Strings of Regret

Chapter 40

Nakatingin lamang ako sa mga nagtataasang puno na unti-unting nawawala sa aking paningin sa bilis nang pagtakbo ng sasakyan. I exchange glances in the front to the side from time to time. I inhaled the fresh air that blanketed my face from the ajar window. The low volume of the stereo adding a more serene ambiance.

Unti-unti ng natatabunan ng ulap ang mga bundok na malinaw kong nakikita sa harap.

We are on our way to the cemetery. Pagkatapos naming magpahinga saglit sa tambayan namin noon, napagpasyahan naming tumulak at bisitahin si Mama at Lolo.

I... initiated. I really did so Reese was shocked. It was something he never expected me to blurt out.  He even awkwardly laughed thinking it was a spur of the moment statement but seeing my serious face surprised him and he then silently nodded.

The car stopped and my eyes instantly saw the familiar yet now rusty gate of the cemetery. Hindi pwedeng ipasok ang kotse sa loob kaya nagpark lamang si Reese sa may bandang gilid. The engine stopped but none of us moved yet.

"You can still back out. You don't need to force yourself, Bri."

I'm relieved that he won't force me but I am dead sure I want to do this. Ayoko na patagalin pa when in fact this was long overdue. This was supposed to happen years ago. This will happen no matter what. There's no use running when it will always hunt me wherever I go. I would rather embrace it than be wallowed by sorrow.

So I shook my head. "I can do this. I want to do this..."

I gulped and fisted my palms to avoid trembling. You can do this, Bri.

"Don't be scared. I'm with you." Reese held my fisted knuckles and dominated it. A familiar warmth gradually spread through me.

It's not the alarming wildfire that sends shivers down my spine. It's the usual comforting warmth I get from him whenever I feel down. The warmth he gives when I went out and hugged him to vent out all my frustrations. It's that kind of warmth I'll never get tired of.

Reese rubbed circles on my pale-white knuckles and brushed my side bangs before tucking it at the back of my earlobe.

I sighed.

We spent a good five minutes in silence before I turned to him and smiled.

"Let's go," I said and unwillingly retrieved my hand from his hold to unbuckle my seatbelt.

The coldness that instantly seeped through me did not go unnoticed.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would find myself entering these gates after I turned my back against it. But if ever it came across my mind several years ago, I still would not think I will come back with someone, moreso, a man from my past.

Destiny can be very perplexing at times.

Bumili kami ng kandila at bulaklak na tinitinda lang sa may gilid. Kahit na mag-limang taon na akong hindi nakabisita dito, kabisado ko padin ang daan patungo.

I bent down and laid the bouquet we bought just above the grave while Reese lit the candle. I also went to lolo's grave, which is beside my mom's, and softly grazed my fingers on his name carved on the cement.

We muttered a silent prayer for the both of them. I quietly watched the candle. How the flame swayed with the wind but never withered. My heart tugged watching it struggle to keep burning despite the perilous wind.

I gasped in agony upon seeing the fire slowly weakening only to sigh again when I saw it burn even more. Stronger than before.

"You know," Reese broke the silence. "You are just like this fire."