Sweet Secrets

Chapter 25

August 31st.

I can breathe again. That's nice. Chest still hurts like hell, but I can breathe without added oxygen or the nebulizer. It hurts, but I can do it and I'm proud. My fingers can close all the way, and I can rotate my wrist better but my hand still tremors and it's still in a brace except for exercising it and physical therapy. The scar is ugly. All of them are. The neurosurgeon and physical therapist don't think that the tremors will stop anytime soon, if at all. Its hard to keep a grasp on things in my left hand because of the shakes. Still, I can feel and move my left hand at all. For a while, I thought I wouldn't be able to. 
"Jack, I want to leave. I don't want to be here anymore." I sigh as I practice my hand exercises with gripping the ball repeatedly, glaring each time my stupid fucking hand shakes. 
Jack raised his eyebrow at me "What do you mean?" He's sitting on his computer doing the last remnants of his schoolwork before he graduates. He's gotten a few calls from places to intern at schools, since he wants to be a music teacher.
"I mean I want to leave Maryland. I can't be here anymore, Jack. It's where my family died, it's where I was in a toxic, abusive relationship, it's where I genuinely feel like I cannot be myself and that's why I'm struggling with my own identity when really, I should be able to do what I want which is wear whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want to wear it. It's where I got shot by the same abusive piece of shit. I got shot Jack. As in almost died. As in nearly lost the use of my left arm completely. I don't want to be here Jack. I can't." I shook my head, glaring at the ball again as my hand shook. I threw it hard across the room, watching it bounce off the dresser "FUCK" I yelled angrily.

Jack just stared at me for a minute, "Okay...Lex I understand that but baby I can't leave yet...I have to finish college...I have to do an internship for at least a year...It's paid at least so we could save up..." 
I stared at him wide eyed "THEN I'LL GO WITHOUT YOU! I CAN'T BE HERE JACK!" I got up out of bed and paced the room, "I CAN'T LIVE HERE AND I CAN'T GO TO THAT CAFE FILLED WITH BULLET HOLES AND STAND WHERE I STOOD WHEN I WAS BEGGING HIM TO NOT SHOOT AND TELLING HIM THAT HE COULD KILL ME IF HE HAD TO OR THAT I WOULD WILLINGLY GO WITH HIM IF IT MEANT HE DIDN'T HURT ANYONE JACK! I CANNOT BE HERE!" I screamed, my chest is on fucking fire which isn't good. My lung is better, but not that much better.
Jack closed his computer, "Alex. Sit down. Just stop for a minute." He stood up and walked over to me, putting his hands on my shoulders.
I shook him off of me, "No, you stop. I love you so much. I love how much you've helped me and taken care of me but I need you to understand right now that I cannot be here. I will not be here. I will end my fucking lease today, pack my shit and move where I want to. I want to be ALL the way on the other side of this stupid country. I want to be in Los Angeles or nearby it, where it's sunny, where there's SO much to see and do, where there are so many new people and so much open diversity that most times, people don't even spare the weirdos like me a second glance. I don't want to be here Jack." I stared at him, hoping like hell the intense look in my eyes would convey the screaming that I wanted to keep doing.
Jack sighed, "Can I ask my teacher if I can try to get an internship in California then?" He put his hands on my hips.

I just stared at him for a minute, "Don't do anything because of me. It's my PTSD. It's my anxiety. It's my bullet wounds. It's my scars. It's my identity crisis. Not yours. So don't do anything for me. I don't want you to resent me." I looked down at his hands.
Jack squeezed my hips a little, normally that would turn me on, but right now it just got my attention "Alexander. Do you think that there's anywhere that you'd go that I wouldn't follow? You could tell me right now that you wanted to move to Switzerland and I'd tell you yes. I do have to finish this, though. So I'm saying yes. You have to remember that I've got bad history in this place too, Alex. I don't want to be here anymore than you do. I do have responsibilities though. I have to see them through." He squeezed my hips again.
I stared down at my feet, then put my arms around his neck and hugged him, "Okay." I whispered in response.
He's going to come with me.
"I graduate in three weeks. I can ask about finding an internship at a school near LA. If that's where you really want to go, start looking." He kissed my lips.
I kissed him right back, "Okay." I answered again. I am going to start looking. Right now.
I sat back down on my bed and opened my laptop, while he sat down and opened his to finish what he'd been working on.
I pulled up a realty website that would show me places in our price range to rent. I already found a few places.