Disperse - Kageyama x Reader (Fluff + Angst)

Chapter 14: Letter

D̶e̶a̶r̶ ̶T̶o̶b̶i̶o̶,̶

I̶s̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶c̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶l̶a̶s̶t̶ ̶t̶i̶m̶e̶?̶ ̶N̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶i̶n̶d̶-̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶r̶t̶ ̶o̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶g̶a̶i̶n̶.̶ ̶

Dear Kageyama,

This is my ninth draft. Guess what? I died before I could fix my mistakes not only because I couldn't, but because I am scared. I'm pathetic, I already know that, but even so, I can't risk it. I can't risk losing what I have left. So maybe this way, I can preserve what I have left. Does that even make sense?

I always struggled to be your competent friend. You always are here for me but I could never reciprocate. I wish I could be better to you, and for that, I am sorry. The more I think, the more you always appear in my head. Why do you do this to me? You are everywhere and I hear you, well these voices that sound like you, and sometimes I can see them and they look like you. They tell me things that scare me. I want them to go away but they won't. I don't want to be alone anymore. It's so fucking frustrating. Everyday I cry over everything when I could be fixing it, but I know that if I try, I will mess up. I don't know what to ruin it again. I want to try, but I can't, I fail, I WILL make things worse.

You know what's really scary? It's that I can't trust myself anymore. I want to die, I don't want to die. One moment I am numb, the other I point a knife against my skin. But everyday is the same: I DON'T KNOW. I want to know, I want to help myself and others, but it's like it's already set in stone for me - I can't and I will never know how. God damn Im fucked up. If I counted correctly, I think it's around 86625.

It's cold without you next to me but what makes me happy is thinking about the memories. Remember when we thought we could whip milk to turn it into whipped cream for your birthday cake?!? Oh my god, you were so stupidly adorable and you still are (somehow). Just stop it, okay? You make me smile too much, and I hate it. If I were to put it into an analogy: you make me want to relive in an endless loop with flawless coding, but I can't. I know I can't. It's impossible, everyone knows that, but I wish, I wish, I wish, and everything I touch is crumbling. But what if there IS a way, and we will never know unless we try. That's always what I did: try merely to fail. But it could work. So that's what I did. I tried because that was what you taught me to do. By the way, you can keep the scarf or throw it away. Same goes with the drawings. It doesn't matter anymore.

It's been four paragraphs already, and I haven't conveyed my feelings yet. That's 86626 now, but I can narrow my biggest mistakes into 4 of them. The first that I was born. Second, that I always, somehow, made things worst. And third, that I stopped. I stopped trying. But knowing that I could fall in love with you, Tobio Kageyama, is the best mistake of the 86626 of them. So if that doesn't go through your head, then let me tell you this:

I LOVE YOU, TOBIO KAGEYAMA.

And I refuse to apologize or take back what I said. Maybe I'll see you again, maybe I won't. One last thing, prove Kindaichi and the others wrong. >:)

Sincerely,

(Y/N) (L/N), 86626

The End.

"No. You're wrong, you counted wrong."