Pre And Post Pandemic Poetry

Hush

How?

Tell me how I can ignore him.

That voice, his accusations. His insinuations.

Sharp.

His eyesight is sharp.

Sharp enough to notice every misstep, every hiccup.

He makes sure to mark them all on repeat so I can't forget.

My memory...

It's fading.

They can't do anything. An apparent side-effect of every deficiency this broken vessel contains. Soon I'll forget my own name but not his.

He's constantly there. Always has been.

Sitting,

Waiting.

Anxiously observing every menial action and choice.

Every mistake,

Every anxiety filled day he's there.

He laughs.

The cynicism in his voice resonates through my head as I try to reason with him.

There's no point in arguing. He will always prevail.

So I plead. Tell me how.

How can I ignore something that dwells within me? Something that paints a misshapen collage of every mistake, every stammer, every insult I've ever taken or made.

Though they're lies, his whispers are so inviting. So real. They fill me. Drown me. Stifle me. Will me

I try to vent. God knows I try. But when nuclear waste is dumped into a pool of water, it only contaminates it.

It becomes stagnant, dirty. So ill keep it in.

I won't try to take it out anymore. For a moment I thought it was working...

I was wrong.

I only polluted those waters even more..

So ill wrap my mind around him. I'll imprison him and shove him down to the deepest corner of my subconscious, where the real nightmares lurk.

That will quell the uncertainty that plagues me. Certain. What else can?

I wish desperately not to believe. Not to feel his degradation to my core but It's already engraved in my tired spirit.

I can't change...but maybe I'll outgrow it.

If only I had water, oxygen to help me breathe.

But there isn't. Not in this fucking chasm.

But it's okay.

I've lived in this hole my entire life. I've carried his berration with me for nearly three decades. And I'll most likely carry them for more.

So I won't fight this spreading toxicity. Theres no way of stopping this cancerous mind set. It's why I'm better off alone.

So ill take the last bit of strength that remains within and I'll isolate. I'll keep him at bay.
I'll keep his impulses, his whispers and his anger locked away.

That's safer.

And necessary.

But this time, instead of screaming out like I have been doing, Instead of crying out and attempting to release it, i'll bare the burden in silence. For he is mine and mine alone to bear.

Things would never be the same if you knew how many times I've tried to give up.

It's a number that's better left unsaid.

Much like the overwhelming emotions that tear their way through me on a daily basis, that sentiment must be hushed.

So please, hush.

Hush so I can smile.

Hush as I bare my teeth.

Hush as it try to keep that fake smile plastered on my lips. Hush so I won't cause anymore damage.

Then everything will be fine.
No one will question my sanity
Not if pretend that I still have some left.

#poetry #poetrydump #mentalhealth
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