The Enemy Beside Me + The Liar Beside Me (Book 1 and 2)

B2 Chapter 1

WHY DOES HE ALWAYS LOOK SAD? I don't understand. His presence is such a comfort, but he doesn't look at someone for a long time. His head is always bowed. For respect, he says. Tradition, he says. But I guess he simply doesn't want anyone to question why he looks like that. Because no matter how hard he tries, he can't smile fully.

I don't understand why...

Or maybe, I just don't dare to understand. There's this fear that has been slithering around my neck, grasping me tightly. What if I'm the reason?

* * * * *

Mum called me last night after I sent her a message. My message had hints of accusation and bursting anger. I didn't want to speak with her, but I also didn't want to push her away again. Reluctantly, I listened to her explanation that, to be honest, is beginning to sound like an excuse to me.

She said she wanted me to emotionally heal because she knew the trauma from my childhood still affects me. I wouldn't recover in the same Zone where I'd almost lost myself. Funny how she didn't explicitly say any of these. They were all implied.

In a way, she was right. It didn't matter how many times we had moved from town to town. As long as I was in the same Zone, my psyche would've never improved.

As for enrolling me to the Yamato International School, she swore she'd only chosen it because English is the dominant language used here. She wanted me to experience new life slowly. I hated how she sounded reasonable. Deep inside, I know she was lying. I also know I won't get the answer if I confront her. Mum has always been tight-lipped. She appears sweet and clueless most of the time—that's how she gains friends because they think she needs help despite her age—but we both know she's stronger than her facade.

Another thing I despise is how I'm aware that one big reason for her resiliency is me. I should be proud, you say. But she became like this when I began destroying myself.

'Here, you should eat. Eien will kill me if I let you go hungry.' Declan pushes a plate of baked salmon drizzled with creamy garlic sauce. I almost forgot he's in the dorm's kitchen with me. My mind can't focus, it goes everywhere. It keeps replaying the moment I'd almost killed Fumihiro. I want him gone, was what I'd told myself. That wasn't me. No, it was me. I'm scared. I'm scared of how I can easily be trapped by my emotion and repeat the most despicable sin I'd ever had committed.

When I had got back to my room, I collapsed to my knees and prayed and asked Jesus and His Father to forgive me. Deep inside, I'm still a Christian who's afraid to fall to Hell. Two years ago, I didn't care. I told myself if God loved me, he'd understand and spare me. Besides, Jesus died for our sins, didn't he? But fear can do wonder. It reminds you of how you're just a human being with a tarnished soul.

'Thank you,' I mumble. I have to force my muscles to move as I slice the salmon with a knife. Declan is still a Zone 2 citizen by heart despite living and studying here in Zone 1. He's not used to cooking Zone 1 delicacies, and he hates wasting ingredients. So rather than letting himself make a mistake in the kitchen, he whips up what he knows best. Besides, we can both see he's not in the mood. I had to badger Declan several times before he finally confessed that Eien had pleaded with him to visit me and see if I was doing OK.

Declan sits across from me, looking down at his portion. I'm not used to this Declan. He's not necessarily loud like me, but he's also not as quiet as he is now. It's been one night, one day, and yet it feels like it had been forever, the seconds stretching by; the minutes unforgiving and won't let me close my eyes.

'What did you do when you got home?' I wince. How weird it is to hear someone referring to this place as my "home". My perspective about it has changed overnight. I tell him I tried to sleep but failed. Which is true. I don't want to share the praying part. That's between me and God and His Son.