The Secrets of Jane

Chapter 2

Pain, I'm use to it. Everyday. Every time I see my father, it brings back the misery that my mother started.

Pain is taking all over my body. Mga mata’y kay hirap ibuka. Kay sakit ng dinadama, aking ulo’y parang binibiyak. Ako’y napasabunot na sa sariling buhok, this is not normal. Never did this happened in the past. Aking  katawan ay yakap-yakap, hindi ko na dama ang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Ni  walang taong masasandalan. Bakit ganito? Bakit parang ako’y pinapatay sa sakit.

I tried to stand but I failed.

I wanted to shout but no voice came out from my mouth.

All I ever wanted is have a peaceful life. No more sadness. No more blame.  No more hatred. But it seems like the world is turning its back on me.

Why pick me? I’m just a child. Ang bata ko pa para maranasan ito. I have no one by my side.

Pain. I am already in pain since my mother left us but this is new. I don’t know what to do.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin para mawala ang sakit na aking dinaramdam. Hindi ko kaya ang ganitong situation. Walang taong totolong. Walang karamay.

My life is nothing but sorrow.

Is this really my faith? Should I really be in this situation?

Crying is the only way I could let out this pain.

There is no point of calling for help cause I know no one will hear me out. No one would help me. I am the only one who can help my self.

Kahit masakit pinatatag ko ang aking kaluuban upang matulungan ang aking sarili. I push myself to stand up. It feels like the whole world is spinning.  My head is hurting but I manage to stand up. My vision is blurry but this won’t stop me to fight this situation. Gimigiwang man sa paglalakad, pinatibay ko ang aking sarili na hindi magpapaapikto sa dinaramdam.

I feel like I’m a walking dead. Nakapaglalakad nga ngunit walang buhay sa harapan ng ama, sa harapan ng ibang tao.

Wala na akong pakialam saan man ako mapunta pero sana may sasalo sakin pag hindi ko na kaya.

I keep walking and walking until I reach the door that I haven’t seen before. As I hold the doorknob, it sends coldness all over my body. But I open it anyway. Wala na akong pakialam kung mapano man ako sa aking ginagawa.

Have you been reading magical books lately? Or watching enchanted movies ? Will it’s how fascinating  the view in front of me right now. I never knew that this place exist. Seeing lots of books displayed in this room makes me smile. Despite the horrible scenario I’ve been through, this place gives me  hope.

They say books will lead you to escape from reality. And this place provides me that.

At the moment I forgot how I felt. The pain, the sorrow, the loneliness, this place supplies me good happening. Right there, I knew my life will never be the same. This will change me. This will help me to fight.

Every step that I make, every angle that I look, is like I’m in the cloud floating. I can’t help myself putting my hands on the dusty books. My eyes is searching for something to read. My headaches stops, the pain vanish so fast. I wish I found this place earlier for that my sadness timeline will skip. I wish it always like this that I don’t feel sadness no more.

As I look at every book that I have been pass in, I feel something – happy , sad, guilt, and lots of more – emotions that living can feel. I’ve seen a not so thin and not so thick  book. I got curious so I draw it out. It is dusty but I don’t mind. It was more like a dairy than a book. I look around to find someplace to stay and relax but nothing no chair, no table , so I sat down not minding the dirty floor.

“Live your life as much as you wanted to be.”  Is what written in the cover page of the book. I run my finger on it. It sends me a message that I needed on that time. More like telling me to read was is inside.

I flip the cover page and I see a hand written marks. It was a wonderful hand writing. Every strokes you can till that it was being care about, feel about.

I have no one. My father don’t care about me. I rather stay here and read. It wasn’t wrong for me to pass the time with this. There's no wrong to what would I do. So I read it.

Have you been in the situation where you want to do good but no one appreciate you? Will that’s how my life goes as I grew up. I came from a broken family, we live in the same roof but so much in mess. Even my father brings his mistress in our house. I can’t label it as a home because never our house become a home. I have lots of siblings but not all are hundred percent of blood, I can’t even identify who’s who among of all of them is  whole same blood as mine. I am the fourth and the first girl born. What do you expect if you are a first girl, of course you all have the works. All the cleaning and sweeping. The cooking and the all the works you can’t even imagine. It’s all on me, never did happened that my elder brothers would help me, they are just like my parents, who’s bossing me around. My mother is always drinking so no hope that she would help me. How I wish no one will never be like me, I hate the feeling being like this. Me is already enough, I hope no one will follow. I don’t even have time to have fun. I am far away from my batches at school. Someday maybe I will find courage to do what I like.

Every words that was written, I felt it. Her aches. I felt a liquid dripping down my cheeks, it was tears, tears that not everyone can stop it to fall. It gives me heart ache just reading was has been written.  Will I guess I’m not the only one.

I heard a loud noise from the  outside. I run to the door and leave the book on the floor, the door was not close so I am freely can get out of that room. I run and run following the noise where it came from,  and right there in the  kitchen I saw my father breaking what his hand can hold. He is drunk again. Right there I wanted to help him even he is still awake, I am scared but I won’t let fair win this time. I want him to feel that he has me, his daughter, who loves him despite what he have done.