Twilight Remastered: Rekindled

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Bella is boogy shuffling to skool shes not paying attention when JFK is speeding down the parking lot shouting "NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPENS TO THE KENNEDYS" and then the car flips into the air like that one psa about the kids. Just when bella thought when all hope was lost she starts writing her will in the middle of the street and then a priest comes and gives her a confession that hes gay she sits there with a single black rose in her hand awaiting death. But then out of no where edward comes out of no where and inflates his huge balls like balloons. The car crashes into edward balls cushioning the crash bella turns into a emu from shock and starts chocking on air making a gawkgawk sound. Edwards blasts off again with his balloon balls and floats up into the sky and goes ding!

Bella teleports to the doctor using a enderpearl and then waits 2 hours in the lobby for the doctor to see her finnaly the werid rapey doctor comes to see her and starts examineing her by first shining a 5000 watt lazer into her eye which blinds her the doctor says "oh shit sorry was playing with my cat eariler" and then switches to a real flashlight
Bellas dad comes in and tells the black kid that hes gonna take away his liscene for eating on a subway platform.
Bella goes home after being prescribed cocaine for her tramatic experince oh yeah she has a eyepatch now she goes mimis in her bed.
Edward phazes into existance into her room bella can smell the axe body spray and becomes alarmed and sees someone in the corner of her room and jumps up with a sword and shield in hand and says " NEVER SHOULDVE COME HERE" like a skyrim npc.
Edward crouches and becomes invisble because he has sneak 100 as bella can no longer detect edward she sheathes her sword "mustve been the wind" and goes back to bed.

While on her way to a friends party she walks down a allyway in the middle of the night as she walks through the allyway she hears the faint sound of dupstep then all the sudden the trash cans start rattling then smurf goblins leap from the trashcans and dupstep fill bellas ears they weild deadly sporks but she pulls out her mini kylo ren lightsaber the goblin smurfs do fortnite dances to intimidate her.