Impressions

chapter twenty: toxic

johnnys pov:
i was in sociology class and the teacher randomly goes around and ask us questions.
sometimes about our pets sometimes they're personal questions, just whatever explains the lesson best.
it was my turn like usual, i was in the middle because of my o last name.
p: okay johnny what defines family for you?
j: uhm i don't think you have to be blood related to consider someone family. like the statement blood is thicker than water i feel like it depends on the circumstances.
p: who in your life that does validate?
j: my soccer team and a friend i have.
p: okay so for the friend, is this someone you're physically attracted to?
j: uhm yeah.
p: is this a significant other?
j: not necessarily.
p: so what made you believe they were family?
j: someone who loves you and introduces you to who they actually are as a person.
p: this sounds personal.
j: i guess it is.
p: my point exactly family comes in many different shapes, sizes, and races. like johnny said the entire soccer team is his family, do they all look alike no. do they have the same relatives no, but they made him feel safe enough to consider them family. family defines you as a person, even if it demands sacrifice, sometimes they have a habit you can't stand or a person around them that doesn't like you. but you tolerate it because you love them. sometimes it's powerful and sometimes it's toxic.
after class i kept thinking about that.
am i toxic for annie i don't really know.
her mom doesn't like me so i don't want to cause a strain in their family.
she walked over to my locker looking confused.
a: where were you?
j: i just came straight here.
a: oh okay, i'll just meet you here from now on?
j: no no i'll pick you up from class.
a: whatever you decide, i'm a capable of walking.
she says laughing.
j: could i ask you something?
a: of course.
j: do you think i'm a toxic person.
a: no, why would you say that?
j: sociology we were talking about opening ourselves up to family, but also the toxicity that comes with that.
a: john, everyone is a little toxic, no ones pure we all have impulses and those impulses judge people before we know them, they-
j: like you and me?
a: exactly like you and me, my point is as a human we desire to make ourselves feel better whether that's being better than someone at something makes us feel better or having the most attention on us. it happens.
j: i feel like for you specifically i may be a bad influence, like with my drive for school. and your mom not liking me.
a: you don't want to be toxic for me?
j: no i don't.
a: when i turned you down the first time because you didn't take school seriously, and i felt like we were too different. and to prove yourself to me you started taking school serious and you said "i'll do better for you" growing for a person isn't toxic, it strength.
obviously she's a psych student.
j: i really don't know what i did to deserve you, you're my family.
a: and you're mine.
she says smiling at me.
j: speaking of family
i say changing the subject
j: annie i want to sit down and have dinner with you family.
a: yeah no.
j: jules.
a: no i'm not doing that again, i already said greetings and that's it.
j: just one more chance.
a: johnny, you want to talk about toxic my family is the definition of the word.
j: they're still your family and that is who you are.
a: they're who i never want to be.
j: but-
a: nothing good ever comes from getting close to my parents. you can have dinner with hayley and i.
j: annie please-
a: no don't ask again.
j: cmon jules!
a: i'm gonna go to class, so i'll see you later.
j: don't go, and don't be mad.
a: i have class and no i'm not mad, just frustrated because you don't understand. we already talked about it and you still continue to bring up nonsense.
j: i'm sorry i just want to be close with your family maybe everything will change.
a: it won't.
she says with a straight face.
j: well alright then.
a: i'm going to class.
i leaned in to kiss her.
and she started to walk to class.
j: wait, you're not gonna kiss me?
a: no, you pisses me off.