Two Ghosts [h.s]

2

TW- panic attack

I woke up once again paralyzed in fear. My body is frozen, unable to move. My eyes flicker back and forth through my room looking for her. I shut my eyes, trying to remember how to breathe but nothing works. My chest becomes heavy with each failed breath of air.

My lungs scream for help but I am stuck in my head and I can't find my way to the surface.

I try to breathe but nothing happens.

All my instincts are lost and I can only focus on the woman who my brain believes is standing at my door.

My brain forces my eyes open to stay on alert. My chest heaves as I analyze my bedroom going through the checklist still embedded in my brain.

The door is still locked and my closet remains closed. I reassure myself but my body remains frozen. My eyes keep searching the room for any presence but all I can see is the shadow of darkness.

My mind is thinking of a million reasons for what that shadow can be hiding. Who that shadow can be.

The darkness has taken so much from me and no matter how much I want to return to that bittersweet feeling I once had, I'm pleading for the light.

My chest is ripping out fast breaths of panic, calling out for anything.

As I lay paralyzed on my bed gripping the sheets so tightly, my nails dig into my palms leaving a mark. They begin to bleed and that blood itself brings me to more panic. I hurt myself to feel calmness, but blood scares me more than anything.

It's strange. 

Waiting an eternity for the silent light of the morning, the sun appears, peeking through my bedroom windows. My eyes shift towards the light crawling up my hardwood floors, slowly taking away the segments of darkness and the small lights my nightlight creates.

I shut my eyes and a wait for the screams that never go away. It's all in my head. 

My body's so cramped up in a panic that it hurts to do anything.

I can't move, too scared.

However, with my eyes shut I still can't escape the darkness when the screams fill my head. The sound of my name on her tongue rings in my head and my body finally jerks in movement.

I can move. 

The power of my movements shifts my body in a jump and I launch upright, sitting against the wall.

I stare into the emptiness of my room, looking at the door making sure the knob never once turns. The low light lets in just enough for my mind to reassure it was only a dream but my mind doesn't stop and my hands shake aggressively.

No one is here. The relief in my body feels so unknown but I know it won't be long.

It was just the dream playing on repeat for yet another sleepless night. My body shakes and my eyes blink at a rapid pace trying to pull myself together.

This never gets easier. Only harder. I fight the sob wanting to rip through me as tears pour down my face, wetting my sheets.

I shiver once more but as soon as my body stiffens, the sounds of screaming pierce an echo through my head. What was once quiet is now painfully loud.

Loud plummeting screams of terror and betrayal scream like always. 

My breathing becomes faster with every scream to the point I'm unable to get any air in my lungs. I try to remember how but I physically do not know.

My hands claw my throat, holding it tightly as I fight for air.

I want to run away but my body refuses any movement. I'm trapped in my own head and there's nowhere to hide.