TWISTED 2| Sequel| MYG| 18+

21.

[Warning: Mentions of detailed self-harm. Please skip when you start to feel uncomfortable. Also, kindly know that I'm not promoting or romanticizing any of the sensitive topics touched in this story (rape and suicide attempt). This is exactly why I have tried my best to highlight the aftereffect of such practices (on the victim and people around the victim). But I did that while keeping the narrative character's (Suga's) personality in my mind.]

[Suga POV]

"I'm not done talking, Hana, get back in the fucking room," I roared as I banged my fists on the door. She just walked out abandoning the conversation in the middle just like she left that day. Without turning back, without caring. Leaving everything unfinished, so many words unsaid, so many questions unanswered and most importantly, leaving my feelings unregistered.

She said I'm not capable of feeling emotions. How could she say something as harsh as this, so easily? Why does everyone call me a monster? Yesterday, Jimin and IU called me that too. IU who never looked me in the eye while talking to me, was screaming at my face calling me a beast. Jimin, who never dared to go against my words told me how I'm a monster with no hope of getting any better.

I know what I did to Hana that day was wrong. Utterly wrong. Wrong at so many levels but I never meant to do that. I am not saying I should be forgiven, I just want to be heard. To be understood. I never wanted to go that far out of the line. Hell, I couldn't even think about hurting her physically which is why I decided to go with her fears. I may not be able to show my emotions but I feel them. Like other normal humans, I have a heart, I have feelings.

Why does no one think from my perspective? Why does no one want to know my feelings? Except for Jungkook. He is the only one who understands me.

I kept banging on the door but she wouldn't say a word, I know she is still there, sitting by the door. I know she is crying, she is hurt and I'm the reason.

I don't know what happens to me. I don't realize what I'm doing till I have destroyed something, or worse, someone. That day by the pond, one moment I was making love with her, and the second moment she was crying and screaming for me to stop. If she wouldn't have hit me, I would've hurt her really bad, like I did yesterday. I don't know what hazed my mind yesterday and even the day before yesterday. One moment we were arguing and the other moment I've ruined her completely. The moments in between are blank for me, I can't clearly remember what I was doing, what I was feeling, what I was thinking, and even what I was seeing. It's just a hazed image with the sound of her cries and my heavy breaths.

"I'm sorry, Hana. I'm sorry, baby." I whispered as I sat by the door, just opposite her. My head leaning on the shadow her body was casting through the glass of the door. Trying to gain some warmth from her shadow.

Do I really need a psychiatrist? Am I crazy or maybe perhaps suffering from a dual personality disorder?

Even if that is the case, I'm ready to spend months in a mental hospital just so that they would understand that I don't do this on purpose. I'm not actually a monster. Just so they would understand me. Will she listen to me then? Will she know my feelings then?

I hate myself for doing that. I hate myself for always ending up hurting her one way or another. She said I'm a lost cause. I don't want to be a lost cause, I want to get back in the world of light.

I want to live a normal life with my family, is that too much to ask for?

I know a monster like me doesn't deserve to be loved, at least by the person I hurt the most. But I never chose to be a monster. I never chose to lose control. Maybe I'm asking for something which I don't deserve. Maybe she was right, I would never get my family, it's not in my destiny.