WHEN IT ALL TURNED BLACK AND WHITE

10

Louis

I turned into a version of myself that I don't know. That I don't wanna know. That's not me. But I have to pretend. Pretend that I don't care. Pretend I don't love. Pretend I don't feel. Maybe its worth it in the end, right?

It's been another month since all of it happened. Me and harry didn't have any contact other than in interviews and with the band.

I hope he moves on.

But I cant.

On a normal Tuesday evening I got a call. It was zayn.

"Hey zayn, whats up?"
"Louis, hey, ummm.. I'm leaving the band."
"What"
"Louis I'm leaving the band."
"Why"
"Because."

Then he hung up. I couldn't put together what just happened. And I didn't want to. I know he had problems, I knew he wasn't okay, and I knew he would eventually leave. But not now. Right before our tour?

My hands were shaking as I typed a message for him. A private one. Not important for this story. Maybe for another.

After that I drank. I drank a lot. It's been a rough year. Eventually I got tired and went to bed.

The next morning I woke up and had the worst headache of my life. In that case, Harry would make me breakfast and give me some painkillers. But he wasn't there. I was alone. So incredibly alone.

I wanted to talk to him. Text him. Meet him. Explain everything. Oh god, I bet he hates me. I bet he thinks I moved on. But I didn't, and I will never. Never in my life.

I decided to write some songs. Some ideas for songs for the band, and mostly for me. I finally was able to express the pain into words. And it was amazing. I felt better after it. Not good but better.

I called some of our songwriters for the band and discussed some of the ideas I had, mailed them my drafts, and they liked some of it.

And that made me feel better.

But the pain didn't fade. Never.

Harry,
Today was hard. Harder than the last weeks. Everything got together and hurt me a little bit more. Zayn is leaving, its gonna be hard for all of us.
I wrote some songs today. About all of this. About us, about me and about you.
Maybe I will show you them one day.
I hope you're okay, its a rough time right now, and I hope you'll move on. It will get better. Trust me.
But never forget me. Okay? Never.
Because I'll never forget you, I'll always love you. You're always in my heart, and always a part of me.
I love you, always.