WHEN IT ALL TURNED BLACK AND WHITE

11

Harry

I bet you moved on. I bet you're happier with her. I bet she's your world and I bet you told her that a million times already. Just like you always told me.
I can't hate you or her, I tried. But I can't. I wanna be with you, still. I wanna be her, so I can be with you.
But I'll never be her. I'll never be with you again. Louis, I lost hope.

Zayn left the band. It was hard for all of us, but it was better for him. I mean, he always told me how bad he felt. I hoped he would feel better soon. I hoped he wouldn't forget us. I hoped we would stay friends.

I had really bad nightmares since Louis left. I barely sleep because of it. But I have to power through it, it will be always worth it in the end. Because I believed you Louis, I believed you when you said we can be together again one day. But every hour that passed by the feeling of being lied to got stronger. The pain turned into hate. Not against Lou, against me.

I was so mad at me that I didn't fight for us. I didn't fight for love. I didn't fight for what's fair. I bet Louis hated me in that moment. When I let him go. I let him leave our house. I let him leave his home.

I missed him so much and hated me so much. I cant pur into words how both of these emotions fucked with my head. My head hurted and my heart ached. My stomach pinched and my eyes watered. I was in an all consuming pain.

I didn't know what to do, so I called an old friend of mine, to meet up. Maybe I would feel better. Their name won't be mentioned, its not the point.

We met up and had a lot of fun, we drank and drank. We talked and more. But the pain didn't go away, it just got worse. After 3 hours I kicked them out. Because it wasn't Lou. Even if I tried to pretend it was him. The alcohol didn't work that way.

I was so frustrated.

So I started crying again. But it was different this time. I cried and felt free afterwards. I had a clear head again and I was thinking right again. And the only right thing to do was to move out. And maybe I could move on that way.

Hello Lou.
I made a decision today. I think its important for me. And its the best for me. It's time. It's been 3 months alone in this house.
I know I promised you that I wouldn't move out. But you promised me some things too. I guess we both lied and broke our promises.
I know I sound mad, but I'm not. I just miss you. A lot. Every second of my life.
I found a cute house here in London, its amazing, and I'm proud that I have the courage to do it.
I know you'll love it.
Maybe one day, when we're older, we move here again.
One day. Some day.
I hope it's soon.