Strings of Regret

Chapter 30

My mind kept on wandering back and forth. Mama's unconscious state lying on the stretcher and the ambulance's syringe keeps on ringing inside my head. Patuloy pa rin ang agos ng luha ko sa basang basa kong pisngi. Mas lalong sumisikip ang dibdib ko habang naririnig ang hikbi ni Renan na nakaduko lang sa tabi ko. 

I tried to get a grip of my now lost sanity before pulling him with me into a warm hug. I know my heart is slowly breaking into pieces but I need to appear strong in front of my brother. Kahit makita niya lang akong matatag para hindi siya mawalan ng pag-asa kahit mas nauna akong nawalan nito simula nang i-anunsyo ng doktor na… 

Walang wala ako sa sarili ng makita si Mama na nakahiga sa kandungan ni Renan at hirap na hirap sa paghinga. Nakasapo pa ang kamay niya sa dibdib na para bang doon siya kumukuha ng hangin. Dagdagan mo pa sa umiiyak na mukha ng kapatid ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano ngunit si Tita Ann ang tinawagan ko sa oras na iyon.

  "Tita…" umiiyak kong aniya ngunit pilit kong binuo ang boses para maintindihan niya ang sasabihin ko. 

  "Hello? Percy?" sagot niya mula sa kabilang linya.

  "Tita… Si M-Mama…" napahikbi na ako sa sakit na nararamdaman.

  "Ha?! Bakit?! Anong nangyari?" 

  "Hindi siya makahinga Tita… T-Tumawag po tayo ng a-ambulansya…" nanginginig ang boses na wika ko. 

It was still vivid in my mind how the familiar syringe of the ambulance filled the agonizing house. Tita's face when she spot Mama who's now lying on my lap, unconscious, made me cry harder. Kahit si Tito Alfred at Tito Felipe na kapatid rin ni Mama ay sumama kay Tita. Sitting on that ambulance while holding Mama's hand was the most painful ride of my entire life. Parang gusto ko nalang lumipad ang sasakyan para makarating kaagad kami at magamot agad si Mama. 

My whole world shattered into a million broken pieces of glass that could never be repaired when I saw the impassive face of the doctor who just exited the ER. No. No! I know what this face means. No! I was on the verge of wailing out loud but I grabbed the every cell of positivity inside me and hugged that to my dear life. I tried my best to stay positive that maybe Mama is just stable or… she still needs to be examined and diagnosed but every optimistic thoughts flew out of the hospital building when the doctor opened his mouth. 

  "She has heart complications and is… dead on arrival due to heart attack." 

Those dreadful words has fallen to deaf ears. I started advancing to the ER to prove them wrong that Mama is just lying on that hospital bed, unconscious but with assurance that she will still flutter her eyes open and we will still get to embrace her in our arms. 

My Titas and grandparents cries filled the hallways but for me, there is no time for weeping yet without seeing Mama's current state. I just can't believe as long as I can see Mama fine. 

My Tito's strong arms stopped me but even the heavens couldn't halt me from doing what I want as of the moment. I opened the green curtain that served as the boundary between me and my mother. I stopped on my tracks when I saw a body covered with a paper white blanket. Slowly, I unveiled the thin sheet and Mama's pale face welcomed my hopeful eyes. The hope in my eyes faltered as I got to touch Mama's cold hands. A sob escaped my lips while I stared at her lifeless body. With my shivering hands, I brought hers upon my lips and kissed the back of her hand. 

Drops of tears fell incessantly as I listened to my brother's cry of sorrow. My vision of her peaceful face blurred. I brought her hand to caress my damp cheek.