Sweet Secrets

Chapter 6

"Alex...Hey, wake up. You're okay." I heard quietly as I came back reality. 
I hated it here in reality. I wanted to sleep again.
Why was I asleep? Why was I on the floor?
Oh yeah.
I freaked out on Jack. 
Now I really wanted to go back to sleep.
"Come on, Alex." Jack said as he ran his fingers through my hair.
That felt good. 
I opened my eyes. 
My head was pounding.
"Welcome back" He had a small smile on his face, one that I couldn't return right now.
"Come here." He held his arms out.
I sat up and let myself into his embrace. I didn't care what it meant at the moment.
I couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. He was here, someone gave a shit about me, and someone wanted to hold me. I would've accepted that from a stranger on the street, to be honest.
Sometimes you just need to be held and feel cared about.

"I'm sorry" I whispered, my cheek against his chest, the both of us sitting awkwardly on the floor.
"Was that a real panic attack?" He asked, rubbing my back.
I nodded, "Told you. I like to run away too but...No where to really run. Still...Sometimes I just want to run...To not be anywhere anymore." I closed my eyes. 
"Well I'm glad you didn't run. I'm sorry you passed out though. You couldn't really breathe. You wouldn't stop..." He sounded worried.
"Sorry." It was all I could say. It's not like I could help it. Nothing would change it.
Jack hugged me close, "You don't have to be sorry. You told me to not be sorry for mine." He had his cheek against the top of my head as he hugged me. It felt good.
"Can we go to bed?" I asked quietly.
Jack nodded, "Okay" I let him help me up.
"Do you want the wall side or the side by the edge?" He asked as he pulled the comforter down.
"Wall please." I said quietly, crawling into his bed against the wall. I closed my eyes once my head hit the pillow. It hurt so bad.
"Jack?" I looked at him just as he was about to get into bed next to me.
"Yeah?" He offered me a small smile.
"Do you have ibuprofen?"
He nodded, "Yeah. I'll be right back." He left the room and went downstairs.
He came back up with a glass of water and two pills.
I sat up a little, taking the pills and glass from him.
I closed my eyes as I swallowed them. I handed the water back to him, just in case he wanted to drink some too.
Jack put the glass on his bedside table, laid down next to me and pulled the blanket up over us.
"Can we cuddle?" I looked at him, laying on my side. He was looking at me in the same position.
He smiled and held his arms out.
I scooted into him, my arm over his side and my face hidden against his chest. 
I'm such a fucking idiot.
You really did ruin it. He's just being nice, you moron.
I know.
Have fun being alone forever.
I won't.
I know you won't.
I'll leave this planet before that happens.
You should.
I know.

The internal argument I was having with myself was making me feel worse. 
I had to stop. 
So instead, I did what I always did. The only thing that even mildly helped.
I sang a song. It was quiet, I didn't bother actually trying.
I more or less just sang against his chest, words mumbled from my lips being against his shirt.

"Staring at the mirror through your hair,

You can't see everything that you did to me.
With your automatic eyes, five years disappeared.
Five years disappeared that night.

Do you want me to stay,
Do you want me to go?
Do you think I recognize
The look on your face when you think that
I know?
Blinded as the shades draw closed,
Time's up for us
Would you want me to go,
If you knew what I know?
If you knew what I know.

Staring at the wall above the bed,
I can't sleep with all the secrets that you keep.
With your automatic eyes,
Five years disappeared.
Five years disappeared that night."

I sniffled a little after I was done and took a deep breath. I felt my hot breath against my face as I breathed it out against his shirt.
"I love when you sing, you know." He said quietly.
I smiled just at tiny bit. It was weak, not entirely genuine. Still, it was a smile.
"I know." 

Morning was better. I wasn't exactly sure when I'd fallen asleep last night, but either way I was glad that I managed to.
When I woke up, Jack wasn't in bed. That was okay. I yawned and rolled over onto my back, staring at the ceiling. 
I wasn't sure how much time passed, because I wasn't paying attention to anything. Instead, I was focused on making shapes with the bumps on the ceiling.
"Alex?" I heard.
I looked over and saw Jack with two plates in his hands and two glasses of orange juice tucked in his arms against his chest.
I smiled, got up and grabbed the glasses, setting them on his table.
"Thanks" He sat down next to me on the bed and passed me a plate.
It had scrambled eggs, bacon and toast with jelly on it of some sort. 
"Thank you." I picked up the toast and took a bite. It was strawberry jelly.
He sat down next to me and worked on his own plate.
"When do you want to get the rest of your stuff?" He asked as I took a bite of my eggs.
"I don't know...I guess when we're done. Just take me to the rental place so I can get a truck." I sighed.
"It'll be fine. We'll get everything you need, get your stuff and bring it here and then you can take me back and I'll bring your car here while you return the truck." He shrugged his shoulders. Seemed like a simple enough plan to me, so I just nodded and went back to my food.

I didn't expect moving my things would be so easy, but JT was out of the house so there was no one there to cause any drama. No one there to call me names, to make me feel like shit. I was free finally. It felt great. I missed my room already, though. 
Back at Jack's house, he was downstairs in the garage stacking all of my boxes in a safe spot.
I was on my laptop finding a hotel that would accept someone staying there for a month. I figured a month would give me enough time to find an apartment.
I spent the day sorting out clothes that I'd keep with me at the hotel and what I'd keep at Jack's.
I took seven pairs of jeans, seven shirts, two jackets, socks, underwear and my converse. Everything else stayed packed. This fucking sucked, but I wasn't about to have mountains of laundry to do either.
I got up and went to the bathroom, looking at myself. The stubble on my face disgusted me. I knew it actually looked pretty good on me according to others. When it came to me and my opinion though, I felt disgusting. Revolting. Ugly. Nasty. I gripped the sink and closed my eyes.
This was too much. All of this was entirely too much. 

I looked at myself again.
Ugly.
I know.
Why do you even try? Hair or not you're gross.
I know.
You're not supposed to be like this you know.
I know.
So quit trying.
I can't.
Why not?
I'm no one if I give up one of the only things that makes me happy.
Happy when society would destroy you for it?
I know.
So why are you so happy keeping such a big secret?
I'm not.
So give up. You look like shit anyway.
I know.
So stop.
I can't.
Be gross then. It's not like the entire internet hasn't seen you looking disgusting anyway.
I'm deleting it.
Coward.
I know.