Sweet Secrets

Chapter 18

(Chapter for Sharry and Casey)

July 4th. 

"Let's go take a shower love, let's get all clean and let's go get breakfast." Jack said quietly.
I nodded, sitting up. He put his hand on my cheek, feeling the longer stubble on it.
I hadn't been taking care of myself. With everything going on, plus trying to keep up with school and wondering if Jack had been doing any of his, which all seemed like tiny and irrelevant things, dealing with Eli...All of it had me stressed out to all holy hell.
He stood up and offered me his hand.
I took it, embracing how warm it was. 
He lead me into the bathroom and started the shower.
I felt dead inside, I probably looked it too.
That's probably why he handled everything, pulling my pants off of me, my underwear, then helping me out of my shirt before stripping himself down.
He ran his finger down my chest.
I looked at it all. The hair on my pubic area was bothering me too. It all bothered me.
Life fucking bothered me right now.
I raised an eyebrow as Jack grabbed my face razor from the medicine cabinet and my shaving cream that smelled like roses, then helped me into the shower.
We washed our hair and our bodies, I kept one hand on him at all times.

"Here, stand really still." Jack said with a smile.
I looked at him confused, watching as he put some of my shaving cream on his hand, then on my face.
He took my razor and started shaving my face and neck, very carefully.
I smiled a tiny bit. This was sweet. It wasn't the perfect wax I'd normally get, but honestly, anything to make me feel a little more human in these shitty times was welcomed by me.
He rinsed the razor and set it down, then grabbed my body razor from where it hung on the shower wall, the shaving cream again and started rubbing it down my legs.
He got on his knees and worked on shaving those too.
Somehow, this turned me on.
I bit my lip, a little embarrassed.
He just smiled at me, "Let me finish." He said quietly.
I nodded and closed my eyes, putting my hand over myself. My erection didn't need to be fully displayed like that. Not until he was done at least.
He shaved my legs perfectly smooth, "Move your hand love." He got more shaving cream.
He so carefully started shaving all of my pubic hair and I swear to god, I didn't expect to, but I moaned. It was quiet and breathy, but I actually moaned.
I saw him smirk.
Do I have a shaving kink? Or a boyfriend takes care of me completely kink? Or am I just turned on by literally anything he does because he's alive at all? 
I don't know. Either way. I enjoy it.
I didn't expect him to lick my slit, then take me all in.
My breath hitched, "Fuck" I whispered.
Jack put the razor down on the shower floor and held onto my ass, using his tongue like pure magic as I let my head tilt back a little, my moans growing louder and louder.

Sadly, he pulled back and I let out a little whimper.
"I'm not done." He said quietly. Once again, he got more shaving cream, standing up to rub it on my chest, then down to my happy trail.
He carefully shaved that, slowly, making me that much more antsy. 
I'm topping. Fuck it.
He shaved my arms and my armpits last, he did that the most slowly and I almost hated him for it, but god it felt so good.
He put my razor down and I shoved him against the wall, pressing my lips to his with force that should've told him that he doesn't get a choice in this right now. I'm the one in charge.
He seemed to accept it as his hands made their way to my ass again, his growing erection against me like mine was against him.
I pulled back and held out three fingers, "Suck."
He took my fingers into his mouth and sucked until they were coated. His legs were even spread a bit. He was eager for this.
"Knees." 
He got down on his hands and knees. I got down with him and slipped one finger in, curling it around, then added a second and started scissoring, slowly stretching him. It had been a while since I topped. 
I smirked when he backed his ass up, "More?" I asked.
He nodded, "Uh huh" He let out in a little whine as I added the third finger, curling and scissoring until I found his extra sensitive spot. He arched his back, "Alex" He moaned my name.
God I fucking love that sound.
"Do it please" He begged, backing his ass up more.
I removed my fingers and centered myself, pushing in slowly.
He hissed a little at first, then relaxed and I pushed myself in even more, giving him a chance to get used to it. I pushed all the way in and started off slow, my hands on his hips.
"I love you" I breathed out in between a low moan.
He responded to me with a moan as I went just a little harder and a bit faster.
I chewed on my bottom lip, my moans stifled as I listened to his fill the room. God he sounds fucking beautiful.

I pulled out, "Roll over love" I said gently, and he did what I asked, lifting his legs.
I took them and held them around my waist, centering myself again and pushing myself back in.
His back arched as I did.
I started back up at the same pace that I was at before I pulled out, I had to see his gorgeous face.
I watched the pain and pleasure on his face, moaning out those sweet moans of his that I only got if I was topping, much like my loud moans were soft and quiet. 
"Alex..." He moaned out, looking up at me and closing his eyes again.
"Jack...Fuck...You feel so good" My voice was a bit gravelly, which was unexpected. His was usually the rougher one.
"Touch me" He begged. 
"I wanna see you." I did. I wanted to see that beautiful face as he got himself off. I always got to see from his perspective. I want to see it from mine.
Jack took his cock into his hand and started stroking himself slowly at first, until I started thrusting harder and faster, my name coming out of his pretty mouth while his came out of mine, along with a mass amount of the word 'fuck.' That seemed to be our go to work when we had sex.
"Mmm..." He moaned out, "I'm close" He whimpered a little.
I picked up my pace even more, completely railing him now. My loud moans came back. 
"Oh fuck...Fuck...Fuck...Jack you're so fucking tight" I gripped onto his hips, watching him get himself off faster and more sloppy.
"Oh...Mmm...Alex...Alex..." He moaned out as he came all over himself.
I chewed down hard on my bottom lip, letting out a muffled pornstar moan as I came inside of him.
I rode out my high for a minute before I pulled out and fell back onto my ass.

