Disperse - Kageyama x Reader (Fluff + Angst)

Chapter 5: Affliction

You wait for Kageyama in detention for him to finish practice. You refuse to think to prevent the tears, evading the snares that could trigger another public breakdown.

Disgraceful.

"Let's go."

Kageyama looks down at your hunched figure in the corner of the room. You remain silent, gradually rising to trail behind him.

"W-we can work at my house, i-if you want," you mutter quietly.

"Okay."

It is his social brevity that distresses you. His opinion, a double-edged blade forged with the molten sides of cruelty and reality, lies concealed behind his pretense, a blunt concision. Even armed with this knowledge, you despise his intentions, because in truth, it is never supposed to be like this.

"Look, I don't understand why you hang out with him! The dude's a dictator, (Y/N), a literal tyrant!"

"No, he's not! You're wrong, Kindachi."

"I know you're friends and all, but you should still stay away from him. He could hurt you."

You sigh. He can't understand.

"Everybody has their faults, and it just happens that Tobio isn't good with communicating with others. Just because he can sometimes be socially inexperienced, doesn't mean he's a 'dictator' or a 'tyrant' like you call him. It takes time to correct our mistakes, so you shouldn't be expecting so much from Tobio, especially when he provides his skills to the team!"

"Yes, even I will admit that his skills are great. He's good at blocking, spiking, setting, whatever, but he is the one who's expecting too much of us!"

"Oh yeah? Just wait and see. Tobio will improve, and he will become the best setter."

"Tch. The slave defending His Majesty. Should've known better," Kindaichi shakes his head, walking away.

A carton of milk drops onto the cement floor, and you turn around to greet a startled Kageyama.

"You heard the whole thing?"

"... yeah ... you didn't have to do that for me."

"But I wanted to."

"Boke, you didn't have to tell him that I'll become the best setter," he scoffs

"I did because I know you will."

He looks at you curiously before he raises his hand to boop the tip of your nose and letting his arm fall back down. Awkwardly, Kageyama struggles to hug you around the shoulders whilst standing two feet apart.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to hug you, (Y/N), boke. Isn't that what couples do when their happy? I saw it on a car commercial this morning."

You pull away from his grip, laughing.

"No, do it like this, silly."

Narrowing the gap between the two of you, you wrap your arms around his shoulders, pulling him into your embrace. He mirrors your actions and shifts his hands to lightly stroke your back. You lean your head against his chest, smiling softly as you melt into the warmth of his hug.

But now it is emptier, colder without his chest against your body, without his arms securing the fragility of your emotions.

I need him back. I need to apologize. I need to speak. I need Tobio.

"What is this?" Kageyama lifts the crumpled paper ball and tilts his head curiously.

"It's a scrap paper; it's not important. Here, just give it to me," you reach for the paper, but he lifts it over your head, tantalizing from above your reach.

"No, what is it?" he narrows his eyes, subsequently unfolding the sheet.

"No, please, just give it back. It's mine, Tobio!"

"Don't-"

His words falter when his eyes meet the unfinished, smeared drawing. Neither of you choose to speak, a silence pervading the room. An antagonizing affliction burns throughout your body, its flames permeating a toxic haze as a sickening nausea rises. You shut your eyes tightly, but it is futile to expel the shame while he scrutinizes the sketch, a failure.

"Y-you... drew this?" he finally looks up at you.

"..."

Silence.

"Well?"

"I-i..." the words speechlessly hang in your mouth, and you sit there, shakily breathing, as he stares at you blankly.

Your hands tremble, tears irrepressibly falling, not because you failed countlessly, but because he saw it. Dropping the paper, his hands make their way to you, and he pulls you in to a hug.

You unveil the pent ambivalence corned in the depths of your mind, sobbing muffled apologies into his chest.

"I'm-"

"You don't have to be sorry."

"No, I do, because I can't keep my promises, because I hurt you, b-because I keep messing up!"

"It's okay, (Y/N). It was me who blamed my anger on you."

"No, you're wrong Tobio. Breaking promises isn't okay. It's not okay."

"..."

"Even if you think it's not, please, please, please no that you will be okay."

Your nails dig into his back, and he hugs you tighter.

"I-"

"You. Are. Okay," his voice is calm and firm, and he is sure of it; it is safe, a resonant sense of nostalgic security enveloping you whole.

You close your eyes, forgetting the time, the truth, and the paper with the roughly marked letterings in the corner and all the other drafts.

Dear T̶o̶b̶i̶o̶ Kageyama,

I'm sorry. I have too many things to apologize for, but avoiding my problems won't do anything. I learned from that from you, from the past. I always struggle to be your competent friend. You always are here for me but I could never reciprocate. I wish I could be better to you, and for that, I am sorry.

The more I think, the more you always appear in my head. Why do you do this to me? You are everywhere and I hear you, well these voices that sound like you, that look like you, and they tell me things that scare me. I want them to go away but they won't. They are everywhere...

The ink is smudged, and the rest of the words is torn off from the sketch above it. Though he won't show it, Kageyama notices. But it will be okay...

right?