The Reds gathered in front of their base.
Sarge: Hurry up ladies, this ain't no ice cream social.
Simmons: Ice cream social?
He glanced at Grif and Ruby who both shrugged.
Sarge: Enough pillow talk you three. Now does anyone want to guess why I've gathered you here. . . today?
Grif: Uh, is because the war is over and you're sending us home?
The magenta soldier tilted her head and placed a hand on her hip.
Ruby: Seriously Grif?
Sarge: That's exactly it private. War's over, we won. Turns out you're the biiiig hero and we're gonna throw a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, Ruby'll play the music, and Simmons is IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!!!!!!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm sir.
Ruby facepalmed as Simmons sighed.
Sarge: God dammit private! Shut your mouth or I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep!
Simmons: Oh I'd do it too.
The maroon soldier paled when he felt a pair of eyes tear into him.
Ruby: Remember the last time you tried to kill each other?
Her voice sounded innocent, but beneath it was a terror the Red team considered to be a living nightmare. In fact, the Red team's number one rule became "Don't piss off the lady."
Sarge: Uh, don't do that Simmons. . . . Just don't.
The Sergeant chuckled nervously.
Sarge: Anyways, a couple of things today ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at BloodGulch outpost #1!
Grif: Crap, we're getting a rookie. . . .
He and Simmons sighed.
Ruby: I'm technically a rookie, aren't I?
Grif: You're different though.
Sarge: You're right deadman.
Sarge cut them off.
Sarge: Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from command.
Grif and Simmons glanced at each other while Ruby raised a brow.
Sarge: Lopez, bring up the vehicle.
The sound of an engine boomed as a green car with a chaingun on its rear end came over a hill! Lopez looked at the team from the driver seat.
Ruby: Shotgun.
Simmons: Shotgun!
Grif: Shotgun.
Grif/Simmons: Fuck.
Sarge: May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. It has four-inch armor plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine-gunner position, and total seating for three.
Ruby: There's five of us.
Her comment was ignored.
Sarge: Gentlemen, Gentelady, this is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the 'Warthog.'
Simmons: Why Warthog sir?
Sarge: Because M12 LRV is too hard to say in a conversation son.
Grif: No, but why warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: It looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hill is a puma?
Ruby: Wow, they are all idiots.
She couldn't help but giggle.
Simmons: Uh, you mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.
Sarge: . . . You're making that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal!
Sarge: Simmons I want you to poison Grif's next-
This time, Sarge received the death glare.
Sarge: I mean. . . give him an extra MRE.
The red soldier then moved and stood next to the warthog before crouching down in front of it.
Sarge: You see these two toe hooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals!
Up on a cliff, the Blues continued to watch the reds. Church aimed with his Sniper Rifle and examined the 'Warthog.'
Tucked: What is that thing?
Church: I don't know. Uh. . . Looks like they got some kind of car down there. We better get back to base and report it.
Tucker: A car? How come they get a car?
Church: What are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.
Tucker: You can't pick up chicks in a tank. . . .
Church could practically see the cyan soldier's frown through his visor.
Church: Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?
Tucker: Didn't the reds just get a girl?
Church: Wait they did?!
The cobalt soldier aimed down his scope and saw the magenta armored Ruby.
Church: That doesn't matter! She's the enemy!
Tucker: Worth the shot.
Church: How are you even gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?!
Tucker: What kind of car is it?
Church: I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. Looks like a uhh. . . like a big cat of some kind.
Tucker: What, like a puma?
Church: Yeah man, there you go.
As they observed the reds, the Reds still had their attention on the name of their new vehicle.
Sarge: So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with the 'Warthog.' How about it Girf?
The orange one sighed.
Grif: No sir, Warthog's fine.
Sarge: Are you sure? How 'bout Bigfoot?'.
Grif: It's okay.
Sarge: Unicorn?
Grif: No, really. Uh, I'm cool.
Sarge: Sasquatch?
Simmons: Leprechaun?
Ruby: Yeti?
Grif: Hey, he doesn't need any help!
Sarge: Phoenix?
The orange soldier sighed.
Grif: Christ.
Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the chupacabra, sir.
Sarge: Hey Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?
Ruby: Oh I love that.
Sarge: Me too. Got a ring to it.
The orange soldier let out one final sigh while Ruby began to laugh. . . .
YOU ARE READING
Red Vs Blue, & there's Magenta: Season One
FanficRed Vs Blue, but with a twist! A drop pod crash lands into Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, and within it is an unconscious girl with very few memories. . . . The OC Ruby belongs to me. (This is NOT Ruby Rose from RWBY) Red Vs Blue is owned by "Rooster...
