Living with Pain

Chapter 23: I Can't Let It Go

Sky

    I sit on the bleachers next to Mayson, enjoying the performance the ballroom dance team is putting on. They follow a routine done by the cheerleaders. I'm usually not into pep rallies, but today it's a nice change of pace from normal class.

    As the last dance routine comes to an end, a wave of nostalgia washes over me. That used to be me, out there on the floor. Moving without pain and tension. Competing. Hanging out with friends who felt like family.

    I make a vague excuse to Mayson and slip out the gym door. I walk through the empty hallways. Without a plan, my feet take me to the recreation hallway. I walk into the dance room. The scent of the recently cleaned floors sparks memories of my old dance studio.

    I don't know why I came here. I must be thinking about my pre-fibro life too much. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes as memories of a past life hit me. When I open my eyes, I see myself in the mirrors. I look so small in the empty room.

I notice a quote above the mirrors that I haven't noticed before. "Never give up on your dreams."

But I have. I have given up. I am never going to be the dancer, the person, I was before. Tears sting my eyes. This room, the smells, the mirrors, it was all too much.

I rush out of the room. School is scheduled to end soon, so I leave the building, deciding a walk home would do me good. I shove on my earbuds and blast my music. As soon as I'm in the fresh air, headed home, the panic hits me again.

I pick up my pace until I'm running. Running from memories. Running from pain. Running from grief.

As soon as I'm home, I open the garage door. Nobody is home to bother me, besides Romeo. I take just a minute to throw my bag inside, change, and let Romeo out. Then I go back to the garage and plug my phone in, turning the music up loud enough to overpower all the thoughts that are threatening to drown me.

I want to let it go. I want to let it all go, everything from my past. But I can't outrun myself. I can't let it go.

So, I dance.

--

Cash

    I had hoped to see Sky after the performance, but Mayson said she had already left. Instead of texting her and letting her blow me off, I decide to go to her house to see if she's home. My truck is parked in the back parking lot, so I opt to walk to Sky's house. It's not that far from school.

As I near Sky's house, I'm surprised to hear music pouring out of the garage. I walk up the driveway and am even more surprised to see the garage door open, revealing a padded floor and mirrors along the wall.

My breath catches in my chest as I see Sky in a tank top and leggings, dancing. Her hair whips around as she twirls, twists, and leaps. The body control she displays is amazing. She moves to the music like it's flowing through her veins. It's mesmerizing.

I creep closer, not wanting to interrupt the beautiful display. I stand in the doorway, at the edge of the mats. Sky still doesn't notice me, but Romeo does. He moves from his bed in the corner by the sound system and plods over to say hi. That's when Sky turns and freezes.

We lock eyes. Her chest rises and falls with heavy breaths. She hesitates, like she is about to turn and run. I take a step towards her as if that movement can keep her here. Can keep her in this carefree state I just witnessed.

"I thought you didn't dance."

My words spur her into action. She turns around and unplugs her phone, plunging the garage into an eerie silence. "I don't."

"I don't believe that. I just saw some hella good dancing."

She looks over her shoulder at me. "I don't anymore."

"Why not?" I walk further into the garage as she moves to grab a towel and wipe off her sweaty face.

She shrugs at my question. "Since you're here, wanna come in and hang out?"

I don't like how she is evading my question, but I don't want to push her. "Sure."

She leads me inside and to the kitchen. "Water?" She asks, pulling out two glasses. I nod.

Sky hands me a cup and then jumps on the corner counter with hers. I sit on the barstool, trying to get her to meet my eyes.

"Why didn't you tell me you danced? I saw a bunch of medals and trophies in the garage. Are those yours?"

"It's a long story, and yes."

"We got time." I try to be patient as I wait for an answer.

She sighs and jumps off the counter. "Let's go sit on the back porch and talk." She grabs a jacket to fend off the slight chill in the fall air. I sit next to her on the porch swing, admiring the multi-colored trees.

I try to be patient, but her silence is killing me.