~Troubled Soul~ (Jinson//Jackjin)

21. 💔

A sudden deafening noise interrupts my hours-long nap and I wake up really quickly, frightened, looking around me to see what might have caused it, just to realise it was my phone buzzing. Ugh.

I run my hands through my messy hair and slowly reach out to my phone. I'm feeling really fatigued and my limbs hurt even though I really do not know why, I must have had some kind of nightmare. Yes, of course it's not because I've been walking all afternoon and my body has just been put under an enormous amount of stress, right. Nevermind.

My vision is still a little blurry so it does take me a few seconds to focus on what's written on the screen but as soon as I become able to read, I recognize a colorful picture next to the name of the person who sent me a text and I can literally feel my heart skipping a beat and getting shattered right after that as soon as I see that the content of the notification is just a terribly heartbreaking *has deleted this message*.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Then I take another deep breath. And another. I feel my eyes and my nose burning, but I can honestly feel like my whole body is just so done with having me cry like a baby so it won't even make an effort to actually give those tears to stream down my cheek. I open my eyes after a few seconds and another deep breath I swipe to delete the notification trying my best not to give it too much importance. But obviously... I fail and in not even three seconds I find myself typing the word "Hey" and hesitating on the "send" button with my heart beating so hard I can almost feel its beats echoing in the room. Nah Jinyoung-ah come on, you cannot do this, how do you think you would be able to start AND continue a conversation? You're not brave enough to handle something like this, you have never been and I am almost sure I never will.
I quickly delete it and put my phone down, sighing. I get up and decide to take a shower.

You know... I realised in this house there's way too much silence for my thoughts to not be so intrusive. I mean I can literally hear them echoing as they get louder and louder and it's probably driving me even more insane than I already am. I decide to play some music because AT LEAST under the shower I hope can get this weight off my shoulder for a split second, but as I play the shuffle button "Can We Kiss Forever" by Kina start playing. Like... Can you fucking not? I skip the song without thinking twice, but then "Get You The Moon" starts. Is this for real?? Come on... I skip this song as well and it takes me a couple seconds to realise the song that's playing right now is "Heather" by Conan Gray. I cannot believe this. You know what? I take my phone and select the first "Twice" playlist to pop up on my YouTube search page, smiling widely as "TT" starts playing and I kind of feel like I am in a different mood already.

I get in the shower and spend the following five minutes actually relaxing under the hot water falling over my body and the sweet notes of Twice's songs make my heart almost feel lighter for a bit and I'm not lying when I say this feels almost too good to be true. Who knew it would only take me a shower and some cute music for me to actually feel not so bad with myself? Shut up Jinyoung, this is the least-lasting temporary happiness you've ever experienced. And yet... Here I am... Lonely... A mess... But a slightly releaved one.

As I get out, I put on some clean clothes, comb my hair and dry it. Now what? I'm too tired to go out and too tired of staying in, what the fuck am I supposed to do with myself right now? Ugh I wish somebody could just take me and make every decision for me so that I would only have to do what they say without having to worry about what I should do next. Yeah, like... I want to pause my life but still be kind productive without having to make so many efforts... Is it too much to ask? Ugh...

I get out of the bathroom and I feel my stomach growling. Actually... I should probably have something to eat but I just don't feel like it, at all... I feel nauseous and just the idea of having to cook something makes me want to throw up the nothing I have in my stomach. Maybe I should still eat something, though... I always complain about having no energies when in reality it is probably because I do not feed my body enough food. In the end I decide I should order a takeout... Yes, maybe some pizza. This may sound so damn crazy to my complaining stomach but there is a little chance it would lift my mood up, even a little bit and I have nothing else I can hope for so... I might as well try...

I take my phone and download an app for takeaway orders, yes because my anxious ass really does not feel like talking on the phone to a stranger, and place my order, paying with my credit card number so that I can have as little human interaction as possible as I have it delivered to my place. Done. Yo, that was easier than I thought... I have not done this in a while now that I'm thinking about it... Not that it's hard to think that I don't do things for myself very often... In fact, the only thing I am able to do whenever I am alone is think... Overthink actually... And I am so good at it that I let it destroy me most of the times and I become unable to do anything else but if I find a way to distract myself, if I find something that keeps me outside of my head even for a second, that is when I am able to live.

I sigh and close my eyes. For a moment.. I feel proud of myself... For realising this, without letting the voice inside my head tell me to sink in desperation and keep me from doing anything. Before I realise it a tiny smile appears on my lips. I open my eyes and go to the shelf over my TV and pick one random DVD off of it, with my eyes closed. When I see what my hands have picked I giggle softly as I read "Dumbo" on the cover of the DVD I'm holding. Yeah that's appropriate, I really don't mind a Disney movie right now... They're always kind of sad but somehow still manage to make people smile in the end, I mean.. what could be more appropriate than that...

I put it on and let my body take the shape of the sofa infront of my television while I wait for the doorbell to rin- the movie does not even start and I already have to get the door. Uhm... That was... Fast... I sigh and get up, I look for my wallet for a good minute after realising I do not need it since I already paid using the app. Ugh, I'm so dumb...

Anyways, before I get to the door I hear a voice coming from behind the door. I don't really understand what it said but all I can say is that its tone makes my heart drop so badly I suddenly feel like I can hardly breathe. No. I tell myself that I'm wrong, that I'm stressing over nothing and it's all just in my stupid mind but as I hear my name spoken more clearly from that very voice coming from behind my door, I feel like my whole world is crumbling down and my knees start to feel so weak they just decide to not make me able to walk anymore.

No. No, this can't be. Come on, it's just the pizza guy, they only have a really similar voice. Identical, actually. And maybe he only knows my name because it was written on the order. Except I didn't write it... On my card maybe-

"Park Jinyoung... Please... Tell me you're in here..." Oh God. I feel so dizzy right now I feel like everything around me is spinning so fast I struggle to stand still. Why? What did I do to deserve this?

"Please... Tell me you're okay..." I hear the voice behind the door breaking. I close my eyes. I feel frozen, I can't move or talk, or do anything. I just wish I could disappear right now. I'm not strong enough to handle this. Why is this happening? Why now? Why me? Of course the tears I've tried my best to hold back up till now have already started streaming down my cheeks and I feel so powerless I do not even try to stop them.
I need to calm down right now. What should I do? I could try and think of any way possible that would lead me to disappearing from this reality or even just from this house. Maybe I could sneak out the window... Nah he would see me.

Come on, stupid. I know the only thing I have to do is get my shit together and get that motherfucking door. I don't know what will happen and frankly I really feel like I do not want to know. But the days when I let my life pass me by are over. I take the deepest breath, open my eyes and pick myself up, walking towards the door. I'm shaking. But I know this is the right thing to do. This isn't the Jinyoung that everybody, included me, used to know. This is me. The real me. And guess what? I got this.

I put my hand on the doorknob, without even blinking I open the door and it takes me a few second to focus on the figure that's standing in front of me right now since I feel my heart dropping way harder than I expected and my vision gets blurry for an instant.

"Hey."