Disperse - Kageyama x Reader (Fluff + Angst)

Chapter 12: Can't

Your hand hesitates for the handle of your bedroom door but Kageyama stands on the other side. He isn't here, he isn't here, but a second presence permeates, scrutinizing every action you take. It's just you, and you alone, narrating perceptions rid of voices, and yet the air is stagnant with suppressed fear of repeated defeats.

I can't go if he's there. Even if it's just school, I'm going to hurt other people. I can't fix things anymore. I can't do it. I'm going to mess up again, and that is not okay. People will judge you, people will hate you because you will fail again and again. I'm lost. I don't know anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know, I don't know.

Tears stream down your face as you bite your lip. You begin to lose yourself, uneven breathes frantic for someone to understand. The disillusioned reality extinguishes an aspiration for someone, anyone, to understand, to care.

"No one will care about a fucking failure. Stop being so fucking stupid. He won't, he hates me, I am nothing to him."

Idiot, stop trying to distort the truth that you can be worth something because you aren't and you will never be.

Light-headed, you pant for air, but it isn't enough. A luminous glint of silver catches the peripheral of your eye. Abruptly, the steel blade of scissors compulsively breaches your skin, your hands trembling upon the scissors.

Cut. 

You press the tip further down against your arm.

Just once. Once.

Innate intuition warns against as your grip upon the handle tightens with uncertainty.

Further. Push further. We could feel better.

The blade draws crimson, and even so, it doesn't hurt. Stinging echoes embody warmth, tear drops staining steel.

More, this isn't enough. I need more.

The atmosphere of the room is suffocating as you hyperventilate, searching for approval, searching for a release.

Don't you feel better now?

No, you don't. Detached from skin, the blade scatters across the floor, droplets of blood tainting the carpet.

"Look anywhere else but there. There, another mistake, stained with my blood. Disgusting, I'm fucking disgusting."

More tears, more crying, more mistakes to ignore.

"I don't want to anymore. I can't do this. I, I can't..."

Needles prick your body as you finally submerge into the quiet murmurs of your mind. Closing your eyes, you gradually calm into an empty grey, yet it's still there: those unsettling eyes that pervasively follow.

"I can't."