The Secrets of Jane

Chapter 6

I want to die, but how?

I want to fight but I'm tired.

I want to end this miserable life.

I want to rest, but how?

I want to kill but I'm exhausted

I want to destroy myself so bad.

Things that I want to do with myself but faith is really making me insane. Here and there, there would be another happening that will prevent me from harming myself. I keep asking myself, why would the heavenly father always gave me purpose to continue? It's not that I'm good or bad but things always goes another way, not following my plans.

Nandito ako ngayon sa silid aklatan ng aming paaralan. Nagtatago sa mga mapanghusgang tao na pakalatkalat lang. Minsan naiisip ko ring magpakamatay nalang. Sa bahay, sa daan, sa paaralan,palaging may mga bunganga na bumukha upang manlait sa kapwa tao.

Kahit saan man ako mapunta, ang mga kilos at gawa pa rin ng aking mga magulang ang nag layo ng mga tao sakin. Mga hatol na hindi patas. Masakit man pero kailangan kong tanggapin. Gusto kolang mabuhay ng mapayapa ngunit ipanagkait ito sa akin at sa aming pamilya.

Ang lugar na tulad nito ako nakakahinga. Gusto ko lang mabuhay ng mapayapa pero alam ko rin sa sarili ko na malabo itong mang yari.

Kahit na siguro ako pa ang mangunguna sa listahan patungkol sa akademya, hindi pa rin titigil ang mga tao sa panlalait at panghuhusga.

Kahit anong pilit kong basahin ang mga posibling leksyon mamaya, ngunit  ang pangyayari na naganap kagabi parin ang lumutulang sa aking isipan.

Kick*
Punch*
Slap*

"You women will do as I say. You are just my playtoy that should follow whatever I say."

"No please stop, this must be a misunderstanding. I am her for my mother. I am not one of the workers in her." nanginginig ang aking buong katawan sa takot baka ako pa ay mapatay ng instek na ito.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaninina may nararamdaman akong kakaiba at ngayon naging malinaw na ang lahat.

Akala ko nasa mabuting kalagayan ang aking ina. Akala ko nagtatrabaho siya ng maayos. Pero bakit ganito ang aking nadatnan? Maraming mga batang babae na siyang sinasaktan ng mga tao at minamaltrato. Nandito ako dahil gusto kung makausap ang aking ina para payagan niya ako sa field trip na gagawin sa skwelahan. Minsan kasi, lalo na't hindi pa niya nakikita ang aming bahay o hindi niya naalala kung gaano ka gulo ang aming buhay, ay maaari ko siyang makausap ng maayos na walang poot at galit na nabubuhay katilad sa aming bahay.

"You're beautiful young lady, if you just stay still and do me the honor, maybe you will not be beaten up."

"Please sir, I'm not what you think I am."

"Oh come on," sabi noong isang lalaki na kasama ng instek, mukhang bata pa ito ngunit napakakisig na nito. "Just let her be if she doesn't want to play, let's just find someone that's easy to go with."

"But I like her."

"There are many of girl here that's not fighting against us, so let her be."

Dinuruan siya ng instek bago ito naglakad papalayo sa kanya. Still she can hear those footsteps. Those shinny shoes that's making a loud noise. Mukhang mayaman ang mga taong iyon pero mga walang hiya. Habang naglakad ito palayo sa kanya rinig parin niya ang ingay na nang gagaling sa sapatos ng taong sinaktan siya. She's trembling in fear, instead of hearing those noises away but she hear the opposite it's getting closer to her. She can see in here visual that the man is coming back for her. She is shaking in panick. With that man get close to her and trying to hold her but she is quick to pick up something and slammed the man to his head.

"Aaaray."

Jane woke up from her illusion.
She thought that it was the man again but it was just in her memories that's trying to surpass and corrupt her mind.

"Ano ba ang problema mo? Nakita kitang nanginginig kaya nilapitan kita baka ano pa ang gagawin mo."

"I'm sorry" was all she could say. Jane hug her knees because of so much fear. Even though it was all in her head but still it happened.

She is shakin', the young man saw that. He can tell that this young lady have been into something that makes her trembled.  He can tell by her actions and the way she moves.

He pity her. He knows how it feels to be in cage of fear. As much as he wanted to console her but he can't, this young lady don't know him.

He knows if he touches her again, she would react and rejects him. So he decided to be with her without touching her, just be by her side until she can calm down. He sat opposite to the young lady, waiting for her to compose herself back.

But it was silent as minutes pass by. The young lady did not speak, she just keep hugging herself and he couldn't take it anymore. He knew if this continue, the fear of the young lady would just stay so he decided to speak.

"Hi."

No response.

"I am.. my name is Carlyle, I am... I don't think your okay so I'm just here am sitting here away from you but I don't like to leave you here in your state..."

"Just leave, you don't even know me."

"I think I know you."

"Just go away"

"I won't"

"What do you want?" Jane rise her head with a poker face just to see who's this guy eager not to leave her. Ironically, she don't know the guy. She knew if the guy in front of her is one of her classmates, for sure he might have been already bullying her not consoling her.

"Look Mr. Who Ever You Are.. "

"It's Carlyle"

"Whatever," she said I'm sarcastic way. She really hates being pitied and she knew it was happening at the moment.

"Look, I don't know who are and I'm sure you don't know me. So just leave me here and let me be whatever I am doing."

"I might if you are okay now"

"You know what, I'm fine," she stand up. Already pissed because of this guy in front of her. "See?"

"Naah, you don't look okay."

"Oh really? What is the bases of your 'you don't look okay'?" She even rise her hand qouting the line. How can this man stands her attitude? He even don't give up on her.

Carlyle stand up and point her hands on her from her head to the toes.

"Base on your looks, your okay. But base on your face naaah clearly not okay."

"Huh?" Jane way really confused to this guy. She acts as she is really fine but this guy in front of her don't really stop pestering her.

"You know my father is a psychiatrist"

'How can he say that in front of me?' Jane ask herself, she is not a psychopath, she's in the right mind.

"Jerk" Jane pick up her things and walk away from that guy who's pestering her none stop.

"Hey wait up," Carlyle is clearly worried about Jane state.

But in Jane's view,  something in her that don't want to entertain Carlyle.  So she walks fast as she can, just to get away from Carlyle but I'm the other hand Carlyle is eager to know more about Jane.

"Hey," Carlyle is fast so he catch up on her, hold her elbow preventing her not to run away. "Am I sorry about what I have said. It's just that, I don't think you are fine. I'm worried about your state."

"I don't know you so stop pestering me."

"Jane please."

Jane was shok at the moment that even the things she was holding dropped in the floor. How could this guy know her? She hasn't even introduce herself to him.