i know, you know, we know

Chapter 7

The days and weeks bleed together in Jennie's confusion. It'll be December in a couple of weeks, and the cold brought with it something that burns in the pit of her stomach when she looks at Lisa. She won't lie; Jennie thought about avoiding her for a while, at least until she sorts out her own thoughts and feelings. But then, always echoes in her ears, and she knows that Lisa will notice the inches of space she would leave behind. She thought about asking Lisa to hide again just until Jennie catches her breath. But then, she remembers Lisa's arms and how that's where she feels like she can breathe, and she knows that asking Lisa to hide would do nothing but hurt them both. She thought about telling her she loves her too even though she's far from certain. But then, she dreams of Lisa's eyes and the way her love is written across her face, and she knows that Lisa deserves more than a halting I think I love you, too.

Jennie doesn't understand what's wrong. She doesn't know what's stopping her from loving Lisa when she knows it's there, humming in her bones and hiding in her heart. She feels it most when Lisa does little things that tell Jennie she knows how to love her and when Lisa gives her big moments that tell Jennie she knows how to give her the world. And yet, when it feels like the words are going to claw out of her throat, there's always something that shoves it back down where it came from.

It's exhausting, Jennie thinks as she makes her way to a hole-in-the-wall café, body covered head to toe in an effort to keep her identity a secret. It's exhausting because she prefers it when things made sense, when she could take everything that happens around her and put them in neatly labeled boxes that she could process. She almost hates the fact that Lisa stays happily outside of her boxes, unpredictable in how she loves, irrational in how she keeps falling. Jennie also doesn't like that her own feelings about Lisa are muddled and unclear and uncertain because she can't catch Lisa when she falls, not when she holds her arms out half-heartedly.

"Help," is the first thing she says to Kai when she drops heavily across him.

They've managed to maintain their friendship after the entire mess that was January. Kai understood that Jennie would always put the girls first, that she couldn't stay in a relationship that has managed to hurt everyone she loves, that she couldn't be happy with him when it killed her to stay. She had texted him a week prior, hoping that he could at least help her understand the bits and pieces she could give him about Lisa.

After all, if there was anyone in the world who could tell her if she was in love, then it would be the one person who knows what love looks like on her.

Kai raises his coffee in greeting, nose buried in his scarf. There's barely anyone in the café, and they prefer it that way, knowing firsthand that photos can deal devastating damage. He pushes a cup of coffee toward her, and she takes it gratefully, using it to warm her freezing fingers.

"I was surprised when you texted," Kai says, keeping his voice low even though it's late and the café's pretty much deserted.

Jennie nods because they've kept in contact but it was never enough to let her demand a sudden café meeting without preamble. "I think I'm that desperate."

"So you only come to me when you're desperate?" There's a teasing lilt in his tone, and it makes Jennie chuckle. "I thought we've gone through enough for you to know that you can always rely on me."

"I do know that," Jennie insists, returning his banter with a teasing grin. "I just didn't think we'd both want to be caught on camera again."

"Yeah, because that went so well last time, right?" Kai jabs harmlessly.

There are no romantic feelings here, Jennie decides. She doesn't feel the same way she did when they were together, and she thinks Kai feels the same way because he's all charm and confidence where he was awkward and hesitant in his courtship. Jennie is glad that she at least got a friend out of January's shitstorm. But she also wonders why she can't establish a conclusion with the same certainty when it comes to Lisa.