Something In Between: Sequel to On The Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 15

The next few hours ticked by slowly, with constant temptations from Billy. He was right. I loved him. I knew he would give up touring for me, and for that, I knew we would fail. When we were together, I felt what he did. It was a pressure, a need to be nearer and nearer to him. But when we were apart, that pull released, and the fog cleared to the realities of my life. Billy was also right that I thought of the future with him, but we were permanently suspended in the same starts and stops. It wasn't a sustainable relationship.

My head was heavy on my last morning in Duluth, as though I were hungover from the bliss of the previous night's festivities. I slowly started in the shower before shaking off the funk. Prolonging the inevitable didn't make it any less absolute. Still, seeing him from behind as I entered the kitchen made me question my resolve. His throaty laugh echoed around the room; his shoulders rounded as he slumped casually over his coffee.

"Good morning, sunshine," Mary welcomed. "I made waffles, and Billy didn't help at all," she teased.

"No thanks; we should probably head to the airport soon." I couldn't mask my mournful tone.

Mary slightly stiffened in acknowledgment, but Billy didn't seem to notice.

He popped a blueberry in his mouth as he reached an arm for my waist, pulling me the last pace to his side. "What are you talking about, Lil? Your flight doesn't leave for a couple of hours."

"Yeah, I know. I was hoping we could take the long way there."

Billy caught my tone. "Mmhmm," he murmured as he slid off his stool. "I'll get your bag."

Once Billy was out of the room, Mary began. "Have you ever noticed when Billy is uncomfortable, he scratches the back of his head?"

"Yeah," I murmured.

"And when he's really nervous, he scratches the back of his head and his stomach at the same time. It always reminds me of that coordination trick. Tap your head and rub your belly. Billy was always good at that. Coordination is one of his strong suits. Giving up on the things he loves is not."

"I'm not giving up on him. I'll hold him back. He even admitted that he decides things with me in mind." I wasn't explaining it to Mary; I was convincing myself again. "I'll miss you," I added.

"Why will you miss me? Are we breaking up as well?" She gave me a wink.

"I just assumed..."

"No one knows what the future holds. I'm sure we'll be in touch." She came around the island and wrapped me in a warm hug.

"Thank you, Mary."

"Be gentle," she added as we pulled away.

"Ready?" Billy spoke from the doorway; my bag slung over his shoulder.

"Yeah," I weakly smile.

We rode in silence for a few minutes until Billy pulled off into an overlook of the lake. I watched as he pulled himself out of the car. He didn't pause at the end of the vehicle or pace to my door to extend me a hand this time. He walked straight to a giant rock and slumped down. I quietly approached and slid to his side.

"Remember when we first met?" He asked in a buzzing voice. It was his natural tone, higher pitched than the one most would recognize. There was no strength or confidence or a mask of bravado. It was uneven, like life, like us.

"Yeah, of course."

"I think about it a lot," he continued. "I must've known something then, but didn't acknowledge it."

"Why is that?"

"I called you a heartbreaker." He let out a small, breathy laugh and then sighed. "What have you come up with this time?"

I inspected his profile as his eyes stayed trained on the lake. "I don't need a reason, Billy." It was a cruel way to start, but the entire conversation would be harsh. The whole situation was punishing. "We need time," I continued.

He turned to me with a hopeful intake of air. "I can give you time. I have weeks." His eyes flickered with faith.

"No, Billy, not time for us; time apart."

"What are you talking about? The problem is the time apart." The confidence drained from him.

"We can't be friends right now, not with what we currently feel."

"We feel, Lil, we feel. Why would we want to be friends? Why would we want to stop feeling this?"

"Billy, we've been over this so much. Aren't you tired?"

"I'm exhausted," he admitted. His hand lifted to course through his hair, lingering on the back of his head, just as Mary predicted. "How long?"

"I don't know. I don't think there is an exact science to this." A sudden surge of fear filled me. What would life be like without Billy Collins in it?

"I don't know if I can do it," Billy's eyes trained on the ground.

I pulled my eyes from his face. I didn't want to see it; see the hurt. "You'll be busy, you probably..."

"Don't, Lil. Don't you dare say I won't notice." He snapped his face to mine. "I love you." It was a last plea.

"I know," was all I could muster. "And I know you'd give up touring for me. But if you did, if I let you, I'd be the girl that took that away from you. And I can't live with the idea of you resenting me, Billy. I can't hold you back. That would truly break us; break you. I won't break you."

We rode in silence to the airport. Billy pulled to the curb and quickly paced to the back to remove my bag from the trunk. I didn't need the help; it wasn't heavy, but that was Billy. I took it from him with only the slightest brush of his hand against mine. It sent a hollow surge through my core. I diverted my eyes so he couldn't see the ripple of pain. When I raised them to him again, he had one hand tucked into his hair and the other scratching his stomach. It soothed something in me. He had Mary. He had Tim. He'd be fine.

"So, if I call..." he let his words drop out amidst the bustle of the airport sidewalk.

"I won't, not for a while."

"What if I need you?" He pressed.

"Billy, I'll always be there if you need me, but please respect the time I need. We need." I knew he would. I knew he loved me enough to give me whatever I asked.

"I don't agree with this. For the record, I don't want this."

"See, I'm terrible and selfish. You shouldn't love me," I offered.

"You can't tell me not to love you. You don't have to love me, but you can't tell me not to love you. No matter where you are, what you're doing, or who you're with, you can't stop me from loving you. I won't interrupt you, and I won't disrespect you with some delusion that no one else will fall in love with you. They will, and you may fall in love with them. I may fall in love with someone else. But I'll always unapologetically, sincerely, and entirely love you until the day I die. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay not being the guy that gets you as long as I still get to love you. You can't take that from me, Lil."

I stared at him for a long moment, unsure what to say. "Billy..." I began, but he made it easy for me, as he always did.

"Come on; you don't want to miss your flight."