Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 30

Katniss

"I try to see clearer, try to forget the fires I started. I try to be nearer to where you are." -Ellie Goulding

Finally, after days of sleeping and medicine and a bit of physical therapy, the doctors say I can be discharged from this hospital I've been stuck in. I can finally do what I am supposed to do. As soon as I'm discharged, Coin has had me notified that there's an announcement being made in 5 minutes. I'm supposed to report back to where we were for her previous bombshell of an announcement.

I report to the same spot, where I find Peeta, Finnick, Haymitch, and most surprisingly, Johanna. Along with them is Plutarch and Gale and all of the people I usually see in Command. I stand between Finnick and Johanna, almost feeling as if I need to distance myself from Peeta. I don't know why I feel like it, but I guess I want to lessen his immense burden. I say hi to Finnick and then to Johanna, quietly. We wait, only exchanging a few anxious glances at each other. And then, as if materializing out of thin air, Coin appears.

She walks to the balcony that overlooks the crowd of people gathered on the floors below us. Where she stands, there's a silver microphone. She taps on it, reminding me of that first Reaping when Effie impatiently thumped on the microphone.

"Thank you for interrupting your schedules to attend this meeting. Your schedules are already adjusted to fit the time needs." She announces, rather monotone.
In the days since, I've almost forgotten about the vote. The entire district voted on whether or not I should be the one to kill Snow when the Surrender finally happens.
"I have called you here as a sort of reveal. As you all are aware, last week you were required to take a vote on a very symbolic and quite important event. It was proposed to us that Katniss Everdeen should be the one to kill President Snow at the Surrender. I remain ultimately neutral on the matter, and have left it up to the population to decide fairly." She says.

My previous anxiety has only sky rocketed through the roof. I, myself, don't even know at times if I should be the one to kill Snow. Peeta says it could have been part of the hijacking process. Maybe they wanted to strip away my resolve and my plan to assassinate the President. It's a valid theory, I'll give him that.

"I have the results of the vote." She says, emotionlessly.

My heart beats ferociously, threatening to rip out of my chest. My face is hot, my palms getting sweatier by the second.
Johanna notices and whispers quickly into my ear.
"Take a deep breath," she says, "you're fine."

I try to take her brisk advice. I breathe in and out slowly and deeply, ignoring the questioning looks that get thrown my way.
"As a result," she starts. It feels as if she's dragging this out, driving me crazy with anxiety. "The majority of 13 has come to a consensus that yes, Katniss Everdeen, our Mockingjay, will fire the final shot of the War at the Surrender."

I suck in air, quickly. I wasn't expecting a no, but I don't think I quite expected a yes either. Coin turns to look at me, as if beckoning me forward. I'm frozen. It takes a small push from Johanna to get my feet moving up to where Coin stands. I stand next to her awkwardly as she talks about the vote being close. Then she turns her head to look at me, gesturing for me to speak.
I look at the microphone, and turn my head away from it so the entire Population of 13 doesn't hear what I say to Coin.
"You want me to... Speak?" I ask, anxiety through the roof.
"Well, yes. Just a few remarks." She replies.
"About what?" I ask.
"It's up to you. Make sure you thank them for voting." She says.

She's given me nothing but an immense and intimidating audience, a microphone, and perhaps the largest spotlight in 13. Everyone's eyes are surely on me.
I turn back to the microphone, and watch through my peripheral vision as Coin walks away from the microphone. Leaving me all alone.

I begin to panic. Johanna's words play in my head. Take a deep breath. I breathe in and out deeply, thinking quickly of what to say.
"Hi." I say, my voice echoing through the dank, metal walls of 13.
"Um, I just wanted to say thank you for voting. And um, it's a huge honor to have this privilege and this opportunity." I say. I almost end my brief speech there, but I add one last thing.
"I'll, um, I won't miss." I say. The only laugh that comes from the audience comes from behind me, from somebody I know. I guess 13 doesn't have much of a sense of humor, especially not with this topic.

Underwhelmed by my speech, I turn from the microphone and walk out.
--
Prim takes my arm, gently, and pulls me up from the corner I'm crouched in. I stand, only because she's here with me. She leads me down the long corridors back to my Family's compartment. She sits me on the bed and starts to comb the knots out of my dark hair. My mother is working the night shifts tonight in the Hospital.

When Prim finishes with my hair, she puts her hand on my arm.
"What's going on?" She asks, gently.
"I don't know." I say.
"You don't know?" She says.
"No. I'm a mess."

"Oh, Katniss... You're not a mess." She replies.
"Then what am I?" I ask, sounding as hopeless as I feel.
"Well," she says, "for one thing, you're recovering. Snow has tried so hard to break you. He's tried to kill you, you didn't let him, but you can't say he didn't hurt you. He did. You need to have time to recover and time to re figure yourself out and get better."

"I guess." I say.
"I know you think you can do this alone, all in one day. But Katniss, you can't do this alone. You're not in this alone, you never have been. Just tell me what's going on." She says, gently.

I'm not even sure myself what's going on.
"I just wish I knew what was real and.. And what wasn't." I say.
"Ask." She says.
"Who do I even ask?" I ask her, feeling worse and worse.
"Me. Peeta. Mom. Finnick. Johanna... Gale." She says.
"Not Gale." I reply, quickly.
"Okay," she says, "But Katniss, you get the point. We love you. You can just ask us."

I wipe a tear that spills from my eye.
Prim puts her arm around me.
"Anything else bothering you?" She says.
"I, um, I've been thinking... What if I can't kill Snow? I mean, what if the time comes and I can't fire that arrow? What if I break down or have a relapse?" I ask, upset.
"You're going to be fine, Katniss. I love you. I know you can do this." She answers.

"But I don't." I say.
"I do. You're strong." She replies.
I just shake my head. I'm so confused and so upset.

She puts her arm around me. And in that moment, I see exactly how Prim has had to cope with so much. Me, leaving for the Games twice. Dad dying, Mom being completely unreachable, 12 getting reduced to ashes and rubble, and now me being like this. Me being Hijacked. She's been forced to grow too fast. Tragedy has forced us to all grow much to fast for anyone's liking. But it is what it is, and there's no going back. Especially not now.

"I'm the reason 12 is gone. Real or not real?" I ask. I have a feeling I know the answer. At first I think Prim will say no. But she doesn't lie to me.
"In a way, real..." She says, quietly.
"But," she adds, "it wasn't just you. It was supposed to be a message for the rebels."
"It was my fault." I repeat, and she refutes me again.
"No, not real." She says. "Listen to me, Katniss. Look at me."

My gray eyes lock onto hers.
"Not real." She says.

It's as if a curtain has been lifted. Like a window of a house in 12, covered in coal dust, wiped clean.
I can see, the memory a little less shiny and tinted with the purple of the venom. The memory, like a window, is still a little foggy, some shininess still remains. But it's clearer. I shot the arrow at the sky of the arena with a purpose. And my actions were followed by a consequence. What hurts most is that so many others paid for my actions with their lives. But I just have to keep going.

I have to keep repeating it to myself until I can believe it wholly.

Not real. Not real.

**sorry if this took forever for me to write! I've been trying but I'm a little busy! ❤️

-Aly (amalady21)**