Two Ghosts [h.s]

5

TW- attempted Suicide and Drowning

November 13,  2018 - Three months living in the apartment

Drowning. My head is bobbing in and out of the water trying to get as much air as possible in my lungs. Panicking and gasping.

I open my eyes as soon as my head grows out of the water. My eyes shift quickly back and forth from the room I'm in. trying to breathe as much air as possible in my lungs but stopped as I inhale water.

I don't want to die. Please.

As my eyes flicker from left to right they pause on a blur of a body standing in front of me. Staring helplessly into my soul.

Why isn't he doing anything?

"Help me." I choke and my body dips under the water once more. I struggle under the water but I finally reach the surface. Coughing but qiuckly falling back through the water.

My lungs scream, aching for any moment of peace.

"Please." I call for the boy but all he does is stand still. eyes never leaving mine but does not come to help. I don't want to die. Not like this.

My head starts to pound. It feels as if it is about to explode.

As my head goes down once more my body gives up. My lungs fill with water and I choke, drowning towards the bottom.

I slip into the darkness. Slipping into existence

This is it.

Why am I still fighting, I should just give up now.

Some part of me hopes the boy will reach down and save me.

My lungs scream and my brain doesn't not turn off. It's telling me to just swim up and breathe. 

Don't you think I would if I could?

A cry rips through my chest and I scream under the water. I let everything out of me in that moment until everything just stops.

Silence. The world is so diffrent above this pool. Just people living their lives but under here is just me. The metaphor explains too much.

Closing my eyes I open my mouth and take a breath giving up. Water slips down my throat invading my lungs as I breathe in the water around me. It doesnt hurt.

The world around me starts to slip away. I'm surrounded by the quiet.

As my body finally starts to disappear, whispers muffle into the water. I try and focus on what they're saying but I just give up. it doesnt matter now.

My body finally hits the pool floor. As I lay there, I feel at peace. It is the most quiet I have ever felt.

Looking up once more, the boy stands above the water looking down at me.

My body shoots up in my bed. drenched in sweat I try to suck up all the air I can. My chest is tight and refuses to release any pressure I'm feeling. it still feels like im drowning.

Ever since that night when I was fourteen I have had the same dream over and over. Ever night for four years I would open the same door and stand paralyzed at what I knew awaited me on the other side.

Tonight was different. This was the first time another dream played.

I was drowning. I didn't want to die. But when I finally let the water in, it felt so good. I wasn't scared anymore. The world was finally quiet.

But who was that boy? Why did I feel like I knew him? Like I met him before, years ago.

He just stood there. He didn't save me.

No one ever saves me. I'm a visual on presentation. Everyone always just watches.

"It hurts so much."

I just want it to stop. I want it all to stop.

"I just want quiet." I whisper holding my head tightly, talking to myself because I was just so tired.

I want it all to just shut off. I don't want to live anymore. I just want to disappear. Slip through the water and exist no more.

I roll off the bed but as I do so a picture frame hidden under my bed falls onto the floor.

I flinch backat the glass grazes my skin. 

As I look down at it, all the air in the world suddenly disappears. I forgot I even kept that picture.

Why had I kept it?

Why did I keep it... I did this to myself. 

A part of me wishes the family shown in that picture was real and not just a dream. I wish the smiles were real and would have lasted. I wish that innocent little girl would have been protected. She was defencless and didnt know any better.

The frame on the floor displays a picture of my mother and father with four year old Violet on their lap.

Rage pours through my body and I scream. I don't care who hears me anymore.

I fall on to my knees and cry angry tears. "You did this to me." I scream at the picture.

I want to die. Right here, I want my life to end. I want to feel the quiet I felt at the bottom of that pool.

It was like the universe was giving me a hint. Telling me to just go. 

That's when my back straightens and the tears stop flowing. 

Everything around me goes quiet. Even my body feels completely still and lifeless. 

I go numb. 

"I just want to disappear. It would be so much easier that way." I whisper barely audible

Looking back down at the picture I squeeze my knuckles around it so tight my hand goes white. They both looked so happy. It was all just a lie.

I hate who they made me become. I hate myself so much. I wish I could have just left this part behind but I can not. It's because of them. Everything is because of them.

Lifting the frame above my head, I smash it against the ground. Glass lays shattered everywhere.

"I just want the pain to go away." I say angirly, tears falling down my cheeks and across my lips.

Why is it so easy to come to this point after years of fighting? I feel like I'm giving up. 

I just can't take it anymore. 

All I could ever do was cry. 

I'm done crying. 

Walking over to the shattered pieces I bend down to pick the sharpest one.

Without a moment of hesitation its all over. 

The thoughts stop and everything goes quiet.

The world stops spining.

I sat myself on the ground ready to wait. Directly in front of me was a mirror. Staring back at my reflection, the girl I was looking at was unknown. I have no idea who she is anymore. I'm simply lost between the cracks of existence and reality.

I squint my eyes at myself. Is this what I want? 

I laid there for what felt like hours until my breathing slowed and my head went black.

I laid there with my teddy bear. The one thing that stayed with me. The one thing that has helped me get through my life. 

Abby found me as soon as I fell unconscious. She heard my screams and rushed over. For the first time I didn't lock my door. Why was that?

I always lock my door.