Sweet Secrets

Chapter 15

(AN: talk of suicide)

We did stay there on the floor all night.
Jack fell asleep but I didn't.
I snuck my phone out without letting him go or jostling him too much and texted Tiff.
I'd missed about a million messages from her asking if I was okay.

Alex: I'm okay. He had a pretty bad breakdown Tiff...I just sat on the floor letting him ride it out after he told me to go away, and he like, crawled over to me, grabbed my arm to put around him and like sat in between my legs just crying on me. I took care of him of course, we laid down on the floor and he had me sing to him. He was freaking out. I mean I saw the texts and to an extent I see his brother's point about the house but I think what Jack said was misconstrued and his brother just straight attacked him.

Tiff: A, thank god you're okay. B, Idk what was said about the house or anything but he needs to open up some more. Talk to him about it if he'll let you. Love you.

Alex: Love you too.

That's where the conversation ended, where I allowed myself to go to sleep. 

Jack was shaking in my arms, that's how I knew he'd woken up. It woke me up.
"Hey...." My voice was gentle, but cautious.
He hid his face in my chest.
"Just try to relax. Come here."
I rolled over onto my back so I could be a little more comfortable. I'd been on my side all night.
He curled himself against me more.
"We gotta talk love..."
He shook his head.
"Jack, baby we have to talk."
"About what?" He whispered, not moving an inch.
"About what happened...Can you tell me why your brother snapped like that?" I rubbed his back.
"He's mad at me...He's always mad at me...I'm the reason our dad flied off the rails even worse...My mom got pregnant with me...He wanted her to get an abortion...She wanted to get an abortion...She went to the clinic and all, but changed her mind last second. Then she resented it. He beat her while she was pregnant with me, and when I was born she had such bad postpartum depression that she sort of just did the bare minimum and pawned me off to Joe....He resents me even existing because of it....He thinks that since I was born, all I've been is a mistake, a disaster...Something that shouldn't have happened...Much like my dad, he tells me that I should've been aborted...Alex, when I used to piss him off, he'd hit me just like my dad does. He threw me down a flight of stairs once. I mean my mom did get better as I got older, I was like three when she started being the mom she'd been to Joe and May...but they hated me for that too. Because of me, she stopped being a good mom to them too." He sat up and rubbed his eyes, "When I told Joe about the house...I didn't mean I wouldn't help him sell it or rent it out or do my part to take care of it...I just meant that I didn't want to live there and whatever he chooses to do with it, I'll go along with it...I just want no part in it myself...I'll still pay what I have to...He didn't get that...So I'm the useless piece of shit I always have been and always will be. Every little thing he did to me...Hit me...Yell at me...Tell me how much of a fuck up I am...That's what hurts the most...To be told daily how much of a fuck up you are. All for existing." He shook his head, looking away from me.

I sat up, "Jack, you're not a useless piece of shit, I'm glad you exist. I'm sorry he misunderstood your messages...Maybe you should call him...I know he's not a good brother to you, but maybe you can at least clear that up..." I put my hand on his back.
Jack wordlessly got his phone out and called Joe.
"What the fuck do you want now, you little leech." Joe spat angrily.
Jack flinched a little, "I..I just wanted to clear up what I said last night....I didn't mean I wasn't going to do my part with the house....I just meant that I don't want anything to do with it pysically...I'll pay my part....I'll help with the money and doing whatever needs to be done....I just meant that I can't live there Joe, I can't. I don't want to decide what to do with it. Sell it. Live in it. Rent it. I don't care. Either way...I'll help...You didn't need to attack me like that..." His voice was quiet, timid. He was scared.

"You should've made that more clear, you fucking idiot. God damn it Jack. Honestly, I don't care what dad did to you. Quite frankly, I don't. All you've been to me since you were born is a fucking mistake. A mess that I had to constantly clean up while also taking care of May. When you were born Jack, I was ten fucking years old. Ten. May was two. Imagine that. A fucking ten year old raising two fucking babies because one parent was so fucking depressed all she could manage to do was eat, go to the bathroom and sleep, barely doing what she needed to do for you. All she did was feed you, and even then when you switched to bottles, she couldn't do that anymore. I did it all. To top it off, when she died, I still had to take care of your sorry ass. All you've been to me is the thing I wish never happened. You blame dad for ruining mom, but you did. He wasn't as bad until she refused to get rid of you. He wasn't as awful until you were born. He just beat the fuck out of mom and I and left. He was always gone. Then he got worse and worse and worse. He stuck around so he could beat us more. You ruined everything, so no Jack. I don't give a fuck what you want. I don't give a fuck where you are at this point, and the only reason I ever checked on you and wanted to see you in the first place when you got hurt is so that I could tell you my fucking self that I don't want you there anymore either. I'm glad you left. I wanted to tell you that you need to pay for your third of the bills for that house, and that you don't need to be around anymore. That's why I kept pushing to see you. Do you want to know why May doesn't come around and talk to you?" Joe's voice was pure venom.