Arcanus ❂ A Dream SMP Story

[14]

☆A/N: the beginning of this chapter has some self-hate and somewhat suicidal thoughts in it. i dont want to harm anyone, so i advise you to please skip the first few paragraphs if it'll hurt you. 

Tenebris quietly left the room, not disturbing Niki who slept peacefully in the corner. Everyone had fallen asleep, tired from absolutely terrible festival. They were tired as well but they couldn't bear to be in Pogtopia at the moment. The blood soaked into their clothes had dried, making the fabric stiff and give off a rusty smell. Quietly shutting the door, they entered the forest looking for that pond. They just needed some peace and quiet right now, a place to get away from their thoughts. Stumbling through the trees, they leaned on trees every now and then for support. 

They were still furious. At everything. The fact that they had agreed to such a pointless deal with a man they had met the day before, giving up everything they had for a stupid festival. Their identity exposed in mere minutes. They cursed themselves, their eagerness, their beliefs. The only thing they had left was their beloved sword and even that was stained in dark blood. They were angry at Technoblade, not forgiving the man for his heinous acts. Rage pulsed through their veins but they kept themselves under control to the best of their ability, taking deep breaths. They walked into a clearing, a sparkling pond in the middle. It looked the same as the night before, the water reflecting the moonlight and the water lilies swaying in the water. The stars were bright tonight, shining in the midnight sky. Tonight was a full moon, the moonlight illuminating the ground. Tenebris looked into the water, only to see their reflection staring straight back at them. They wished they could see something different, something that didn't make people cringe away in disgust and fear. A face that could be at peace, not one that would be cut and slashed in never-ending battles. Picking up a rock, they hurled it into the water, making a large splash. The water rippled and distorted their reflection. There, that's what they wanted. They wanted nothing to do with themselves, they only disappointed theirself over and over again. 

Resentment began to cloud their thoughts, over-whelming them. They pulled at their hair, in hopes of gaining their level-headiness back. But it was in vain, the chorus of self-resentment and loath flooding their mind.

"You're not good enough."

"Disgraceful."

"No one wants you around."

"You're a freak."

"Taken down in just a few minutes? Weak."

"Everyone hates you."

"Why are you even trying to help them? It's not like you're any use anyways."

"Disgusting."

"No one likes you."

"Why even bother living?"

Tenebris stumbled back, holding their head. It wasn't the first time this had happened but they hadn't these kind of thoughts since they had left Tubbo at that house. They shut their eyes and shook their head as if they were trying to shake the thoughts out of their mind. Stepping backwards, their heel hit a rock and they fell backwards, slamming the back of their head into a tree. The stars in the sky started to spin and spots of black began to blur their vision. Thick red blood ran down their neck and oozed onto the dirt below them. It was too much, they had already lost a lot of blood today and they didn't have their potion bag with them. Cursing theirself once again, they tried forcing themselves to sit up but the spinning in their head was over-powering and they fell back into the dirt, dust clouding up. They let out a breath and stared into the sky. Maybe one day they'll be at peace, the blood on their hands washing away. Not soon though.