Something In Between: Sequel to On The Edge of Tomorrow

Chapter 11

Nothing reveals the truth, like the flicker of a movie screen. A couple in front of us curled into each other, exchanging whispers, giggles, and kisses. I was envious of their ease. I glanced over at Billy, sitting as rigid as I was on the other side of me. He met my gaze and gave me a pinched smile that was more of an admission than a consolation. Then, as though he knew I needed the lifeline, he flopped his arm down on the armrest and flexed his fingers. I slid my hand into his and wrapped nearly my entire body around it.

"Hey," he whispered as he leaned in closer to me, so our heads were nearly resting on each other.

"Hey," I whispered back before we both let out enormous sighs.

This had been our day. The want and desire were there, but everything else exhausted us. Billy's optimism that I had found a path for our life dwindled at my reluctance and simple math. We had determined that he had been home thirty-nine days in the past year, slightly over ten percent of the time. The logic sunk into him like a poisonous venom. We both wanted more than ten percent.

"I could be a songwriter. I don't need to be the guy on stage," he murmured.

"That's not fair to your songs. They're meant for you," I shot back in a hushed tone.

My words thwarted whatever Billy had planned to say next as his mouth snapped shut. Instead, he kissed the crown of my head. "I love you more than I can express. I wish you know what this feels like."

I snapped away from him. "You don't think this is killing me?" I hissed. "I don't get to be optimistic. I don't get to hope and dream. I have to be logical or else..."

"Or else what, Lil?" Billy pushed.

"Or else I get forgotten in the shadows. You get everything you want, and I get ten percent."

The movie continued to flicker between us, fully displaying my glaze of unshed tears.

"I'm trying, Lil. I'm trying to give you more, but you won't let me give up anything."

I couldn't take it. I pulled myself from the seat and bolted for the door. The stale air of the theater was quickly replaced by the permeating smell of over-salted popcorn the minute I hit the lobby.

My words started as I turned, knowing he was right behind me.

"I don't want to be the girl that took something away from you." My voice was too loud for such a public place.

"You are taking something away from me." His volume matched mine, causing people to turn and look. Billy's hand was quickly on my back as he ushered me from the theater to the warm summer air. "Every time you say no to me, you're taking my entire future away from me. I don't know how else to say it. You're the girl."

"Billy, there is no such thing as the girl or the guy; that's just romantic propaganda." I turned away from him, shaking my head.

"That's how I know I love you. I believe in you, Lil. I believe you'll be amazing. It doesn't matter if I'm beside you or not. I know you don't need me, but I'm also confident I won't overshadow you. That's how much I love you." He raised his voice to reach me as I paced away from him. "That's how I know I love you more."

I stopped dead in my tracks and swiveled to face him as anger consumed me. "That's the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said."

"Really? I believe in you is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said? That's the top of the pile? You realize Hitler wasn't a mute, right?"

"Yeah, I know he wasn't a mute. And I still say, fuck you. I'm not the bad guy here. I'm not just callously hurting you."

"Well, you sure as hell aren't trying a whole hell of a lot." Billy threw his hands in the air as he spoke.

"You chose this life, Billy. You chased this dream knowing that you might have to give up privacy and quiet. You made that decision for your entire life, your whole family. Your wife will be chosen by the rockstar; your kids will be the children of the rockstar. That's your life now; that's what comes with your your success."

"So, what? I'm the bad guy? I'm selfish? I have said that I'd give it up. I just fucking said I could be a songwriter. A ten percent life is not something I want either, Lil."

"Billy, I get that. You'll kill yourself if you try to be everything to everyone. I won't be a part of that. I won't let you rip yourself apart because you can't admit it's not right. We're not right."

"I won't admit it, Lil. What we have... people don't just have this."

"How do you know? How do you know that this isn't entirely toxic? Shouldn't love be easy? Shouldn't it be like breathing?"

"Nothing worthwhile is easy. I just wished you would believe in me the way I believe in you." His shoulders rounded as he spoke, causing his stature to shrink by nearly two inches.

"Billy, I believe in you. I just..."

"Don't believe in us," he concluded.

"I can't believe in us."

"Why not?" He rested his hands on his car and kicked the tire.

"Because I don't believe in me; not yet," I admitted.

Billy shot up and paced to me. "What do you mean?"

"I have nothing to believe in yet. I don't have my way."

"I believe in you. Whatever you want to do, you'll nail it."

I let out a single laugh at his unfailing optimism. "How can you believe in something that doesn't exist?"

"You exist. You keep forgetting that you exist right now. So, what if you don't know what career you want to pursue? You, the girl in front of me, have already changed the world." He set his hands on my shoulders as he spoke.

"I haven't done anything." I lamented. "How can you have so much confidence in me when I have done absolutely nothing, right now in this existence?"

"You've changed me. You've changed my world and Tim's, and my mom's, and your dad's. Every day, you make my world better."

"But I have done nothing." I groaned.

Billy pulled me into his chest and rested his head on my head. I could hear his heart beating inches away.

"Lil, your voice has saved me so many times to count. Your words have inspired me over and over again. Those late-night calls..."

"What?" My arms circled him, clutching his shirt.

"Lil, I had been touring with shitty bands for half a decade, and every one of those tours led me straight back to Duluth with barely more than enough money to buy a Coke. That all changed when I met you."

"But I didn't do anything." I lifted my face so my chin rested on his chest.

"Didn't do anything?" He laughed. "You took my calls. You were a therapist and a cheerleader. You... I don't know... maybe I've been wrong this whole time, but it sure as hell felt like you loved me in the moments where it felt like..."

"Billy..." Panic was soaring through me.

"The road is lonely, even with Tim around. It's hard to feel like anyone cares when you never stick around. I know I'm always leaving you, Lil. It kills me, but you take my calls, which feels like something permanent."

"Billy, I want to give you permanent. That's exactly why..."

"Don't say it, Lil. Just give me a little more time. Please."

"I just need to have the confidence in myself that I have in you; that you have in me," I admitted.

"It'll come, Lil; just give it time." Billy's hand smoothed over my hair as I sunk back into his chest.