Two Ghosts [h.s]

6

Waking up today I felt different. I knew today was going to be hard but I woke up not feeling anything. I wish I woke up angry so I could do something impulsive. Just a moment to forget everything. An adrenaline rush to keep me going but I was just numb.

I was so goddam tired. 

Today was just another day I have to get through.

It is currently eleven a.m and I'm staring at my wall. Abby did not knock on my door to get me up for school this morning. She's giving me space. The only day of the year she let me skip school.

Today should not have to be marked with trauma. It should just be another day I get to live. I'm a survivor as Abby says but I wish I felt that way. I'm far from that.

In fact, I hate that word the most. 

Looking down at my wrists I brush over the faint scars left behind. I would spend all the money in the world for these scars to be gone. This scar is just another reminder of everything I escaped from. Another reminder of how much I hate myself.

The worst part is that its in the shape of dent in my childhood wall. the exact marking in the door.

When I tell you I cant run away from my past I really mean it.

My phone lights up in front of me on the bed which gets my attention. who would be texting me?

Sitting up from my grey sheets, I place my bear beside me so I dont crush it. Reaching over, grabbing my phone I look down at a message from Abby. One of her self reflective universal messages.

She still send me affirmations and horoscopes. She's very one with the earth as I like to call it. 

But it's too much for me sometimes... I feel like an alien. 

Abby

Text message:

I know you told me to leave you alone but I'm sitting here alone at our lunch table and can't focus on anything but you. Today is just a day, Violet. I know you blame yourself for ruining things but nothing in your life was your fault.

I know that last year you wanted everything to be quiet and shut off everything going on in your brain. Your thoughts grew too much for you to handle. I know you don't tell me a lot of things because you're afraid I'll run but I swear to you I would never. I would give anything to take away your pain for you to live a normal life.

Instead of blaming the universe for keeping you alive, question why it is keeping you here. It's not to punish you. The universe is giving you another chance.

I love you more than imaginable and I wish you could see that.

I know you blame yourself for what I saw but please don't. The first thought that ran through my mind is that you better be okay. If you died, I don't know what I would have done without you. You leaving, would not be doing anyone a favour,  it would be tragic. You think you are replaceable but in fact, are one of a kind. Now go outside and get some air. Being cooped up in that apartment is going to make your brain explode.

I turn my phone off and stare at the wall in front of me, not knowing how to feel. I don't deserve Abby. She's done so much for me. I want to believe everything she just typed but I just can't.

But I can't help but feel guilty. Not just because she had to save me but because she has to worry about me so much she sends me a long reflective message. I love her and know she's trying to make me feel better but it only makes me feel worse.

The universe is keeping me here as punishment... don't you understand. I've done awful things and it's the fact I hate myself that the world can hurt me in return.