Dear Kulsum✅

16.

KULSUM'S POV.

I should've known that it was only a matter of time.

It was bound to resurface again sooner or later. I don't know why I didn't to think it'll come sooner. A last stage of cancer isn't something you can give time to and believe it'll stick to that. You might think you have all the time in the world but in a few seconds it can end you with no warning whatsoever.

Why am I saying this? Am I dying?

Yes, and no.

I don't know what dying feels like so I can exactly tell you that I'm dying. However, I can tell you that I am currently in an extremely excruciating pain. My upper abdomen hurts so much that I fear I'd throw up everything in it.

Throwing up, that's another thing.

I'd puked only once tonight but that was enough to leave me exhausted. Why? Because I puked blood...again. Trust me, it's never a nice experience.

I rolled on my bed and clutched my abdomen as my eyes well up with tears out of pain. I bit my lower lip so hard that pain shot through my body. But, the pain was nothing compared to the agony I am going through. A scream escaped past my lips as I rolled on the bed and fell off it landing on the cold floor of my room. Tears stream down my face as I clenched my eyes shut. I didn't know what hurts most, my upper abdomen or my back. What I do know however is that neither is a good feeling.

I don't know for how much longer I can handle this. And the worst part is that it just had to happen when I actually wanted to get better. I don't have time, I know that. However, I have to do this no matter how slim the chances of getting better is.

That was the bit of hope I held onto until the darkness consumed my whole being. I preferred that. But, I know it's only a matter of time before I have to face the cruel reality that is my life.

~*~

The next day, it felt like the events of the night before didn't happen but if anything, the pain I felt proved to me that it is real. What I did understand from that however is that I only have a short time before I fully suffer the effects of my cancer. And, by then, I can't escape it. It will be on full force.

I'm not sure if treatment will help. But the bigger question is, will I agree to having treatment?

Sure, I am trying to get better however if I don't get anything before then, I'd gladly accept my fate. After all, it is what I have been hoping for all these years.

I sighed and picked up my hoodie and put it on top of the black tank top I have on and lastly, a grey hoodie to cover my short hair which I cut. I didn't bother to glance at my reflection in the mirror when I was done. I did that when I woke up and to say I looked like a zombie will be an understatement. I had dark ugly bags underneath my bloodshot eyes and my face looks sunken. I couldn't bear to look at my reflection anymore so I looked away.

I slipped into my sneakers and headed out for breakfast knowing if I don't, they'll have no problem dragging me out. I don't plan on being dragged out on a day like this. Today is the day I have been waiting for since I came here.

Today my family is coming. I still remember the conversation I had with Doctor Firdaus, my therapist, yesterday when she told me that she invited them today.

She sighed as she clamped her hands together. I had just told her the story of how Salma introduced me into the use of drugs and since then she hadn't uttered a word—which by the way was weird. For as long as I'd known her, she had always been a person that never runs out of words to say. I highly doubt she kept quiet because she was surprised though. She's a doctor and a therapist, she ought to be familiar with such scenarios.