All I Have

Chapter 22 ~ Hello Darkness, My Old Friend. I've Come to Talk With You Again

I hardly sleep at all, and for the most part, I stare at the clock ticking, almost tauntingly, on Charlie's spare room's nightstand. I don't consider going downstairs, or for a walk though, because for most of the night, the sound of Asher sleeping soundly next to me, is enough of a distraction.

I listen carefully to his breathing and his repetitive heartbeat and take comfort that for right now, in this little room, in some undisclosed location in Paris, his heartbeat is reserved for only me. I try not to think about how hurt he's going to be, when he wakes up and I'm not there, because I've disappeared to go head to head with his mother.

His mother.

Around three in the morning, I become grateful that I can't sleep, because it gives me some time to try and wrap my head around the whole day. Yesterday, Charlie and I were so sure that we could end this, but for some reason, tonight, I worry that ending it all, would end everything else too.

No matter what he says, I can't shake the nagging feeling that I'm preparing myself to take more of Asher's family away from him, and hurt him a hundred times more. I can't seem to find a future, where he doesn't resent me for this. I run a finger up and down his arm lightly so I don't wake him, but treasure these fleeting moments alone with him.

No one bothered us last night, after Asher came upstairs. We didn't talk much, there wasn't much else either of us could find to say. I couldn't think of another way to apologise, and he couldn't find another way to express that I didn't need to. Eventually, emotionally and physically exhausted, we collapsed onto the bed, forgetting that the future king sat downstairs, fully aware of how many rules we had to break just to get to stay here.

At some point, I heard the front door click as Charlie snuck out to go get some items he promised me earlier. He grumbled about his beauty sleep, but I reminded him that I'd arrived here in clothes that were entirely soaked in blood, and I couldn't exactly leave with no shoes, and trousers that were never meant to be red, and eventually he agreed.

I turn my head a little to look over at Asher. He fell asleep a while ago, curling his body away from me while he slept. It's subconscious, of course, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Instead, I sit beside him, my shoulders resting against the headboard, only moving when the throbbing in my back gets too intense.

I allow myself the small pleasure of being near Asher, in case it's the last time. I slot myself just behind him, tucking my head into his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his torso. I wonder for a second, if I'm even allowed to do this, if he would even want me to. But in the middle of deciding whether or not to move, still in the clutches of a deep sleep, he lowers one of his arms and entwines our fingers together, tucking them into his chest, and letting me know that I'm fine to stay exactly where I am.

We lay there in the outer limits of sleep, like a little pair of quotation marks, the air thick with everything we can't say to each other.

Eventually, the peace of being beside Asher means that my brain can briefly slow, and allows me a few precious moments of sleep. After a few hours however, I jolt awake so suddenly that I'm worried I'll wake the sleeping figure next to me. I can't have slept much, because it's still so early that the room is pitch dark.

My brain doesn't catch up with my surroundings, and there's a flash of panic at the strange wallpaper, and even the unfamiliar feeling of having someone in the bed with me. There's a noise like a stumble from the door, and I reach over the side of the bed for some kind of defence.

My hand collides with an object and I fling it towards the door in fear. There's a noise that someone tries to muffle, and the light on the landing is turned on to illuminate Charlie, rubbing his face and cussing me out, quietly so he doesn't disturb everybody, because he's nice and thoughtful that way.