By: orphan_account
(2013-08-25/2013-09-24)
Summary:
It wasn't the first time, but she swears it feels like it.
Chapter 1
Jamais Vu
Often described as the opposite of déjà vu, jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before.
Love's an old fable. One painted with broad strokes and a light hand. Love is a wise man's fault and a blind man's sight. Undefinable, unreliable, and ultimately unreachable. Yet, we strive for it like a fly to the light, we yearn for it so much that we hand our hearts over on a platter. We become so eager that our souls become enamored with the thought and the theory of love.
We blindly reach for the unknown. We follow the old fable, the lovesick musicians, the eloquent authors, the smooth poetry and the artwork. Generations upon generations follow the lead and create their own stories. We relive Romeo and Juliet, a tragedy that is seen as the ultimate sacrifice. We attempt to understand the emotions and to describe the raw and pureness of our hearts. We try to describe the connection and the unity of two souls. We try to compare and qualify what being "in love" means. We do what we know we can not achieve; but why?
Love is the only unknown humans do not fear. I do not fear love, I fear the outcome of love. I want to feel love and have it engulf me, but why when the loss of it is so painful?
Lauren's been reading this for a while now, she scans over the thoughts of a girl she's never met but has never had the courage to go and find. It's a world she was never intentionally invited into, but one she stumbled upon headfirst.
She skims over the words again, curious as to how on Earth a girl of only seventeen could gather up these words, place them together in this pattern, and evoke too many emotions out of her. She wonders if it's truly something a writer writes or if this girl is feeling more than she wants to feel.
It's important for her to remember that this is a girls blog, one that's personal, but public. Lauren sighs before taking her glasses off to rub her eyes. She spends way too much time online, too much time on Tumblr, but it's whatever, right? What else is a high schooler supposed to do.
In reality, she needs to be working on her college essays. November is fast approaching and she's not nearly as ready as she'd like to be. Miami is fun and all, but she's wanted to go to New York for school for as long as she can remember. It's a change of pace, but mostly it's the best place she can think of to reinvent herself, to become someone independent of what she is here and find out if she's truly ready for it all.
The brown-haired girl places her glasses back on, going to open up her common app and looking at the applications she needs to fill out for New York University and Fordham and a few other minor schools. She glances over the applications for Columbia and Barnard, the two most prominent ones she's worried about. Barnard College is an all girl's school that's prominent throughout the United States, it's affiliated closely with Columbia and is one of the Seven Sisters.
Really, it's a huge fucking dream. One Lauren hopes will come true. She sighs as she re-reads her essay for the college, but remains unsatisfied when she finishes it.
She changes tabs once again, skimming over the blog she had found three weeks ago on Tumblr. The URL itself was peculiar; waakeme-up. She recognizes the lyrics from an Ed Sheeran song.
Since she stumbled on it, she doesn't even remember how she found it, she's been skimming through the archives and finding pieces of writing tucked between the photos and quotes that are reblogged. She hasn't had the courage to message the owner of the tumblr, mostly for fear of---Lauren can't think of a reason, but she assures herself it's a good one.
The description on the page is short; 'Camila, 16, Boston.' She thinks for a few seconds that if she could be in Boston to just find this girl and praise her for the words she's drawn-out, she would. But, alas, that's crazy. She's crazy. Lauren Michelle Jauregui is crazy.
Cue the part of this where Lauren slams her head right into her laptop keyboard and screws things up. Not really, she's too smart for that. She's going insane now because this inner dialogue thing sucks.
She gets up from her desk and lies flat on her back on the bed.
School again in the morning. She finished all the homework. Her eyes slide shut in hopes of finding some courage to message the girl tomorrow.
Maybe.
----------------
"You could actually look happy to be at school, y'know?" Alexa pokes Lauren with her fork.
"Well, you could look happy to see me at least."
"Shut up."
"What's wrong?" The other girl looks Lauren in the eye.
"I just want my apps to be done for Early Decision time."
"Trust me, me too."
"Where are you applying?" Lauren asks her best friend.
"Probably Miami U and a few others around here. Are you still hell-bent on leaving Florida?"
"It'll kill my parents, but yeah, most likely."
"Why do you want it so badly again?" Lauren goes back to nibbling on her chips, adjusting her pleated school uniform at the same time.
"It'll be different."
"You've never even been to New York before."
"I actually---" Lauren hesitates, not realizing what she was about to reveal.
"What?" Alexa furrows her eyebrows at the green-eyed girl. Normani seats herself beside the girls, going unnoticed she watches as the scene unfolds quietly.
Lauren wants to just smack herself. She really just wants to smack herself really hard and hopes that Alexa forgets or the bell rings---the clock reads twelve-fifteen---not nearly close enough to the time she needs it to be.
"You actually what?"
"Nothing."
"Laur?" Alexa pushes and that's what Lauren absolutely hates about people, when they push.
"It's nothing, forget about it." Alexa does because really she doesn't want to create a scene or fight with Lauren this early on in the year. She turns, finally recognizing Normani there, and begins to speak with her about their upcoming exams.
