Two Ghosts [h.s]

1

TW
Prologue

Lonely. That's one word to call it.

The four walls that make up my room should be my safe haven but instead, I'm drowning and can't catch my breath. I'm drowning all alone and no one is near to pull me out. I have accepted my fate long ago but I can't seem to slip through the water and finally let go.

I want to fight but I'm just so tired. I've tried to scream for help, but no one can hear. It seems I'm all alone in this big world. 

I feel as if I'm choking on my thoughts and childhood as I slip through the water. My body is fighting so hard and on instinct refuses to let me give up. When my head feels like it's about to explode and give up the most, my body simply won't let me.

My body can't give up when I beg it to. I am in control of nothing. I have never been. I just want to stop fighting, I have been fighting for too long.

You see, when time is ticking and you're waiting for someone to come and save but you're all alone on this planet, why is hope still present?

Why is it in that moment you need someone the most when all you ever wanted was to be alone? Why do you wish for something so bad, knowing the world will never give back to you.

It all feels like drowning. When you're drowning and can't fight anymore, you start to slip. You slip through the water and go numb. Your body gives up and the quiet and peace surround you.

I'm that moment, there's nothing left to be scared of. That moment makes up for the suffering. In that moment there's no pain. The feeling is indescribable. Nothing matters anymore, the suffering is over.

It all feels like drowning.

The quiet is the antidote for the pain.

To float away... I want to leave everything behind.

It all feels like drowning because when you're about to slip away, somehow a wave knocks you back to the shore and you're alive.

It all feels like drowning because all the suffering and pain was for nothing.

Why does the world keep saving the ones who don't want to be saved?

Everyday feels the same. Hours are minutes and minutes feel like seconds. My mind is my own personal hell of thoughts and nightmares that I can't run away from.

I'm starting to believe things will never get better. In fact, I know they can't. What have I ever done to the world? I was just a helpless child trying to shut the screams out. A little girl listening through a thin wall.

I'm a senior in high school now. I should have friends, getting into trouble and laughing so hard that I puke. I'm supposed to be making memories that will be told at the dinner table to my children. Memories to find commonalities with people and make others laugh and feel comforted.

Pathetic, isn't it?

A girl whose only friends are the characters in her books. The only people who could ever understand her don't exist. All she wants is to reach through the pages and put herself in the story. She would be understood there. She would be loved.

I'm sure you have a lot of questions circling through your brain right now. Trust me, I know. My mind never shuts off. It's all so complicated.  Jumbled with words and feeling. All I ever wanted was to experience quiet. I envy the quiet. True quiet, where there is no judgement, no tears, no doors, no blood, no walls, no screams, no pain... nothing.

I wish I could protect the little girl I once was and tell her everything will be okay. But I'm not a liar.

I wish this world was rid of is liars.

Darkness seemed to be my only friend. We knew each other. We knew how it was like to be left behind and forgotten. But no matter how long you are in the darkness for, the light always shines through. The night was the only place I ever felt hidden. Felt safe.

Until that night. That night changed everything forever. What once hid me, turned its back.

Sit tight, let me tell you a story of a frightened little girl, who's experienced so much with no one to hold. All she ever wanted was for someone to give her a hug and pull her out of the darkness. She knew nothing about the light except the stars that shined in the sky.

She was lied to and wanted nothing but to fade away.

Until the day she met him, that is.

She felt golden when she was with him. On top of the world and didn't care about anything he had done. About anything he still does. He would never hurt her.

They were just two ghosts who finally learned how to breathe with one another.

It was a feeling that you could disappear but only the other ghost would know where you were. It means to pull over the sheet and be shielded away from the world. To be dead but to come alive. To be two ghosts, was the safest feeling of all. To love and be loved.

She never loved anyone and him as well. They were broken but they picked up each other's s pieces.

However, the past always finds a way back. Creeping in the shadows of a basement, the realm of a nightmare or even hiding in the ammunition of a gun.