The Art of Chaos and Darkness

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Valda woke in her own bed. 

She laid on her back for a few minutes, staring upwards in the faint light of the torches flickering from the balcony and in the sitting room.  She took inventory of her body, side was slightly sore and stinging.  She could feel the bruises with each inhale.  She pressed her fingers lightly against the wound, feeling the sealed skin.  She gripped the sheets and slowly sat up. 

Valda's vision blurred at the edges.  She glimpsed Din rising from a couch in the sitting room, his Beskar faintly glowing in the moonlight.  He ascended the few steps into the bedroom and was instantly by her side.  "How do you feel?"  His voice was low.

"I'm fine."  She pushed her fingers into her temples, massing the skin.

"That's also what you said before nearly bleeding out.  Are you sure?"

"Fine." Her tone came out sharper than expected and she winced.  "Sorry.  I'm fine, Din." 

But she most certainly was not fine.  Bits of their conversation floated back to her.  She looked down at her hands as if expecting to still see the blood coating them.  Screams echoed in her mind, begging for mercy, for aid.  The breath was snatched from her chest.  Murderer. 

"Breathe, breathe."  Fabric rustled as Din knelt on the ground in front of her.  He placed a gentle hand on her knee.  "Breathe, Valda."

It was an effort, remaining in the moment, keeping out the horrific screams in her mind and closing the bond from Din.  But he couldn't feel this.  Couldn't see this- not what she had done.  What she was capable of.

"Let go," Din whispered, like he could read her thoughts.  "You have to let go, Valda."  He squeezed her leg.  "You can't bury this- let me help you."

Valda's hands trembled.  "No."  She shook her head.  "This is my burden to bear.  I did this." 

"No, Valda, you don't have to carry this weight alone.  You had no choice."

"I had a choice- I could have said no- I could have-"

"Look at me- he would have killed you, Valda.  You had no choice but to obey."

Valda stared at her faint reflection in his helmet.  "I guess we're both slaves to our own creeds, aren't we?"  She whispered hoarsely.  "In our own way."

Din was quiet for a few heartbeats.  And then, with trembling hands, he reached for hers, gripping them in his own.  Warmth travel through her body as Din slowly placed her hands on the edges of his helmet, wrapping her fingers around the edges. 

Valda's eyes widened.  "Din-I- you can't-"

"Please," he whispered, his voice raw.  "For the people I care about... the people I love, I am willing to make sacrifices."

Valda's heart thundered in her chest.  "I'll see your face," she managed finally.  "You'll break your creed."

His hands tightened around hers.  "I'm willing.  I want you to see me.  I want you to know you don't have to go through this alone.  I'm here."

Valda's vision blurred with tears but she swallowed and nodded her head slowly.  She wasn't sure either of them were breathing as she gently lifted the Din's helmet from his head.  For the first time she looked into his eyes.  A tear slipped down Valda's cheek.  

Din reached out with a shaking hand to brush it from her face.  "Wow, that bad, huh?"  He gave her a shaky smile but his voice trembled.

Despite herself, a cracked laugh escaped Valda.  "No- no."  She trailed off, taking in his face, the faint shadow of stubble around his chin and messy hair.  "I always figured your eyes were brown," she said finally.

Din threaded his fingers through hers, the light catching in the lines of his face, the tanned skin cast in an orangish glow.  He let out a low chuckle, the sound different without the voice modulator of his helmet.  His eyes met hers and a faint sense of warmth jolted through her.  "I'm with you, Valda.  This isn't your burden to bear alone.  Let me in- let me help you." 

She searched his face.  "I don't want you to feel this.  I don't want you to see this."  

"Valda, you cannot bury this.  This burden you carry, the guilt you try to hide- it's killing you.  It will kill you."  He swept his thumb across the back of her hand.  "Let me help.  Show me."  

She took in a deep breath, the tears rising in her eyes again.  "I'm sorry," she whispered, voice cracking and then she let Din inside her mind.  He saw her receive the orders to kill Darth Talon and Fayal's household.  He saw her storm the gates to their estate, alone and cloaked only in her black robes.  He saw the guards die as she choked the life from them.  He saw the servants welcome her into the household, only to watch terror grow in their eyes as her twin lightsabers were the last things they saw.  

He saw the blood that stained the walls and floor as she used her the ancient executioner knife as instructed by Darth Krayt.  He heard the screams of pain, of horror and fear that echoed off the walls.  He felt her anguish, her regret, her guilt and above it all the rage that filled her.

Valda pulled back from Din, chest heaving.  She covered her hand with her mouth, a silent scream of an emotion she couldn't identify.  "I killed them all- I-I" Her voice broke.  "Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods-"

Din leaned forward.  "Hey, hey- easy, Valda, easy."  He wrapped his hands around her wrists.

Her shoulders bowed inward, head dipping down.  "They're all dead, every last one."  She squeezed her eyes shut. 

Din pressed his forehead gently against hers.  "You had no choice, Valda.  You were given no choice."

"There's always a choice."  She told him against, voice hoarse.  "I made the wrong one." 

Din pulled her against him then, feeling her body against his.  And he said nothing else, just held her.  Valda closed her eyes and she leaned against him, inhaling the smell of him, his armor.  

"You're going to be okay," he whispered finally.  "You'll be okay."