The Broken Mirror

Chapter 23: Comfessions At The Whim Of A Camera

"I just don't know anymore," Was the first thing I said on this video diary thing that has been suggested as well as requested that I do.

Let me rephrase that. It wasn't only suggested and requested that I do this video diary thing, but required. It had become required because the promise that I had made to Alynne's psychiatrist about talking to her then relaying important information onto her fell through faster than it was made. I knew that I had promised that I would but after Alynne confided in me, I knew that I couldn't do it. Even though I knew that the deal was made to benefit her, even though she might not have been able to see it at first, I just couldn't. I'm her boyfriend and she trusts that I won't go telling others personal things that she tells me, so that's the last thing I could do.

This was the first video that I've done and this was the only thing that was able to come to my empty yet full spinning mind, but after I was able to wrap my head around some things, one often asked question in particular, the words just came flowing out of my mouth and I couldn't possibly talk any slower.

"My very few friends keep asking me why the hell I still stick with Alynne," I spoke, repeating the very same question that I'm consistently asked. "They ask me why do I stay with her when she's so sick like this. Why don't I just leave and forget about her? Well, in all honesty, I wouldn't be able to even if I tried. Even if I was offered anything my heart desired, I wouldn't be able to," I continued before taking a deep breath. If I wasn't careful I'd end up in a whirlwind of tears. I cradled my head in my hands momentarily before I felt that I could continue talking. I'm usually not one that's against showing saddened emotion, or any emotion that goes against the stereotypical male masculinity, but I felt that if I didn't have a moment or two of silence I would just burst into tears and/or totally lose it and shut down, and I didn't really want to do that especially since I was recording myself and would be expected to present this one time or another.

"The truth is, I love Alynne so much," I confessed, even though this was pretty easy to see for yourself. "If I didn't really love her, I would have just abandoned her from day one and not have even gone through any of this shit with her. I would have just left, found some other girl, and continued on with my life," I added. "I didn't leave not only because I love her so much it's probably unhealthy, but because I can't live without her, and trust me, I've tried."

This is too hard to continue on without becoming a blubbering mess, so why don't you just stop? My subconscious suggested, but I shook my head and pushed the mere thought of stopping aside. This was something I was just going to have to do.

"I need her just as much as she needs me," I repeated but using different wording. "And if I left her, especially at a time like this where she needs someone other than a doctor by her side, I would never be able to forgive myself," I added.

For a brief moment I wasn't sure of what to say but I very quickly remembered what happened during our encounter just the other day. More thoughts came to mind but it veered clear away from what I was currently talking about. My directed audience has changed, but I don't really care.

"Alynne, I am so proud of you," I said. "You have gotten so far with your treatments and you're in a much better state then you were when you were first admitted two months ago." I took a deep breath because I feared that if I didn't, the tears would start to fall.

"Despite that however, there is still a long way to go and like you are, I'm scared as well," I confessed. "You have taken everything so well but there is much more to come and you never know when a bump in the road will come along."

"Okay, I'm done now," I claimed as I reached my hand over and closed the lid to stop the recording.

I don't give a fuck about what they say anymore. This is being deleted an I don't care how they decide to indirectly punish me next time. There's also nothing of importance on there so it's not like any of them would benefit from the viewing, but then I had another thought.

Alynne needs to see this.

In response to that, I pulled out my laptop, brought up the email then attached the video as a file when it decided to show up as a readable file. I hastily typed up an email:

Subject: Video{Open ASAP}

Message: I made up a little video that was suggested by our superiors. However, I'm not allowing them to watch it. I find it important that you do, so here it is.

As soon as my internet browser would allow me to, I slammed down on the 'send' button and looked at it disappear from my screen.

Message Sent