He sat up and looked at me with a small smile, "Wow." 
"Wow is right." I shook my head a little, then stood up and offered my hand, pulling him up with me.
I grabbed the body wash, squirted some onto my hand and washed his cum off of him, then washed my dick, handing him the soap and watching with a little smirk as he washed his ass, then scrubbed his hands with the soap again before rinsing off and putting it back.
He picked up my body razor and put it back where it belonged.
"Shaving you turned you on?" He asked curiously, his hands on my hips.
I shrugged, "I guess so." I blushed a little, then turned the water off and got out.
He followed me and took the towel I held out for him. 
We dried off in the bathroom, brushed our teeth and took turns with the blow dryer and hair straightener, put on our deodorant and body spray, with me absolutely living for the smell of his alone. There was a moment where I thought I'd never get to smell it on him again, and just smelling it from the bottle would never be enough.
I closed my eyes.
"Alex?" He asked.
"Shh." I responded.
After a minute, I opened my eyes again, "I was just thinking about that scent you wear...on you. Like after it's set in on your skin, and it mixes with how you smell, and I just...Jack I was terrified I'd never get to experience that again and I can't handle that." I sighed, finishing with my hair. I left it flat today. Straightened, but flat.
I waited for him to finish what he was doing and walked naked with him to our room, leaving the towels behind.

I pulled on a pair of boxer briefs, watching him do the same. He got dressed in a black v neck and a pair of dark washed jeans.
I on the other hand went into the other room and grabbed a pair of high waisted distressed light wash jeans, a black Calvin Klein crop top and my maroon cardigan.
I pulled on a pair of socks and the ankle boots Jack said he liked. So it wasn't his favorite outfit, but that's only because that one is in the dirty clothes hamper along with his jeans that I no longer wanted to look at. Jack could do this load of laundry and then he could throw those jeans away. Burn them. Burn them with the fucking note he wrote me.
I sighed, sitting down at my vanity.
Did I even want to bother?
Not really.
Would I anyway to serve as a distraction from the thoughts in my mind? Yes.
I put on concealer, powder foundation, blush and bronzer, keeping that simple. I cleaned up my eyebrows and did a little bit of eyeliner, false lashes, mascara and berry red lip stain.

I got up and joined Jack in the living room.
"I need you to do the laundry, and I need you to get rid of those jeans and that note. Burn them in the fireplace, I don't care, I'll buy you new jeans but they have to go please. They have to." I begged him, watching him grab his keys and tuck his phone into his wallet.
He nodded, "Yeah love of course. I'll do it when we get home." 
We went to the car and drove to my favorite little hole in the wall breakfast place.
"I have work today." I mumbled as we got seated at our table.
I looked through the menu.
"Is that a bad thing?" He asked curiously as he did the same thing as me.
I shook my head, "No...Not really. I'm just scared to leave you alone at home." I sighed.
"I have a lot of schoolwork to make up for, especially since this is my last semester before I graduate, so I mean...I could bring my laptop to the cafe and hang out there while you work?" Jack looked up at me from his menu.
I nodded without hesitation, "Do that. I start in two hours. So. We'll eat, go home, you can put the laundry in and do something with those stupid jeans and that stupid note, then we'll go." I stared at him while I gauged his reaction. He didn't seem upset about my bitterness.
Jack just nodded and went back to looking at the menu.

I was annoyed at the overly nice waitress who kept giving me unsure looks. When the hell would the looks stop? Yay I'm a dude in makeup. Huzzah. The world is gonna end if I dare top this lip stain with a gloss.
I started to think about it though after she got my drink order.
Am I a guy? Do I truly identify as a guy? Sometimes I feel more like a woman...There are days when all I wish is to have an actual woman's body. Breasts, bigger lips, curved hips, a more feminine face instead of one that I try to create with makeup...Some days though, I felt like a true man. Sometimes I wanted to grow my body and facial hair out for a while, not wear the nails. Just be a dude.
What the hell does that mean? The term I'd accepted long ago, just being a femme guy, it didn't seem to apply to me anymore. I don't relate to it.
I feel different and I don't like it. I looked down at my clothes, sighing a little.
"You okay?" Jack asked curiously.
I shook my head, "I don't know. I guess. It's nothing though. I'll talk to you about that after you and I talk tonight. I can't wait anymore and we need to have that big talk." I shut up when the waitress came back with our drinks. Coffee and orange juice for me, orange juice for Jack.
She took our orders, mine is the combo with eggs, sausage, bacon and toast, Jack's is the omelet with toast.

