WHEN IT ALL TURNED BLACK AND WHITE

5

Harry

Every second I miss you. I miss us. I miss my normal life. Our normal life. I realized that there never was just me, it was always us.

I went downstairs and saw that louis did breakfast. And he left some clothes. I picked up a sweatshirt that was neatly folded on the kitchen counter. He never folded his clothes, I thought to myself and laughed. I smelled the sweater and closed my eyes. It felt like he was just here. But he wasn't. It felt like we were laying on the couch and my head rested on his belly. But we weren't on the couch and my head wasn't on his belly. I was standing alone in my cold kitchen, my face buried in a piece of clothing.

I ate the pancakes louis made for me. I felt numb. His words we will find each other one day again. Circled around my head. I remember he said something similar when we were younger. I told him that I wondered what would've happened if I never auditioned for the X factor, and you said that it wouldn't have mattered, because he would have found me either way.
Sometimes I wished that we didn't audition. Maybe we would have found us, and we could've lived a normal life. But on the other hand, I'm so grateful for everything I got after my audition. My friends, my fans and that I can do what I love for a living.

But being with Louis, without any worries, would've been awesome too.

I thought I'd take this opportunity of heartbreak to write some songs, and I wrote a lot that day. Tons of songs, some very vulnerable, that I would never release, and some that I eventually released one day.

I was actually very excited for the next few weeks, lots of shootings, interviews and time with the band. I was a little bit worried about me and Louis being in one room together, again, just as friends.

But I decided to not think about that. I distracted myself with watching a movie, and afterwards I ate dinner. Alone.

That's where it hit me again. Me and Louis couldn't be just friends. There will always be something between us. But I will try, it thought to myself. I didn't want to ignore him, I had to try to be a bro to him, I guess. That's what Liam would say.

I took a long hot shower to clear my head. But instead of it helping me, it made everything worse. I cried a lot afterwards. I was laying in my bed, in our bed, and I cried. I cried for hours.

Louis, I miss you so much. It's been one day without you, and I don't feel like myself anymore. You are a part of me. Without you I'm not Harry, I'm just Har.
For a few hours today, I thought I could handle it, I was productive, I watched a movie, but the feeling of missing you didn't go away.
I cried. I cried a lot.
And I think a part of me will never stop crying.
My heart will never stop screaming your name.
And I know I have to keep on trying.
But life will never be the same.