not the rest of his final one with the Kings, all because of me.

Delilah starts to growl at the foot of our bed and it makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I look over at Finn but he hasn't budged and I don't want to wake him, so I start to run my foot along her side from under the blanket to try and calm her. She's probably just having a puppy dream.

It seems to work and a really small smile comes to my lips as I look down at her, seeing her little nose sniffing in her sleep. She's such a pretty and sweet dog. I really love her.

However, I flinch and a loud gasp comes from me as she shoots up from the bed with a loud series of barks - causing Finn to jump awake too.

"It's okay. I think she was just dreaming," I tell him, putting my hand out when he immediately goes into defensive mode. I sit up and put my hands on Dot, running my fingers over her soft fur, "Hey, pretty girl. You're okay. Shh, it's okay."