The Enemy Beside Me + The Liar Beside Me (Book 1 and 2)

Chapter 26

AFTER EXPLAINING what will happen if Eien tries to save Haru and their remaining baby, Ally shakes his head. 'So one of the twins... just like that?' We're far from the earshot of Haru's family, but I still wince as he raises his voice. 'How can you be so sure?'

'I can sense life and pain. That is how I heal,' Eien mumbles. He always sounds certain every time he speaks. But tonight, his voice is so tiny that I want to tell Ally to back off if only the situation were different.

'Why can't you save them both?' I hold Eien by his shoulder. I make sure he knows I'm here. Although I understand Ally's current disposition, I also understand that Eien's gift isn't fully developed yet, given his young age.

'I'm sorry,' Eien says. 'I wish I could, but I can't. My endurance isn't apt for saving two lives at the same time. I'm sorry.'

The racket of a fist connecting to the vending machine resonates in the hallway. It shakes me inside. Ally is never the violent type unless he's provoked. It takes so much effort to do that. The first and last time I saw him this sad, angry, and lost was when he punched my dad, his sister's husband. His best friend. He did it to protect me. He did it to wake up my dad from his rampage.

Now he can't use brute force to protect his own family. 'I can't, I can't...' He hides his face in the crook of his elbow, his shoulders propelling up and down. 'I said I chose Haru. But now that I've lost one of them, I don't know if I can bear to lose another one. And I know...I know that Haru will hate me if I choose her, but I can't...I don't know. I love her so much.'

Eien buries his face in my chest. He mumbles words that I don't understand. But I don't have to because I can feel how sorry he is for us and how frustrated he is with himself.

So we stand there. Two boys. One man. All torn between two choices. Two essential and cruel choices. I hate myself. I wish I had not brought Eien here. He'll forever remember this night. He'll forever blame himself. I can't speak for him, but deep, deep in my mind, I know that I'm right.

* * * * *

Haru's family and I wait outside the operating room. They're anticipating the twins' delivery, except for her mother. She had knelt before the doctor, begging him to save Haru. Her husband had hauled her back on her feet and screamed at her for not choosing his grandchildren.

I run my tongue over my teeth, the old sensation of pills saturating my mouth. With them, I felt at ease. My mind wasn't clustered with shouts for help and images of bodies on fire.

The crying tonight makes me ill. I want to block them all. I want to go home and close my eyes and sleep for days.

Stop, my mum's voice says. Yesterday's me doesn't define today's me. That's her motto for me. Fourteen-year-old me snorted and called it dense and cheesy. 'Honestly, what are you thinking? Do you think a bunch of motivational quotes can erase these voices in my head? Do you think your stupid motto will save me from myself? You don't know anything about me, do you?'

Shut up, shut up. Why do I always reminisce about how cruel I was whenever I see somebody grieving? This time, it's not my fault, and yet the snakes in my head hiss, 'Everything is your fault...'

I take long steps, away from Haru's family, away from the door, away from the hospital. If only Eien were here, he could soothe this pain away, even for just a day. If only Eien were here, I could have had genuine peacefulness inside again.

And then I stop. I'm almost out of the building. A realisation—no, a question—hits me. Have I been using Eien as an alternative to those pills?

No, no. I'm thinking too much. I'm stressed. I'm agitated. I feel horrible for Ally and Haru. That is all. I shouldn't entertain these thoughts.

* * * * * *