Sweet Secrets

Chapter 4

When we'd finished, we ordered food and Jack went to get it. I wasn't going down there looking the way I did. My makeup and clothes stayed in this room, and this room only.
He brought the chinese food we ordered back up and we sat on my bed and ate, talking about work mostly, how our coworkers were, and I told him that tomorrow I'd be helping Jess's son Gavin.
"Hey Jack, since we're here," I said as I took my makeup and clothes off, putting on a black long sleeved thermal shirt and red and plaid pajama pants and he put the food trash back in the bag it came in, "Let's just hang out and talk for a while longer. We're gonna do it at lunch tomorrow anyway, so why not? I mean we already learned a lot about each other today." I shrugged, sitting down on the bed with him, propped up on the pillows.
He smiled at me, "What do you want to know?"
I sighed, "Truthfully, I don't know. I don't know what to ask." 
"We could do 20 questions?"
"Sure. You go first."
Jack thought for a moment, "Okay...What's your favorite color?" 1.
I looked around my room, "Is my twelve year old styled room not a good enough answer for you? It's lavender, but I really like dark green and maroon. Yours?"
"I like purple and red."  
I smiled, "Okay. When did you lose your virginity?" 2.
"15. You?"
"Same."
Jack's turn, "What's your favorite band?" 3.
I thought about that one, "God you're really going to make me pick just one? They change a lot. Green Day and Jimmy Eat World, and then the standard Blink answer, but I gotta say, I love Transit a lot. They're one of my all time favorites. Cartel too. What about you?"
Jack smiled, "The same as you, except I am absolutely obsessed with Jack's Mannequin. All I want to do in life is just meet Andrew McMahon." He sounded so happy. Jack's Mannequin must be really important to him. I'd have to remember that. 

My turn. I thought of a question to ask.
"Hm. What's your best memory?" 4.
Jack thought back and frowned a little, "Pass?" He asked, looking down at his fingers.
I felt bad. Should I not have asked that?
"Yeah, no worries. Okay. Uh...What's your favorite game?" 4 again.
He smiled a little, but I could still feel the anxiety rolling off of him. I fucked up. Just like always.
"Board game is Monopoly, card game is Uno or Cards Against Humanity, video game currently is just Call of Duty, and sports is football. Yours?"
I smiled back at him, trying to make it calm and casual again, "Board game is also Monopoly, card game is Cards Against Humanity, video game is a tie between Assassin's Creed and Red Dead Redemption, and sports is football and baseball."
Jack didn't ask another question. Maybe he hadn't even heard my answer.
"Hey...Are you okay?" I asked, putting my hand on his.
He pulled his hand away, not aggressively, but like he didn't want to be touched. I respected that.
He shook his head, "No...Not really." He finally answered.
"Was it because I asked that question?" My voice was quiet. I felt so, so awful.
He nodded.
"Jack, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I wouldn't have asked if I knew it would make you upset." I frowned a little, watching the heartbroken expression on his face.
"No..." He looked at me, "It's not you Alex. It's just, I don't know." He looked back down again.
"I'm really sorry...I know you said it's not me, but I'm the one who asked." I sighed a little.

Jack looked at me again, "I just..." He was struggling to find words, "My best memory was with my mom. I just miss her so much..." He teared up, "I was like, 10...My dad was being such an asshole, he hit her in front of my sister, brother and I...My brother was holding my ears closed and trying to cover my eyes, but I could still hear and see a little...My sister was hiding her face in my shoulder....He told us to shut up, and he told my mom she was a bitch for cheating on him, which she didn't do, but he was convinced that she did because he was in prison again and when he got home, she was happy. He took that as her being with someone else, because whenever he was around, she wasn't happy..." It seemed like he subconsciously put his head on my chest, so I put my arm around him, he didn't pull away, he just kept talking, "So anyway...When he went god knows where, probably to get high or do whatever he did when he wasn't around, like usual, she took me and my siblings to Ocean City, and we played on the beach and went on the rides...She acted like none of it affected her. I know it did though, and I knew back then...So I took the only money I had, which was like $5 for helping her with the dishes, and I bought us this big, huge banana split to share, and we just sat there eating it, our faces messy with the whipped cream and hot fudge, just laughing at how ridiculous we looked...We took pictures of us with our messy faces. It was the best day of my life...She was happy in that moment, even though she was hurting from where he hit her and the things he said...She was happy, and she and I went down to the beach again when my brother and sister were off doing whatever, and we sat there...She told me how much she loves me, and to never forget that, and that no matter where we go in life, she'll never let me go...." He was crying now, and it was like he didn't even notice. I just wanted to hold him forever. It's what I'd want. "Alex I just miss her so much." He was broken down in tears, shaking against me. He rolled to his side, his face against my shirt as he let it all out in choked out, wet sobs.

I held onto him a little tighter, "Jack...Shhh....You're safe, you're okay...She meant it, she's here with you. She didn't let you go, she's always with you in your heart....She sounds like such an amazing woman..." I had no idea what to say. My situation with my parents and brother was entirely different. One day they were there, the next they were in caskets, and I was changed forever. I know the crippling depression and anxiety, the panic attacks and the mental instability that comes with trauma like that, but I'd never know the trauma that he went through. 
"I just hate him so much! I hate him! He ruined everything and I wish he was the one who was dead!" His hand clutched onto my shirt, his heavy tears soaking through the fabric.
"I know...I know Jack...Right now though, you're safe with me. I've got you. I'm holding you and I won't let go. Focus on that..." His breathing was starting to pick up. I knew this all too well, he was having a panic attack. I'm trying to calm him down before it gets worse. 
He tried to say more, but he choked on every word, clutching my shirt tighter, body tensing up.
I've known this boy for three days, and no matter what we were, or what we would be, I just knew that I wanted him in my life. I wanted to be the one who makes it all better.
"Breathe with me..." I took a deep breath, rubbing his back. 
He tried but choked again.
"Okay...Okay hey...Can you look at me?" 
He shook his head rapidly, his body shaking because he was so tense.
"Okay...Focus on what I'm doing then. Think about that." I took another deep breath. Let it out slow, and did it again. I kept the timing right, making sure that there were only fifteen seconds in between each and every breath, hoping he'd fall into the rhythm, and he did. 
His sobs quieted to near silent tears, but he wasn't sobbing so hard that he couldn't catch his breath anymore, at least.
I kept quiet now, letting him feel each and every emotion going through his body without any interruption. He needed to go through it to be able to stop. I rubbed his back.

Jack finally went quiet, and his hand still clutched my shirt though.
I couldn't see his face, but I did something that calmed me down. I sang.

"It started feeling like October