"I guess we can have the talk if you really need to tonight." Jack sounded nervous now.
"I can't wait anymore Jack. I can't. You have to know my side of things too. Look at me this morning. I literally had a mental breakdown on you and the idea that if you so much as walked five feet away from me, not touching me, you'd leave and you'd die. I need to talk now." I shook my head, looking a little annoyed as I dumped creamer into my coffee and took a sip.
"Alex I didn't say we couldn't talk tonight...It just makes me nervous. Okay?" He took a drink of his juice.
"Okay...Okay. I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound pissed off or mad...I just...God Jack. I'm terrified now. I'm traumatized from all of this and I don't know if there's any real coming back from it. You've gotta understand that." I explained, trying and hoping he'd get it.
"I get that Alex. I'm gonna talk to you." 
We left the conversation at that, eating our breakfast slowly. 
The drive home was quiet too, not an awkward quiet but one that made it clear that we had nothing to say. 
Jack went inside to get his laptop and books, to put the laundry in and to come back out, bringing my apron and hat with him.
"So just hang out while I work okay? Please don't go anywhere else." I asked, feeling bad that I'm asking that much of him.
"I won't go anywhere, I have a lot to catch up on like I said Lex. I know you're scared. I'm sorry that you are and if I could go back and fix it, change it, make sure it never happened in the first place...I would. I'm sorry that I can't." Jack took my hand as I drove, squeezing it.
I squeezed his back.


Jack and I walked into the cafe with Tiff giving me a small smile.
Owen walked out from behind the counter and hugged me, then waited for Jack to put his stuff down at the table closest to the counter and hugged him too.
"Hey Jack!" He said happily. He knew what happened, not all of the details of course, but he knew the gist.
"Hey Owen." Jack smiled back.
"Tiff, get him a coffee please." 
Tiff smiled, already on it.
"I know, Owen, I know. His favorite caramel macchiato." She rolled her eyes a little as she worked on Jack's drink.
I put my apron and hat on, went behind the counter and clocked myself in on the register.
"You okay?" Tiff asked quietly, glancing at Jack who was setting up his laptop.
I shrugged, "We're gonna talk about it tonight. I sort of had a massive mental breakdown on him this morning. I found his note." I whispered, then got to work on grinding some fresh coffee beans. I wanted the loudness of the grinder to shut her up.
Tiff got the hint. She went back to making Jack's drink, topped it with his favorites and brought it out to him.
"Thanks Tiff." I heard Jack say.

My shift was quiet, I made drinks, took orders, talked to Jack here and there and on breaks. At lunch I sat down and ate a sandwich with him, then went right back to work. He seemed to have gotten all of his schoolwork caught up on, so maybe it wasn't as much as he thought. Good, because we were having our talk whether he liked it or not. It's my turn now.
I finished up, cleaning the counters off, then the espresso machine and the coffee machines, the syrup and toppings station, ending with cleaning the registers.
"Come on babe." I said with a tiny smile, carrying my hat and apron.
Jack smiled back, got up and gathered his things and followed me to the car, and again. The car ride was quiet. I was thinking of everything that I wanted to say, but knowing me, I'd draw a complete blank and have to bullshit my way through the conversation like I had it all planned out, despite my real plan being thrown out the window.
When we got back home, Jack hung up his keys, put his wallet on the side table in the living room and followed me to our room. I put my apron and hat up on the little hook by the dresser, kicked off my shoes and sat down on the end of the bed.
He sat down next to me.
My face got red and hot as I felt my anxiety set in.
Jack was messing with his fingers, looking down at them.

I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slow.
"Okay...So you know how much you scared me right? How I swore to god you might hit me if I came close to touching you again or trying to talk to you? Well. I would've rather you hit me than did what you did. I know that you couldn't really help it. You weren't there in the moment and I understand that, god knows I do...But Jack, what the hell would've happened if I found you too late? What would've happened if I walked up to you right as you jumped? What if I was too late? You would've done it. You would've left me with nothing but that note, and then I'd die too. Then I'd come home and I'd die too, or hell. Maybe I would've jumped right in with you. Jack, I'm terrified to leave your side. I'm afraid that if you're out of my sight, that you'll run off and you'll find a way to die. I know you said you don't want to. I know you said that you won't. I know that you promised me that you won't be the one that ends your life, but how can you promise that when you flew off the rails and left on a whim? You didn't let thought or rationality take over, you let your emotions take over and they won. They had you sitting on that rock about to jump off. What am I supposed to do without you? I know that's the most selfish thing I could possibly ask, I know, but it's a genuine question. What the hell did you want me to do without you? Did you think about that? Or were you too caught up in everything else?" I held his hands.
Jack just stared at me for a minute. Maybe he was trying to process what I said. I'd said a lot without meaning to. So much for a conversation. Instead, I just chewed him out.
"I'm sorry....I meant for this to be slow and I just chewed you out and Jack, I'm so sorry." I sighed.