Disperse - Kageyama x Reader (Fluff + Angst)

Chapter 11: Give Up

"No no no no no no no, I can fix this, I just need-"

Time? Bullshit. You were ready. You were fucking ready.

"I know. Just let me think, and I'll be okay."

No, I won't let you, because when you think, you hurt me. You hurt yourself.

"I need to though. I need to try. Remember? Remember what he told me?"

BUT WHY? Why do you want to do this to yourself over and over again?

"Because if I don't try, I won't fix this. I just need one more chance. One more."

Don't tell me that things will get better, that things could actually change, because they're all. fucking. lies.

"Shut up. You don't have a fucking say on what I do."

You're selfish. You don't think about what will happen to me. You-

"And who gives a shit about it?"

And what about Tobio? God, you fucking annoy him when you're around. He hates you. He fucking hates you.

"Even if he hates me, just as much as I hate myself, even so, I'm going to... I'M GOING TO TELL HIM EVERYTHING. That I'm sorry. That I miss him. That I- I..."

"I love him."

What if you fail?

"What?"

What if you fail? What if you do everything perfectly, and yet after everything, he hates you, you fail, and then what?

"I don't know."

So then why would you put yourself in that situation? Why would you try knowing that you could hurt yourself even more?

"I don't know."

And that's the fucking thing. You don't know. No one does. Why worsen the circumstances when you can stop?

"You can't make me, okay? So shut up already and-"

JUST STOP IT. Stop trying to hurt yourself because all you do is fuck every single thing up. Why do you think Dad left you, why do you think Kageyama left us? Because you are a failure. You are a fucking failure who ruins every fucking thing.

"SHUT UP. I don't need you to lecture me about every thing I do wrong."

Your hand meets the front doorknob to run into his arms, to tell him everything past your pent pretense. But no, you grip your arm, trembling, locked onto half-turned handle concealing an infinite chance of failure.

What's wrong, (Y/N)? I told you that you couldn't.

"Just open it," you grit your teeth as you tighten your grip.

So just stop and accept the inequity of it all.

"BUT I CAN'T GIVE UP ON HIM. Not after everything we did! I-" tears trail down the sides of your face. "Not yet, I-I ... "

You did a good job covering it.

You freeze, the hold gradually loosening until your hand slips to your side. A void smile etches on the corner of your lips.

"You're right."

And yet you never listen to me.

"I know. I'm scared, fucking scared and tired of this shit. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to remember what I do wrong each and every single time. I don't- I don't want to keep messing up, and maybe you, my own thoughts, won't understand or help me."

So don't.

"How? How can I not be when every single time, I mess up? I can't help it, I can't..." the words trail from your mouth, saturated by the tears.

Your words meet silence, nothing more to say, because now it's just you, numbed by anxiety.

"I should've just stopped trying long ago."

Good.

"..."

It's better this way, isn't it? To displace the emptiness in your chest, the coldness in your feet, the ache quavering throughout your body, with happier illusions. To disappear, conceding to the defeat of your mistakes. To make it all go away.

"..."

And all you had to do was stop trying.