The rest of the day goes by relatively fine. She laughs with her friends and Lauren feels bad about not feeling perfectly happy with her life because she has every reason to be, but she doesn't. She isn't.
She's walking out to the parking lot to throw her books in the trunk before she heads home for the day to do exactly what she did yesterday but stops when she hears her name being called.
"Laur!" She turns around to face Alexa.
"Hmm?" She says back, swinging her keys round on her index finger. Bad habit.
"I'm sorry about lunch."
"Don't be, I got all defensive."
"Do you want to talk about it at all?"
"No." She shakes her head, offering Alexa a smile before she gets into her jeep.
--------------------
It's the weekend now, October closing in soon enough, Lauren really wants time to just give her some more time because it's impossibly fast and she can't keep up and basically college apps are ruining her life.
She runs her fingers through her hair again, probably the hundredth time today if she's honest.
"Lauren do you want anything from Sams Club?" Chris Jauregui pops his head into his sisters room.
"No, but tell Taylor not to buy that weird juice again."
"Will do." He spins on his heels, forgetting to close the door again, she wants to yell, really really loud, but she doesn't because she can't say she has the energy.
"I saw your parents leaving the house with Chris and Taylor?" Lauren swivels in her chair to face the intruder.
"Mani, holy shit, don't do that." This is why she detests open doors.
"Sorry, they let me in." The darker girl is genuinely apologetic and she goes to sit on Lauren's bed.
"What're you doing here?"
"Just thought I'd drop by."
"Well, I'm not great company, I was just working on my college stuff."
"That's actually why I came, I don't want to do it, but I was wondering if you could read one of mine?"
Lauren shrugs as if to say yes; truth be told she needed a break from staring at her own work for so long.
"Okay, but can you read one of mine too?" Normani nods and unpacks her computer. She logs in to her common app and hands it over to Lauren to look at. Lauren moves from the desk she's at so Normani can get to her computer.
Normani settles in and begins reading the essay, it's similar to the prompt she wrote, but her friend's answer is the same.
She finished, spinning around to tell Lauren what she thinks, but sees that the girl is still reading. So instead she busies herself with opening a new tab, intent on going to college boards website, but notices a tab already open. Curious she looks at it recognizing it as a blog on tumblr and glances over the words there.
"Hey, so there's a few gramma---" Lauren looks up at Normani only to see that the other girls has been staring at Camila's blog. (She recognizes that she says it as though she's familiar with the owner.)
"Is this yours?"
"No."
"Oh." Lauren plays it off hoping Normani backs down.
"It's pretty great writing."
"It is."
"So you have a few grammatical errors but other than that it's pretty great."
"Thanks. I can't really give you much for yours. I can tell you've been over it again and again." Lauren nods in thanks. Normani shitfs over to lay next to her best friend.
"So, NYU?" Lauren inquires, having recognized the prompt Normani was writing as one she had previously filled as well.
"Mhm."
"The big apple."
"Yeah. I suppose you're applying as well?"
"Yeah."
"We could end up there together." Lauren turns her head to look at Normani is response. She smiles. She loves this girl a lot, mostly because she places value in those she can trust and in those who are loyal. She returns what she can tenfold.
"We could."
"Are you nervous?" Lauren ponders the question.
"Yes and no?" Normani gives her a curious look and she continues; "I guess I know I'll have to get into some of the places, it's the financial aid I need to convince my parents to allow me to go.
"I wish I was as confident about getting in."
"You should be. We've been in the same classes. You get decent grades, but your work outside of school will help." Lauren sets her friend straight because confidence will be the only saving grace in this process.
"Yeah. Hey so, what happened at lunch the other day?" Suddenly Lauren wants to be miles away and not in this situation because Normani always gets what she wants and if she wants this answer she'll get it in some manor.
"Why are you asking now?"
"Because it upset you and also because you've had a few days to calm down." Lauren sighs.
"Also because I'm curious."
"Curiosity killed the cat, sweetheart."
"Thankfully, I'm not a cat."
"You don't have nine lives either."
"But, my dad is a doctor." Lauren smiles at that.
"Do I have to tell you?"
"Yes."
"If I didn't want to tell Alexa what makes you think I'm gonna tell you."
"You like me more." Normani winks at the girl.
"I will not confirm that."
"No need."
"We're talking about my slip up, right?"
"Yeah." Lauren contemplates the harm in telling Normani. She doesn't see any. The girl tagging along if need be wouldn't be as damaging as if Alexa did. Normani wants to go to school there as well.
"I bought a flight ticket to New York for this winter."
"Oh?" Normani hadn't expected that.
"It was sort of a whim thing, but I figured applying early helps and I'll know before winter break or late January and if I do get in it would be about the perfect time to go and visit. I've never been, but I guess that'll help."
Normani nods as if understanding perfectly.
In a way, Lauren supposes she does to a certain degree.
"Winter break here I'm going. You should come." See, she hadn't expected to invite Normani, but it seemed fitting now.
