con bravura acceso - twoset one shots

LXV. symphony no. 10 in f-sharp (unfinished) by Gustav Mahler

Nothing is stronger than habit, they would say. Eddy Chen just might agree. It has been almost a year since he and Brett Yang broke off an eight year relationship but the habit of preparing plates and dinner for two never left him.

warnings: expletives, angst

Eddy's POV

Houses become homes due to its contents. Habits stick to us because of how we tie them to the significance of its action. I hate being stuck in routines but he changed it all. The hard things to manage before became easier with him. Every single thing was a breeze with him.

I don't know why I chose to keep this apartment. I don't know why I choose to keep the memory of all that around me constantly. I don't know why I will always choose to remember what I had with him. I know I'll be fucked if I lose him more than I already did.

So, I kept our friendship even if it hurt. Even if keeping it meant deliberate affliction. There comes a certain point in your life where we're so used to a person's presence around us so much. The sudden disappearance is likened to a winter or an unprecedented storm. It's the tacenda of the situation that makes it oh so unbearable.

The things implied but not spoken. The way coffee is always for two in the the pot, always boiling and hot. Until it gets a day old and thrown out. It's such a shame to waste caffeine but Brett didn't seem to think too much about it. He didn't see how a such a simple and mundane thing broke me.

Eight years like that extra cup of coffee, huh?

In terms of groceries, I still shop for two. No, I am not begging him to return to me silently. I am not keeping the food that he likes in the hope that he'll stay with me this time. No, I am above that.

It's mostly just habit, sometimes. Buying two packs of Yakult that I never open, packaged uncooked tapioca pearls when I crave bubble tea at midnight, now untouched and most of all, the instant roasted milk tea powder that go side by side with the pearls. It always has to been the black oolong type.

I still have the products that he uses for bathing. The half-empty bottle of shampoo that smells like vanilla mint is just sitting there. I once used it before going to bed but it had just made me cry. It's hard breathing in his scent from my own body.

It makes me feel more alone. It awakens the sadness that I thought was dampened by a few tears. Turns out, the bonfire of sorrow living in my heart never dies out. It just gradually grows stronger and weakens overtime unless ignited again.

I'd like to think that I'm getting better at breaking these habits now, though.

Most days, I make coffee that's only for me but fuck it up when I put a splash of milk because I always drink my coffee black. I get lesser groceries, focusing on what I want but my cart can't seem to lose the packs of Yakult I never drink. I could use Brett's old shampoo now, even finished it so that it wouldn't go to waste without crying. But bought a new bottle of the exact same shampoo out of habit.

Okay, I admit... Maybe I'm not going as good as I convinced myself I am. Well, what can I do? I have to prepare my dinner and carry on with my life. I mindlessly cooked as I am just trying to get over it.

I set the table as mindlessly as I cooked. I put no effort in the tasks whatsoever. I set the plate down with the spoon and fork, grabbing a glass and filling it up with water. Somehow, even to my surprise, everything was going great. I grabbed the food to serve and sat down.

"Hey, Brett... Honey, it's time to eat." I said to the apartment, out if habit.

I was left unanswered. I stared blankly at the empty seat in front of me.

"Dipshit, he's not around anymore..." I say to myself as I force the tears back, blinking them away. "Fucking habits..."

I was now crying, completely sobbing loudly. Filling the entire apartment with pathetic sounds and tears. I pull my legs up to my chest and hugged them tightly.

Why am I not over it? It's been a year now. It's also not like I lost Brett. He's still my best friend. Still, crying seemed like the best thing I could do now. The doorbell rang and I wiped my tears. Breathing deeply, no one needs to know how pathetic this habit of mine still is. I opened the door and forced a smile. It was none other than the man himself, Brett Yang.

"Hey..." He said as he smiled at me quite nicely.

"Hey yourself... It's late. You forgot something?" I asked calmly.

"Yeah, I forgot my rosin. I would wait until tomorrow but you might accidentally lose it." He said, looking at me directly.

So, you have no faith in me up until now...

"Come in... I'll get it from the office." I replied, avoiding his searching eyes.

I rushed to the office and grabbed it. I took a few deep breaths, composing myself before going out there again. As I met him, I only heard his questioning voice.

"You have a date?" Brett asked, alluding to the extra set of dining utensils.

I handed him the rosin and answered.

"No..."

"Why did you s-"

"It's a habit I never lost..." I replied, not wanting to drag the conversation out.

"Eddy... It's been a year, though..." Brett said, looking at him with pity.

"I know... It's not like it's easy to get rid of it. I've been doing it for five years, ever since you moved in with me." I replied, defending myself.

There was nothing left to talk about but he thought otherwise when he spoke.

"I thought it was mutual... I broke up with you because we were in the same page!" He exclaimed as he sat down on his old spot on the dining table, holding his spoon.

It's a nervous habit he never lost.

"We are! I just can't help it. It's not like I want you back or anything... I agreed to the break up because it was obvious you didn't want the relationship anymore! Even if I wasn't on the same page, it's not like I can ask you to just stay..." I retorted, scratching the back of my neck.

Wow, what a horrible liar you are, Eddy Chen.

"We can't be together anymore and you know it... We broke up for a reason."

"I know that, too. Don't worry. I'll be fine. Besides, I already assured you that it wouldn't be weird. You're my best friend and I don't want to lose that. I didn't know you were going to visit..." I confessed.

"Eddy, this isn't healthy, you know? I think you need time apart from me..." Brett suggested.

"I know that it isn't healthy Brett... I'm trying. Please don't leave... I just don't want to lose you more than I already did." I replied calmly.

"I won't. You have to be better for yourself Eddy..." Brett said, hugging me from behind my shoulder because I was sleeping.

With that, he walked out the door. I remained sat on the chair as I let it all out. Nothing, indeed, is stronger than habit.