I Want to be Your First Choice, Harry Potter

Chapter Fifty Seven

As we step out into the harsh winter air I can see my breath in front of me. It's nearly Valentine's Day so it's the coldest time of the year.

It's ironic to me at least. Love is associated with such a good feeling that makes you feel warm inside but we celebrate it during the time that feels so cold and unappealing. I think that whoever made up Valentine's Day did that on purpose, of course I have no idea the history of the holiday but that's just my guess. It's a very interesting analogy to love if you look further into it.

Harry takes a deep breath and let's go of my hand. I can still feel the spots where his fingers were for a few seconds because they were slightly warmer, now they feel much colder as he looks away from me.

"I'm going to be honest with you, I have no idea what to say so I apologize for that." He begins.

"I love you." I blurt out. I don't know why but something is telling me to say that to him. Like it's important I say it now.

He looks at the ground and mumbles something that I can't make out. "I hate the way that I'm living right now, and it's not your fault but I can't do everything." He begins. I feel literally sick, like when you're about to throw up your mouth begins to feel like it's getting butterflies and it fills with water. That's how I feel right now, because the thought of not being with him makes me feel as if I'm going to throw up. I swallow hoping that it will make it better. "This relationship has been barely holding on for a few months now and I take full responsibility for that. I know that I said that I didn't want to lose you but I've realized that I need to let you go, that was just my own selfishness-"

"No it wasn't. I agree with you, I don't want to lose you either." I sound ridiculous, practically begging him not to go on.

"You'll understand once this year's over why I had to do this." He can't even look at me.

A tear rolls down my cheek but I ignore it and try to rebuttal, "But, we promised." I squeak out. "About being sixteen together." I remind him.

As soon as I say that he looks like he's also going to be sick, "I can't stay out here and negotiate with you, Gabriella. We can't be together right now and it's only for your own safety. I get it; you don't understand why but I'll be able to tell you everything soon." He keeps looking away from me. He called me Gabriella, It's really over isn't it?

I try to desperately reach for his hand but he steps back. I feel my eyes swell and my throat close as I try to hold back every single emotion they explodes inside of me.

"You could at least look at me." I say bitterly. He does, right in the eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says.

"Please, we can just talk about it. You barely even gave me a valid reason why you're doing this so suddenly." I plead. He just shakes his head at me. "Please don't leave me." I mimic the same words he used when I had promised myself to him in the grass last year. He takes a shaky breath in and walks back inside. I know that he remembered the exact moment I was refreshing him of, as he leaves me in the cold by myself.

There's so many things I could've said. But he was so sure of it, it happened so fast but he wanted it to be that way. I can tell. Because if I were to beg him anymore he wouldn't have been able to do it.

I rest my elbows on the railing and cradle my head in my hands and sob as quietly as possible. I don't want to deal with anybody coming out here and asking what's wrong.

After I can't take anymore of my own thoughts ruining my life I decide that it's time to tell Hermione and Ginny who are probably up in our room. I drag myself up the stairs, I think that everyone who was in the common room knows what just happened since Harry went up to his room probably looking dreadful and my face covered in red splotches. As Luna said, we were quite the couple only now I have to use the word "were" instead of "are" and I can't handle it.

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I open the creaking door to our room slowly and see Hermione doing some work while Ginny's laying on her bed with her knees up,  throwing a ball in the air and catching it repeatedly. It's a game she usually plays where she tries to throw it high enough where it almost hits the ceiling but not quite. I think her and Ron came up with it during the summer of second year.

"Hey Gabriella. Oh did you see that one!" She exclaims, not taking her eyes off of the ball. Hermione doesn't look up either until I respond. 

"Yeah." I clear my throat after because I realize how shaky my voice sounded. They both whip their heads at me and look horrified at how awful I look, at least that's what I assume their widened eyes are for. They both take a minute to figure out what to say to me so I start for them. "If you're wondering what happened you can just ask." I say. Hermione gives me a look to just spit it out already. "We broke up." I say.

I'm embarrassed, to say the least. How pathetic, I didn't even demand an answer from him, I just let him go. I should've done more, or anything. I just sort of stood there and let him tell me that our relationship was over. I don't know if I'll be able to live with myself after that realization.

Hermione and Ginny give me the generic comfort that any other girl would give. There's not much that they can do other than that but I hate general statements like "I'm so sorry." Sorry for what? It's all so predictable. And of course there's "It'll be ok." But that's just a lie that has become so common to use that it's acceptable to say even to your closest of friends.

I want to talk to Harry again but I know I can't, he would know what to say because he knows everything about me. But I don't have that anymore either. He wasn't just a boyfriend, he was my best friend, ever since we were eleven. Once you break up with your best friend it doesn't ever go back to the way things used to be. I don't want our relationship to be another lost cause. I want to try to work things out, maybe tomorrow he'll have talked to Ron or someone that would tell him how stupid he was. It's crazy how fast things can go so wrong but it'll take ages for them to go right again.

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