"Do your parents know?"
"Not yet."
"Well, wait till I buy my tickets and we can say it's a bestie trip." Normani smiles at the girl. "You should've just told me from the start."
"I know. I'm sorry Mani-bear."
"Ew." The brown-eyed girl crinkles her nose at Lauren.
---------------------
Another night. Another week has flown by. Lauren sits at her computer again. Checking the girls blog, specifically her 'personal' tag.
She sees a new post; the 'read more' stark against the white background. She clicks it preparing herself, for what she has no idea.
It's a short post. Just an update on the girls life. She's got a few colleges written down, some prominent in the north and Lauren skims down the list to see Columbia written on there as well. She smiles.
She hasn't even known the girl was college-bound, but she feels as though she had no right to considering the situation.
She goes back to her dashboard and skims down to queue and reblog some things. She writes a simple text post; 'I wish colleges would pick me instead of having to go through and apply to a million.' It sums up her Senior year so far.
This is where she loses her balls. It's tumblr and the anonymity should make her feel safer, but it doesn't.
It's a good ten minutes of listening to her music okay on shuffle per usual before she just thinks fuck it. The URL is there automatically as soon as she typed in the 'wa' and she goes to the girl's ask.
She types a few messages before she deletes them again, intent on not sounding like an idiot. The green-eyed girl lets out a frustrated sigh and decides to go with; 'Hi! I love your writing. It's great that you're applying to those schools. Would it be crazy to tell you I'm applying to some of those too?' So this is when it gets difficult.
Should she ask anonymously? Should she be herself?
She hits send. Not bothering to hit anonymous because she doesn't want to be that person.
She doesn't realize she's been sitting at her computer refreshing the page until American by Lana Del Ray starts playing. It was the first song on the playlist and that means she's been here for a good hour.
Tumblr makes her want to continue to waste her life away. She sighs. Picking up her phone to text Normani.
"Lauren come out of your room so we can eat dinner!" Her father yells. She yells back a confirmation and trudges downstairs.
"She comes out from her cave." Taylor says as her older sister sits down. The icy glare doesn't phase her anymore either.
"Leave your sister alone. College apps are keeping her there I assume." Her mom defends her deftly.
"Or tumblr." Lauren steps on Chris's foot. What she thinks is Chris's foot
"Lauren!" Her dad yelps out.
"Sorry." Her face flushes. They pray quickly and she digs into dinner, mind elsewhere.
"Where are you applying?" Taylor asks curiously.
"Uhm." Her parents know she's not intent on anywhere in Florida, despite taking her to many many colleges and universities in the area, but they've got no idea she's actually serious about it.
"Miami U?" Her dad suggests.
"Actually, more like NYU, Columbia, Fordham, St.Johns." She finally offers.
"Nothing here?"
"Nope."
"When are you applying?"
"Early action for most and then Early Decision at Columbia." Her dad nods. She's lucky because her parents have never fought her on these things, they want the best for her. She wants to make them proud. She also probably should mention that she's bought herself a trip to NY with the money she's earned from the past summer.
Her phone buzzes in her pocket. She doesn't check it for fear of her mom going off on the whole "NO PHONES AT THE TABLE!" rant. That's not needed.
"So; what're we doing for winter break?" She inquires.
"Probably sticking around here. Take the boat out if you want." Her dad inserts.
"Well..." She trails off, taking a bite of her food.
"Normani and I may have bought tickets to New York?" She says it lightly. She can hear Chris laughing.
"Oh my Gosh, pops, you're not gonna let her go are you?" She wants to kick Chris again.
"Well, she and I will talk about this with Normani's parents first."
"What?!"
"Chris, your sister is eighteen."
"In any case, she's been places on her own before."
"We can talk about this later, Michael." Lauren thanks her mom for that and continues to eat. Jetting it to her room as soon as she places her dishes in the sink.
She jumps onto her bed, grabbing her pink pig pillow pet and wrapping her arms around it.
Her phone slides out of her sweatpants pocket easily and she checks her messages to see that Normani had asked her parents last night and confirmed that she's in. She replies back to say her parents are thinking it over.
She goes on tumblr now and sees that she's got a new one. Should she open it here or on her phone? Is she even sure it's Camila?
She does it on her phone, too comfortable to remove herself from her bed.
She really wants to slap herself because it's not Camila. It's an anon asking her about college choices etc. She replies promptly and throws her phone on the bed. Maybe Camila's much busier than she is. Maybe the girl actually has a life?
Her phone dings again and she checks her email, hoping it's her academic advisor from school so she can move along with the process of recommendations. Instead, it's tumblr.
Waakeme-up asked a question. She nervously opens up the email and smiles. 'Sorry! I deleted your message on accident, but I luckily had the email. It's funny. I guess we have similar tastes in schools? Thanks for the compliment, but this is just a journal of sorts. (:'
She lays in bed, rereading the message over and over again trying to come up with something to say.
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This is a Multi-shot :)
