Off Ice.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

Trigger Warning:
Mention of violence and sexual assault.

Avery

I'm really lucky that I have the people that I have in my life.

I'm so lucky that I have a roommate and best friend as amazing as Cam. He's been so fucking helpful and caring about everything and I feel safe being here with him. He also gave me such a hard time when I was giving him rent today, but I had already set aside this months before I quit so there was no point in me not giving it to him. I really do need to find a job, though. I think I'm going to head to a library in a district near by to see if I can maybe apply as a librarian assistant or something. I know that'll pay more than a part time job at a bookstore.

I'm also really fucking lucky to have Grace and Casey. Grace is and will always be like a sister to me. It probably sounds weird, but she just knows how to comfort me in a way that no one else does. I guess it's kind of the tough love way while still be soft and reassuring, if that makes sense.

And Casey is just the fucking best. He's like an older brother to me, but in a different way than how Grace is like a sister. Casey is ultra protective, honestly probably more than Cam if I'm being honest.

Then there's Finn. I don't need to explain to you why I'm so fucking grateful for that boy. I feel like most people who just got back with their ex boyfriend would be more wary of them, but I'm not. Maybe that's a mistake, maybe I'm even more naive than I was when we were 18 but I don't care anymore. He makes me so fucking happy - he makes me feel safe and like I'm home.

Obviously to say that Tuesday was a rough day for both of us would be an understatement. Between Mason and his dad, never mind the argument with Theo, we were fucking exhausted that night. Both physically and mentally.

Seeing Mason again obviously really did me in, but it's more than just because he's stalking me. Something that I've been able to process the last four or so years is that he sexually assaulted me. I knew back then that I was kissed and touched without consent in that shed, but putting a label on it was so not something I was able to do - nor did I want too.  It made it even more real, if that makes sense. I wanted to repress it. I wanted to pretend it never happened but it did.

I just didn't want to think about it. I wanted to pretend that the only thing Mason did was take some pictures and follow me around - I didn't want to think about the feeling of his lips forcing themselves against mine or the feeling of his hands roaming around my body.

Even in the moment that it was happening, I couldn't really process what he was actually doing. But as time went on parts of it came back little by little - like how his hands found their way under my shirt and how he grasped every place he could. It genuinely haunts me to this day. Nothing that I've experienced has ever left me as scarred or traumatized as that.

I flinch when someone touches me suddenly now. I flinch when Cam hugs me from behind or when Casey reaches for my arm when we're together. It's not because I don't trust them obviously, but I don't know why I do it.

I get tense when people hug me that aren't my best friends. I lose my breath when someone looks at me for too long. Hell, even though Theo and my relationship started by us sleeping together - it took me a long time to be comfortable with him like that. If I wasn't as drunk as I was I wouldn't of slept with him that night, that's for damn sure.

It took me a while to come to terms that I was assaulted because the word just seems so harsh. I know it's a cliche, but you see stories of other people who have gone through that and you don't think about that happening to you. You don't put the two together - at least I didn't.